{"id":49725,"date":"2019-01-13T10:02:21","date_gmt":"2019-01-13T18:02:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/redeeminggod.com\/?page_id=49725"},"modified":"2019-01-13T10:02:21","modified_gmt":"2019-01-13T18:02:21","slug":"ephesians_5_25-30","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/redeeminggod.com\/sermons\/ephesians\/ephesians_5_25-30\/","title":{"rendered":"The Spirit-Filled Marriage: Husbands Love (Ephesians 5:25-30)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"EphesiansWives Submit (Ephesians 5:22-24, 33b)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Husbands Love (Ephesians 5:23-30, 33a)<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Sacrificial Love (Ephesians 5:25)<\/strong><\/li>\n
  2. Sanctifying Love (Ephesians 5:26-27)<\/strong><\/li>\n
  3. Self Love (Ephesians 5:28-30, 33a)<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    [Note: This was originally 3 sermons … One for each of the 3 types of love mentioned above.]<\/p>\n

    We continue today to look at the role and responsibilities of the husband in the marriage relationship. And just to clear the air a bit, I want to share with you my qualifications for speaking on such a topic. I don\u2019t have the marriage experience some of you do. I don\u2019t have a degree in psychology of counseling.<\/p>\n

    But I do have the necessary qualifications. Do you want to know what it is? This past week, my wife told me that I am the perfect husband.<\/p>\n

    I\u2019m joking. I mean, I\u2019m not joking about what she said. She did pay me that compliment. Of course, she qualified it by saying that I\u2019d been a perfect husband for two days. I don\u2019t know how long I can keep that up\u2026 But it\u2019s easy when you\u2019re married to the perfect wife.<\/p>\n

    No, what I\u2019m joking about is my qualifications. Although my wife did compliment me in that way, nobody is the perfect husband, just like there is no perfect wife, perfect children, perfect parents, perfect church or perfect job.<\/p>\n

    So this morning, I am not qualified to share with you how to be a better husband. But thankfully, we have something with us this morning that is qualified to instruct us, and that is the Word of God. If God says, we can trust it.<\/p>\n

    So we\u2019re going to continue to look at God\u2019s instructions to husbands today from Ephesians 5.<\/p>\n

    Ephesians chapter 5:22-33 is the longest and most detailed passage in the Bible on the roles and responsibilities of the husband and the wife in the marriage relationship. And in these twelve verses, 2 \u00bd are devoted to talking about the wives, which leaves 9 \u00bd for the husbands.<\/p>\n

    This means, men, that simply by looking at the verse ratio, our responsibilities are much more vital for the health and success of our marriages.<\/p>\n

    In fact, I didn\u2019t say it last week, but a good case can be made from Scripture and from experience, that about 85% of the problems in marriage are a direct result of a husband\u2019s failure to fulfill his responsibility. Let me say that again in a different way. Men, if your wife is not the kind of wife the Bible tells her she should be, most of the time, it is your fault.[1]<\/a><\/p>\n

    And, as I hinted last week, it is also our fault that the culture is the way it is. The degeneracy and sinfulness and ignorance that is so prominent in our modern culture is due, in large part, to men failing in the home to be spiritual leaders.<\/p>\n

    In saying all of this, I\u2019m not trying to discourage you, or overwhelm you, because really, the task we are supposed to perform is not that hard. It\u2019s actually quite simple. It just takes a little self-discipline to do it. Just because it is simple to do does not mean it can be neglected, however.<\/p>\n

    This whole section of Ephesians 5:22-33 deals with the separate roles and responsibilities of the husband and the wife in a Spirit-filled marriage.<\/p>\n

    According to Ephesians 5:22, it is the wife\u2019s role to submit to her husband, as we discussed previously.<\/p>\n

    And now we come to the husband\u2019s responsibility as the head. This vital responsibility, as found at the beginning of Ephesians 5:25, and mentioned a total of six times in the next several verses, is simply to love your wives.<\/p>\n

    Command: Love Your Wives (Ephesians 5:25a)<\/em><\/h2>\n

    Ephesians 5:25. Husbands, love your wives \u2026 <\/strong><\/p>\n

    This is the command for married men. Men, you are to love your wives. Now if I were to ask for a show of hands, I\u2019m sure most of you men would say, \u201cYeah, I love her.\u201d<\/p>\n

    And if I were to ask you how you show your love, maybe you say, \u201cWell, I tell her.\u201d Or \u201cI spend time with her.\u201d Or \u201cI take care of her.\u201d<\/p>\n

    And these are all good. These are all fine. But the kind of love Paul commands us to show to our wives goes way beyond this.<\/p>\n

    Unconditional Love<\/h3>\n

    The love Paul mentions here is agape<\/em> love. Agape<\/em> love is unconditional love. This means, men, that if your wife chooses not to submit to you, even though she is supposed to, you still need to love her.<\/p>\n

    There is no condition she must meet for you to show her this kind of love. Most of us said some sort of vows at our marriage ceremony. The traditional ones say, \u201cI take thee to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish, till death do us part.\u201d<\/p>\n

    In other words, no matter what happens, you promised to love your wife. Those vows were a statement of unconditional love. But all too often, we allow conditions to creep in.<\/p>\n

    \u201cWell, I\u2019ll love her if she loses that 30 pounds she put on since marriage. I\u2019ll love her if she just wouldn\u2019t nag me as much. I\u2019ll love my wife if she always is a good cook and always looks pretty, and lets me hunt and fish as much as I want.\u201d<\/p>\n

    I heard of a couple that didn\u2019t know if they should get married or not, but finally decided to because they reasoned, if it didn\u2019t work out, they could always get a divorce. When I heard that, I had to wonder what they would say in their vows.<\/p>\n

    If they were honest, the vows would have to go something like this: \u201cI promise to have and to hold you until I want to have and hold somebody else; for better, but if you get worse, we\u2019re done; for richer, but if you spend all my money, I\u2019ll sue you; in sickness, as long as you don\u2019t complain too much and it\u2019s only a cold or you have a light fever; to love and to cherish until I don\u2019t feel like it anymore; until divorce do us part.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Sadly, although most people don\u2019t blatantly think this way, this is the way love is approached. It\u2019ll be good while it lasts, but once the feeling is gone, it\u2019s over.<\/p>\n

    But the love God commands the husband to have for his wife here is not a love that comes or goes with feelings. It has no conditions. Not even the condition of feeling like it. Rather, this love is an act of the will. Agape <\/em>love, because it is unconditional, is a decision, a choice to love, even when we don\u2019t feel like it.[2]<\/a><\/p>\n

    Now don\u2019t get me wrong, emotional love in a marriage is good. Emotional love keeps a marriage exciting. But emotional love is not always present, so it cannot be counted on to keep our marriage going. For a lasting marriage, we need agape<\/em> love. The decision to love our wives no matter what.<\/p>\n

    Godly Love<\/h3>\n

    The greatest example of this is the kind of love God has for us. Agape <\/em>love is Godly love. Agape <\/em>love is one of God\u2019s primary characteristics. We read in 1 John 4:8 that God is love. And God unconditionally loves us. He did not wait for us to become a good person, or to draw near to him, or to seek Him. But he initiated the process and loved us while we were yet sinners. God chose, as an act of the will to love what is unlovable. Agape<\/em> love is Godly love.<\/p>\n

    Risky Love<\/h3>\n

    But because Godly love is unconditional, it is also risky. If you place no conditions whatsoever on the object of you love, if you love those who are inherently unlovable, then there is a danger, a risk, that they might not choose to love you back.<\/p>\n

    This is what has happened with God. God loves the whole world. Every single person. But not everybody chooses to love Him back. God put Himself on the line for each and every person, but most people reject Him, spit in His face, and turn their back on Him.<\/p>\n

    The most famous verse in the Bible, John 3:16, says \u201cFor God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.\u201d<\/p>\n

    And then, only three verses later we read, but \u201cmen loved darkness rather than light.\u201d In other words, they did not return God\u2019s love. Agape love, unconditional love, Godly love, is a very risky love, because there are no guarantees that you will be loved back.<\/p>\n

    C. S. Lewis, talking about Agape <\/em>love, puts it this way. \u201cTo love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.\u201d[3]<\/a> He goes on to say that the only place you can be safe from the pain of true love is hell.<\/p>\n

    Now with this kind of an understanding about agape<\/em> love, it becomes clear why so many of us husbands miss the mark. Our world revolves around conditions. Everything is conditional.<\/p>\n

    And more than this, everything we do is based the potential risk-reward ratio. Most of life is low risk, low reward. That is where we spend most of our time and energy.<\/p>\n

    High risk, low reward endeavors are those kinds of things that will cause bankruptcy and destroy lives. Gambling is high risk, low reward.<\/p>\n

    Low risk, high reward are once-in a-lifetime opportunities. Things that are almost guaranteed to give a good return. An example is the offer of salvation. Blaise Pascal, a Christian French philosopher developed what is called \u201cPascal\u2019s Wager.\u201d Essentially, he said that believing in Jesus for eternal life has no risk, but the possibility of infinite reward.<\/p>\n

    But the final combination is where love is. High risk, high reward. It is very risky to put your heart on the line. To initiate a relationship not knowing if the other person will chew you up and spit you out or not. But this is love. It is risky, but if it works out, there is no greater reward.<\/p>\n

    This is the kind of love God has for us. This is the kind of love husbands are to have for their wives. And it is a very difficult kind of love to have on our own.<\/p>\n

    But remember, we are in a section talking about the effects of being filled with the Spirit. And in Galatians 5, we read that the very first and overarching fruit of the Spirit is love\u2014agape<\/em> love. So men, this kind of love which we are to have for our wives is a result of being filled with the Spirit. All the more reason to seek to be filled daily.<\/p>\n

    But let\u2019s move on. Paul goes on to give us a description of this love. Look again at Ephesians 5:25.<\/p>\n

    Christ\u2019s Love for the Church (Ephesians 5:25b)<\/em><\/h2>\n

    Ephesians 5:25b. \u2026 just as Christ also loved the church<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Husbands, how are to love our wives? Just as Christ also loved the church<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

    Those words just as<\/strong> come from the Greek word kathos<\/em>, and they mean exactly as, in the same way as. When it comes to how we should love our wives, our model, or example is Jesus Christ and His love for the church.<\/p>\n

    I heard of a man once who really loved his wife, but he also wanted to please God, and he was scared that he loved his wife too much. He didn\u2019t want to make an idol out of her. So he went and talked to his pastor, and this wise pastor took the man to this passage and had the man read it.<\/p>\n

    Then the pastor asked the man, \u201cDo you think that Christ loves the church too much?\u201d \u201cNo,\u201d said the man.<\/p>\n

    \u201cDo you think that you love your wife as much as Christ loves the church?\u201d \u201cNo,\u201d said the man again.<\/p>\n

    \u201cThen,\u201d said the pastor, \u201cyou need to love your wife more, not less. You have not loved your wife as much as you should until you love her as much as Christ loves us.\u201d<\/p>\n

    And that\u2019s the way it is men. Your role in marriage is to love your wife just as much as Christ loves the church. So our problem men, is not in loving our wives too much, but I would say that every single one of us\u2014including myself\u2014loves our wives too little.<\/p>\n

    How can I say that? Well, the next several verses show us the extent of Christ\u2019s love for the church by explaining the three characteristics of his love. And we will see that this love is a radical, all-encompassing love.<\/p>\n

    These three characteristics will reveal that when it comes to loving our wives, we have a long way to go. So what are the three? Well, it is so vitally important that we understand them, that we are going to deal with them one at a time, beginning with Ephesians 5:25.<\/p>\n

    The first characteristic of Christ\u2019s love for the church that we men are to imitate with our wives is that it is sacrificial love.<\/p>\n

    Sacrificial Love<\/h3>\n

    Ephesians 5:25 says that Christ gave Himself for her.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    You know, when Christ came, there were a bunch of things Christ could have given to us. I have sometimes looked at the financial pressures many of us face in our homes, or the financial pressures this church faces, and thought, \u201cGod owns everything in the universe. Why couldn\u2019t He, when we first become a Christian, just deposit a million dollars into our bank accounts?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Or, when you have car problems, or you lose your job, or you can\u2019t go on the family vacation you\u2019ve always wanted to, couldn\u2019t Jesus just plunk a car down into your driveway, or just give you a new job, or beam you and your family to the Caribbean?<\/p>\n

    Of course, God could do all of this. So why doesn\u2019t He? Because He\u2019d rather give us something better. What could be better than all of that? Well, look at the verse.<\/p>\n

    He gave Himself.<\/strong> Christ knew that it was better and more valuable to give Himself to us, than to give us all these other things. And you know men, I would say the same is true with your wives. More than a nice house, a nice car, a large salary and expensive vacations, your family wants you.<\/p>\n

    They want your support. They want your love. They want your encouragement. They want your presence. They want you to talk to them, and spend time with them. They want you to give yourself to them.<\/p>\n

    Men, I know that sometimes, we\u2019re not real emotional people, but I want to read to you a letter from a lonely woman. And as I read it, I want you men to ask yourself, could this letter have been written by my wife?<\/p>\n

    \u201cThe kids are in bed. There\u2019s nothing on TV tonight. I ask my husband if he minds if I turn the tube off. He grunts.<\/p>\n

    \u201cAs I walk to the set my mind is racing. Maybe, just maybe, tonight we\u2019ll talk. I mean, we\u2019ll have a conversation that consists of more than my usual question with his mumbled one-word answer or, more accurately, no answer at all.<\/p>\n

    \u201cSilence\u2014I live in a world with continuous noise but, between him and myself, silence. Please\u2014oh God, let him open up. I initiate (once again; for the thousandth time). My heart pounds\u2014oh how can I word it this time? What can I say that will open the door to just talk? I don\u2019t have to have a deep meaningful conversation. Just something!<\/p>\n

    \u201cAs I open my mouth\u2014he gets up and goes to the bedroom. The door closes behind him. The light showing under the door gives way to darkness. So does my hope.<\/p>\n

    \u201cI sit alone on the couch. My heart begins to ache. I\u2019m tired of being alone. Hey, I\u2019m married. I have been for years. Why do I sit alone?\u201d[4]<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    Very likely, this husband had a good job, they lived in a good house, had a good car, and had food in the fridge. And while this was good, for women need security, what they really want is a husband.<\/p>\n

    Someone to be there for them. To talk with them. To spend time with them. To be affectionate. To provide leadership.<\/p>\n

    That is how far Christ was willing to go for His church. He gave Himself for her. We know that although Christ was God, He came to earth in a lowly position, He lived a life as a servant to all, and at the end of his life, He suffered and died on the cross for us. And now He intercedes for us in heaven at the right hand of God the Father.<\/p>\n

    That is how Christ sacrificially gave Himself for the church. But let\u2019s look in more detail on some of the things He did for us and how we, as husbands, can imitate Christ to our wives with sacrificial love.<\/p>\n

    First, although Christ was God, he came to earth as a servant.<\/p>\n

    Servant Love<\/h4>\n

    Philippians 2 paints the picture in a poetic fashion. And we\u2019ve looked at that before, but let\u2019s turn over there to see it again.<\/p>\n

    \"husbandsStarting in verse 6. \u201cWho, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Christ went from the greatest height to the lowest depth for us. He went from being the King of the Universe to a humble slave. He gave up all of his power and prestige so that he might serve.<\/p>\n

    It\u2019s a pale illustration by comparison, but it\u2019s like Robertson McQuilken. He was the president of Columbia Bible College when he and his wife learned that she had Alzheimer\u2019s disease.<\/p>\n

    So in March 1990, he resigned with these words:<\/p>\n

    \u201cMy dear wife, Muriel, has been in failing mental health for about eight years. So far I have been able to carry both her ever-growing needs and my leadership responsibilities at CBC. But recently it has become apparent that Muriel is contented most of the time she is with me and almost none of the time I am away from her. It is not just \u201cdiscontent.\u201d She is filled with fear\u2014even terror\u2014that she has lost me and always goes in search of me when I leave home. Then she may be full of anger when she cannot get to me. So it is clear to me that she needs me now, full-time.<\/p>\n

    \u201c\u2026This decision was made, in a way, 42 years ago when I promised to care for Muriel \u2018in sickness and in health\u2026till death do us part.\u2019 So\u2026as a man of my word, integrity has something to do with it. But so does fairness. She has cared for me fully and sacrificially all these years; if I cared for her for the next 40 years I would not be out of debt. Duty, however, cannot be grim and stoic. But there is more; I love Muriel. She is a delight to me\u2014her childlike dependence[5]<\/a> and confidence in me, her warm love, occasional flashes of that wit I used to relish so, her happy spirit and tough resilience in the face of her continual distressing frustration. I do not have<\/em> to care for her, I get<\/em> to. It is a high honor to care for so wonderful a person.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

    That is sacrificial, servant-hearted, Christ-like love. McQuilkin gave up his position and his power so that he could serve his wife.<\/p>\n

    That is what God is calling us to do. As Christ gave himself up for us, so we are to give ourselves up to our wives. Does something in your life need to go so that you can better serve her?<\/p>\n

    Your leisure time? Your recreation time? Your time out with the guys? Your 8 hours of sleep? Maybe you need to quit your job and find one that is not so demanding or stressful. Maybe you need to get up earlier or stay up later, to help you wife with some housework, or to take care of the kids so she can relax, or so that later, the two of you can spend some time in God\u2019s Word together.<\/p>\n

    For each one of us, servant-hearted, sacrificial love is going to look different, but it must be done if we love our wives as Christ loves the church as an act of service. But Christ\u2019s love for the church is more than just an act of service.<\/p>\n

    We also know from Scripture that He suffered and died for us.<\/p>\n

    Suffering Love<\/h4>\n

    Christ experienced extreme agony and suffering on the cross in our place. I think that we all too often forget that it was us or Him. But Christ loved us so much that He willingly suffered and died so that we do not have to.<\/p>\n

    And men, this should also be the way we should behave toward our wives. We need to protect our wives and stand up for her at all costs. Defend her. Be willing to lay down our lives for her if necessary.<\/p>\n

    That is what Christ did for us. And actually, men, whether or not you realize it, this is what you agreed to do when you got married. Most of us men, when we got married, did not realize that once we said \u201cI do\u201d there was no more I. There was no more \u201cme.\u201d There was only \u201cwe\u201d and \u201cus.\u201d At marriage, the two become one.<\/p>\n

    A lot of men joke that when they got married, their real life ended. But Biblically, this is no joke. This is the way it should be. True marital love claims everything. \u201cMarriage is a call to die, and a man who does not die for his wife does not come close to the love to which he is called.\u201d[6]<\/a><\/p>\n

    Men, have you died to yourself? Have you given up all you have and all you are for your wife? Unless you do, you will never have the kind of love Christ has for the church. He served. He suffered and died.<\/p>\n

    But Christ\u2019s love goes even beyond this. He not only came to serve us and die for us, but now, as our risen Lord, He is seated and intercedes for us at God\u2019s right hand.<\/p>\n

    In Hebrews we learn that he always intercedes for us (Heb. 7:25). When we sin, we can be confident that Jesus is right there telling God, \u201cYes, I died for that sin too. My blood covers it.\u201d<\/p>\n

    When we have a need, or a request, we can take it to God in the name of Jesus. This means that we can take it to God as if Jesus sent us with the request. And of course, God gives to His Son what His Son asks. Even when we are not praying to God, Jesus is before God on our behalf.<\/p>\n

    Men, this is also the way we are supposed to sacrificially love our wives. When you pray, how much of your prayer time is spent praying specifically and earnestly for your wife?<\/p>\n

    All too often, if we even pray, we never remember to pray for our wives. And if we do, our prayer requests barely get past the apathetic \u201cGod, bless my wife in all she does today.\u201d Men, that\u2019s not intercession!<\/p>\n

    Intercession is specific and energetic prayer. It is knowing your wife\u2019s needs and desires and requests and praying about these repeatedly to God. It is having a list, and passionately taking this list to God out of love for her.<\/p>\n

    Christ\u2019s love is a servant love. He suffered and died for us. He intercedes for us. That is how we also should love our wives.<\/p>\n

    Men, how many of you love your wives in the same way? Are you willing to give up everything you have, everything you are, everything you have worked so hard for, if it will benefit your wife? Would you be willing to give up your job, your career, your leisure time, your recreation time, your friends, your car, your hobbies\u2014everything\u2014for your wife?<\/p>\n

    Men are told by this world to do whatever it takes to get on top; to climb the corporate ladder; to get more money, more power, more possessions; to be number one. But God calls us here to forget all that, and love our wives.<\/p>\n

    Now obviously, loving your wife means providing for her by having a source of income and giving her a nice place to live, and a car that runs well. Most of the time, it is not an act of love to say \u201cWell, I\u2019m going to quit my job so I can spend time with my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n

    No, when you love your wife as Christ loves the church, it means that you look our for her needs and her interests before your own. You care for her before you care for yourself. You make her your number one priority.<\/p>\n

    Tradition says that Cyrus the Great, king of Persia, captured a young prince. The young man\u2019s life was in jeopardy, but Cyrus was a fair man. So he asked the prince, \u201cWhat will you give me if I release you?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cHalf of my wealth,\u201d the prince replied.<\/p>\n

    \u201cAnd what if I release your children?\u201d Cyrus questioned.<\/p>\n

    \u201cEverything I possess,\u201d the prince said.<\/p>\n

    Once more Cyrus asked, \u201cAnd what will you give me if I release your wife?\u201d<\/p>\n

    Without hesitation, the young man replied, \u201cSir, I will give you myself.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Cyrus was so taken back by the man\u2019s devotion to his wife and family that he released the prince without harm or payment. On the way home the prince remarked to his wife, \u201cDid you notice how ruggedly handsome King Cyrus was?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cNo, I didn\u2019t. I only had eyes for you, the one who was willing to sacrifice everything for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

    No husband can say he truly loves his wife until he is willing to sacrifice himself for her. As someone has said, \u201cYou can give without loving, but you cannot truly love without giving.\u201d<\/p>\n

    Men, are you willing to make such a sacrifice? It is what Christ did for us, and what we are called to do for our wives.<\/p>\n

    Sometimes it begins with simply giving them some words (but it doesn\u2019t end here!). Cliff Barrows gave the following as the Twelve Words to help make your marriage work:<\/p>\n