I. Marriage Created by God (Ephesians 5:31)<\/strong>
\n\u00a0 A. Leave<\/strong>
\n\u00a0 B. Join<\/strong>
\n\u00a0 C. One Flesh<\/strong>
\nII. Picture of the Church: A Mystery (Ephesians 5:32)<\/strong>
\nIII. How to Have a Godly Marriage: Two Rules (Ephesians 5:33)<\/strong><\/p>\n
Four words said it all. They appeared on a sign in bold print inside the window of a Hollywood jewelry store. They read, \u201cWe Rent Wedding Rings.\u201d[1]<\/a><\/p>\n
We will see all of these things in Ephesians 5:31-33.<\/p>\n
To see the marriage created by God\u2014we could say, the marriage made in heaven\u2014look at Ephesians 5:31. In this verse, there are three elements which every marriage must have in order to start off on the right foot.<\/p>\n
Some people call these three things God\u2019s Blueprints for Marriage. They call them this, because Ephesians 5:31 is a quotation from Genesis 2:24.<\/p>\n
You all remember what happened in Genesis 2, right? God created man, and told him to name the animals and find a helper for himself. And no suitable helper was found, so God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep.<\/p>\n
And God took a rib from Adam\u2019s side and created a woman. And when the anesthesia wore off\u2014there she was\u2014the first Miss Universe! Perfect in mind and soul and body. Beautiful. Wonderful.<\/p>\n
And Adam names her woman, and then Moses instructs us in Genesis 2:24 about God\u2019s instructions for marriage. He gives God\u2019s advice on how to live happily ever after. God tells them to do three things. And it is these three things which Paul also mentions here in Ephesians 5 for us who are married so that we too can have a marriage made in heaven. Let\u2019s look at them one at a time.<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:31a. \u201cFor this reason a man shall leave his father and mother<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
The first thing we need to do is leave our parents. Now this is not just \u201cleave.\u201d The regular word for leave in Greek is leipo. <\/em>But this is kataleipo<\/em> and could be translated \u201cto leave completely.\u201d It is nearly equivalent to leipo<\/em>, but much stronger.<\/p>\n
Now before I talk about what this means, let me state what it does not mean. To leave<\/strong> does not mean to completely or literally abandon. It doesn\u2019t mean that once you get married, you are to never have any sort of contact whatsoever with your parents, ever again.<\/p>\n
Nor does leave<\/strong> mean to separate yourself geographically. Some seem to think that you haven\u2019t left unless you move to another city or state. I kind of see what they are saying, because, as is most often the case, it is not a good idea to live in the same house with your parents, or even in the same block after you\u2019re married. Living this way is possible, but generally leads to some pretty serious marital conflict.<\/p>\n
But at the same time, just because your parents are on other side of the country doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you have left. Sometimes, your parents may be dead, and you still haven\u2019t left them.<\/p>\n
A person may have physically moved away from their parents, but never really left. If you are still tied to your parents emotionally, you haven\u2019t left. This shows itself, for example, in frequent phone calls for emotional support rather than talking to your spouse.<\/p>\n
Or maybe you are still tied to your parents economically. They take care of your finances, or they help bail you out when you make poor financial decisions. Of course, some financial help from parents every now and then is wonderful, but the husband and wife must be able to manage their own money.<\/p>\n
Sometimes the wife has a tendency to trust her father more than her husband, or the man tends to think his mother could do things so much better than his wife. All of these are an indication of a failure to leave.<\/p>\n
To leave<\/strong> your parents means that they are no longer your first priority. Your spouse and your family are now priority. Men, if you have to make a choice between pleasing your wife and pleasing your mother\u2014always choose your wife.<\/p>\n
Women, if you continue to go to your parents for the emotional support you feel you don\u2019t get from your husband, it may be due to the fact that you are not giving him the chance to be supportive. You may be undermining his authority and the support he does offer by going to your parents first.<\/p>\n
We could give numerous examples of this, and all of us, I\u2019m sure, have experienced this to one degree or another in our marriages. But if you want to have a marriage made in heaven, the first thing to do is make sure you have emotionally, economically, spiritually, and maybe even physically left your parents.<\/p>\n
A husband and wife need to leave their parents and establish their own home.<\/p>\n
But frequently, a failure to leave is not always only the couple\u2019s fault. Often, the parents have some fault in this. Parents, if you have a son or daughter who is grown and married, it is your responsibility to let them go.<\/p>\n
James Dobson once asked a question on his Focus on the Family radio show. He asked, \u201cWhat is the greatest problem of children relating to their parents and in-laws, and how will you relate to your children differently when they are grown?\u201d<\/p>\n
He got 2600 answers to this question. He thought that the biggest problem would be the difficulties between grown children and in-laws, but that wasn\u2019t the case. Only 10% of the responses said that. 11% said that it was sickness and dependency on the part of the parents. 19% expressed concern with the spiritual welfare of their parents. 21% expressed a concern of a seeming lack of interest in themselves or their children by their parents, but 44% said it was a failure of their parents to let go.<\/p>\n
One man, 54 years of age, wrote back and said, \u201cWhen I go home, my mother will not let me peel the carrots because I did it wrong when I was a boy. Every time I go to the kitchen to try to help, she reminds me that I never knew how to peel anything right, and talks to me about my faults from 50 years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
One 23 year old woman, a graduate of a university, a career woman, wrote, \u201cI still live at home, and even though I\u2019m a committed Christian, I have a 10 pm curfew and my parents try to spank me if I am late.\u201d[2]<\/a><\/p>\n
This will help your child leave when it becomes time.<\/p>\n
So, when a man or woman gets married they enter into a new unity that breaks former relationships. They should no longer to be bound and held by the former relationships. Their new relationship is more important and intimate than the others.[3]<\/a><\/p>\n
Prior to marriage, a man or a woman\u2019s chief loyalty is to their parents. But after they get married, their chief loyalty should be to each other. They should leave<\/strong> their father and mother and enter into a new relationship.[4]<\/a><\/p>\n
That\u2019s what it means to leave.<\/strong> Secondly, they are to be joined together.<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:31b. \u2026 and be joined to his wife<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
The word joined<\/strong> here can also be translated \u201ccleave.\u201d Literally, it means \u201cto stick, to paste, to be glued to.\u201d<\/p>\n
When a husband and wife get married, they are joined together. This happens at the marriage ceremony. Before God, and before men, they say their vows to one another and become glued to one another.<\/p>\n
And this glue is not just a relational glue, or the legal glue put on us by the marriage certificate, but is primarily a spiritual bond between two people. It is God\u2019s glue, which has a better grip than the strongest super glue.<\/p>\n
To cleave to one another is to be totally committed to one another, as you promised in your vows. It is a commitment to being reliable, genuine, honest, and faithful.<\/p>\n
To cleave to one another is a promise for a lifetime. Till death do us part. Not \u201ctill disagreement do us part.\u201d Not \u201ctill debt to us part.\u201d Not even \u201ctill divorce do us part.\u201d<\/p>\n
When God puts two people together in marriage, it is a permanent bond\u2014only broken by death.<\/p>\n
I think that of the three elements for a marriage made in heaven, this one is the most important. A marriage can survive if one or both of the partners fail to adequately leave their parents. The third element, as we will see in a bit, has been enshrined in our culture as having the primary importance in a marriage. But ultimately, it all comes down to the commitment the man and the woman have made to one another to stick to each other no matter what.<\/p>\n
During England\u2019s darkest days in the late 1930\u2019s and early 40\u2019s, at the height of World War II, it was a pudgy, cigar-smoking, unimpressive-looking man who held the country together.<\/p>\n
Time after time German bombers devastated city blocks. Buildings crumbled. Bridges fell. Lives were lost. Many English voices were shouting, \u201cSurrender! Quit! Give up! We can\u2019t take it anymore!\u201d But Sir Winston Churchill stood fast. He refused to budge.<\/p>\n
He said that there was a simple rule of thumb when you want to win a war. His philosophy of war is only six words long: \u201cWars are not won by evacuations.\u201d[5]<\/a> Similarly, marriages are not made by separations.<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:31c. \u2026 and the<\/em> two shall become one flesh<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
This phrase refers primarily to the act of consummating the marriage. The physical intimacy of marriage. If joining refers to the spiritual, emotional and legal joining, becoming one flesh refers to the physical joining.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t think I need to go into detail on how our culture has idolized this aspect of the relationship between a man and a woman. It is abundantly clear to us whenever we walk through a check-out isle at the grocery store, whenever we go to a movie, or turn on our television sets.<\/p>\n
And in one sense, as Paul clearly explains in 1 Corinthians 7, and as King Solomon, the wisest of all men talks about in the Song of Solomon, this third and final aspect is vitally important if you want to have the marriage made in heaven.<\/p>\n
But I think that God put it third in the list for a reason. Yes, it is important, but only if it rests on the first two pillars of marriage. Most people in our culture today put this first. Oftentimes, they haven\u2019t left their parents, and they definitely haven\u2019t been joined through marriage, but they still want to become one flesh.<\/p>\n
But without the first two steps, this third aspect is empty and void of meaning. It is damaging to yourself and all future relationships. You know what this is? When couples skip the first two steps and move straight into the third? It\u2019s nothing more than legalized prostitution.<\/p>\n
In most of this country, it is illegal for a man to pay a woman to sleep with him. But if the man takes a woman out, and rather than giving her money, but instead buys her a nice dinner and a few drinks, and then they go home together, then it\u2019s legal.<\/p>\n
Does that make any sense? I don\u2019t think so. It\u2019s all the same. A man puts out money in order to sleep with a woman. That is legalized prostitution. A man and a woman becoming one flesh.<\/p>\n
But God has three elements here, and they are in a specific order for a purpose. All three must be present and placed in the right order to have a marriage made in heaven.<\/p>\n
The reasons God wants it this way are numerous, but Paul gives us one reason in Ephesians 5:32. When God created marriage, He has a specific purpose in mind.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:32. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. <\/strong><\/p>\n
Paul first says, This is a great mystery.<\/strong> And since he has been talking about the relationship between a man and a woman, we at first think that Paul is talking about the mystery of marriage.<\/p>\n
And there are a couple of mysteries in marriage. First of all, there is a mystery about the mathematics involved. Did you notice in verse 31 that 1 +1 = 1? God takes one man and one woman, and joins them together so that they are no longer two, but one. It\u2019s a mystery how that happens.<\/p>\n
But the whole marriage relationship is a mystery as well. In Proverbs 30:18-19, we read, \u201cThere are three things which are too wonderful for me, Yes, four which I do not understand. The way of an eagle in the air, the way of a serpent on a rock, the way of a ship in the midst of the sea, and the way of a man with a [maiden].\u201d<\/p>\n
This wise man said \u201cYes, marriage is a mystery to me too!\u201d Maybe this passage is what Paul had in mind here when he wrote this. But even if he did, the mystery of marriage is not primarily the mystery that Paul is talking about here in Ephesians 5:32. Look at the rest of the verse. Paul says, This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.<\/strong><\/p>\n
So just when we were thinking about the mysterious aspects of marriage, Paul throws a curve ball at us, and says, \u201cBut I\u2019m not only talking about marriage. I\u2019m talking about Christ and the church.\u201d<\/p>\n
Whatever Paul has been saying about marriage, he now says also applies to Christ and the church! But before we can understand the connection, we need to understand what a mystery is.<\/p>\n
Thankfully, Paul has already talked about another mystery in the book of Ephesians. Turn back to Ephesians 3:3, 6. This other mystery is that of the unity of Jews and Gentiles within the church.<\/p>\n
But Paul, in Ephesians 3:5 defines for us what a Biblical mystery <\/strong>is.<\/p>\n
So a mystery<\/strong> is a wonderful truth which was hinted at in the teachings of the Old Testament, but not really made clear until Christ came and the Holy Spirit revealed the truth to the apostles and prophets when they wrote the Bible. So that is what a mystery <\/strong>is.<\/p>\n
There are thirteen mysteries of this sort in Scripture.[6]<\/a> There is the mystery of the kingdom (Mark 4:11), the mystery of the gospel (Eph 6:19), the mystery of the faith (1 Tim 3:9), the mystery of Christ (Eph 3:4; Col. 4:3), the mystery of God (Rev 10:7), the mystery of His will (Eph 1:9), and the mystery of Godliness (1 Tim 3:16), the mystery of lawlessness (2 Thess 2:7), and the mystery of the seven stars (Rev 1:20).<\/p>\n
The mystery Paul is talking about back in Ephesians 5:32 is the mystery of marriage.<\/p>\n
So why did he do it? Why did he eat the fruit?<\/p>\n
Or he could have done exactly what He did do. Fully knowing that what he was doing was wrong, and fully knowing what the consequences would be, he chose to share in her destiny! Some scholars say that out of love for her, he decided not to let her go into God\u2019s judgement alone.[7]<\/a><\/p>\n
Paul ends this section of instructions for marriage by summarizing the whole thing.<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:33. \u2026 and let the wife see<\/em> that she respects her<\/em> husband.<\/strong><\/p>\n
Rather than talk about respect here\u2014 which is important to give to your husband\u2014I\u2019m going to change the translation and then we\u2019ll talk about that. Respect is an okay translation of the word, but I do not think it is the best.<\/p>\n
One of the reasons I believe it is not the best is because forms of this same Greek word are used over 100 times in the New Testament, and it is never translated as \u201crespect\u201d except in this one case. So why did the translators choose the word respect<\/strong> here? Because of what the word is.<\/p>\n
The word for respect<\/strong> here is phobos.<\/em> Does that sound familiar? We have phobias, right? A phobia is when you are afraid of something. So the word which we have translated here as respect is actually the word for fear!<\/p>\n
So really, to be accurate, the translators should have written, \u201cAnd let the wife see that she fears her husband\u201d!<\/p>\n
Whoa! Women, do you fear your husbands? This is why the translators didn\u2019t translate as it normally is translated. They were trying to soften what Paul was saying. But Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, chose to use this word, and so we must not soften it. Rather we must take it for what it says, and try to understand what Paul was saying in context.<\/p>\n
So let\u2019s do that. He says that the wife should fear her husband.<\/p>\n
Now in all honesty, I, as a husband, hope that my wife does not fear me. I don\u2019t want her to fear me. I don\u2019t want her to be scared of me. So what is Paul saying?<\/p>\n
Well, as always, remember the context. What did we learn last week about fear? Look back up at Ephesians 5:21. Paul began this whole subject of mutual submitting by telling each one of us to submit to one another<\/strong> and then what? In the fear of God.<\/strong><\/p>\n
And what did we learn? This fear is not a \u201cshaking in our boots\u201d type of fear. It is not a \u201cdivine judgement\u201d fear. It is a loving fear. It is fear of disappointing God. It is fear of grieving God. Why do we fear disappointing God? Because we know that He loves us.<\/p>\n
This type of fear is a response to love. So while the wife is supposed to submit to her husband even if he does not show love to her\u2014submission is unconditional\u2014here we see that there is a condition for fearing her husband. She fears him only if he loves her. She fears disappointing him only when she knows that he has her best interests in mind.<\/p>\n
Clint Eastwood, after his divorce, said that there is only one way to be happily married \u2026 and as soon as he figures out what it is, he\u2019ll get married again.<\/p>\n
I respect him for that. But if he was here today, I\u2019d tell him, \u201cClint, go buy a ring. Here is the one way to be happily married. God created marriage, and here in Ephesians 5:33, He is going to tell us how to be happily married. He is going to tell you have to have a match made in heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:33 lays out two rules for the married couple. One for the husband, one for the wife. It\u2019s that simple.<\/p>\n
Rule number 1: Husbands, love your wife as yourself. We saw this in Ephesians 5:25-30. Love her sacrificially, for the purpose of sanctifying her. When you do this, you are also loving yourself. That\u2019s rule number one.<\/p>\n
Rule number 2: Wives, respect your husband. We talked about this back in Ephesians 5:22-24. It means to fear your husband, but has the idea of submitting to Him because you love him.<\/p>\n
And those are the only two rules in marriage. I think sometimes we get all caught up in the difficulties of marriage, and throw up our hands in frustration. Maybe we go down to the Christian book store to buy the most recent book on how to have a good marriage. And we read it and if we are not overwhelmed with all the things we have to fix, we try a few things, and they might work for a while, or they might not, and so we try another book, or we attend this lecture, or that seminar or if things get really bad, we go to marital counseling. But often, if things don\u2019t improve, we simply throw up our hands in frustration and quit.<\/p>\n
Now I\u2019m not trying to bash all marriage books and seminars out there. I have two or three shelves of marriage books, many of which are very good, and I\u2019ve attended a few conferences as well.<\/p>\n
The point I am trying to make is that we must be very careful who we allow tell us what to do in our marriages. Paul\u2019s teaching on marriage is not like the teaching in most marriage manuals. In fact, in some of the marriage books I have, which purportedly come from Christian authors, I had trouble finding a single Scripture reference in the whole book![8]<\/a><\/p>\n
[1]<\/a> Swindoll, Tale of Tardy\u2026<\/em>361.<\/p>\n
[3]<\/a> Lloyd-Jones, 223.<\/p>\n
[5]<\/a> Swindoll, Strike the Original Match, 31. <\/em><\/p>\n
[6]<\/a> J. Hampton Keathley III, \u201cMystery Truths of Scripture\u201d www.bible.org\/docs\/nt\/topics\/mystery.htm<\/a>.<\/p>\n