Here is something someone wrote to me recently. There are some great thoughts, great questions, and amazing insights. She is the wisest woman I know.
The last three years have been the hardest to comprehend. Why does it have to be so hard to follow Christ? Why do we have to be so badly broken to understand who He is? Why does it have to hurt in order to make sense? Why do we need to get totally lost before we can begin our trek home? Why must we get so mad at the very one who encompasses love?
2005-2008 was my journey of discovering these questions. Notice I said “questions” and not answers. The answers I believe are coming slowly and will continue to come as I try to understand just who God is.
Honestly, I actually have more respect for Him now than I did when I saw Him as only this great loving God who sent His Son to die for me. Now I see Him as much more complex than before. Answers are not just black and white. What seems best isn’t usually really best because His plan for us is beyond what we think as complex. He sees our souls, hearts. We can’t even begin to understand what that means.
But what I do know is what He has done to me through all of this pain, hurt, anger, and frustration. He has opened my eyes to what he wants His church to be, me to be, and who He is.
He really can change our life overnight, for the worse or better. But even the worse in the end is for His glory still.
If you have never gone through a time of being totally mad and angry at God I suggest you need to allow yourself the opportunity. I know that most Christians will say this is bad or unchristian or blasphamous, but I disagree. I think if you allow yourself to be honest enough with yourself to be honest with God, then you will awaken a part of you that God is trying to get through to.
So take off the mask of churchgoer and take a serious look at who church says that god is. If that God doesn’t satisfy you, get honest with yourself and God, get angry, get mad and cry out. Let Him show you who He really is.
Now I caution you, this will HURT immensly. Try to see it as heart surgery without the anesthesia (Yes, that bad). And it will last different lengths for all of us, but the healing process is incredible (And I have only just begun).
You will see His love for you in so many new ways and you’ll never look and HIm the same again. and you just may be able to sing those cheesy Christian worship songs and mean it (OK, maybe not the cheesy ones). But only because He is so much greater than those songs can even begin to describe.
God is complex and His way is not the easy way. But it is rewarding, even if it only feels like that one week every three years.
So anyways here is my heart summing up what God is teaching me, what do you think?
I have been angry at God many times. What? How can that be. You better get on your knees brother. Repent of your sin. Blah blah blah. You know I can’t say I still don’t get angry at Him. Oh I know it’s my own sin nature and all which ALL Christians carry until glory (1 John 1:8). But I have to say that wanting to understand is a natural desire of creatures who think, reflect and emote, and consequently I can’t image a soul on earth who isn’t confused, angry and frustrated at some point. I instinctively don’t trust people who don’t have some question or a countenance that says I have it all figured out and everything is so wonderful. I grew up in addiction and dysfunction and then saw some family members come to Christ and carry on a similar dysfunction- that they are saved I hardly doubt. Its just that they seemed errily above it all and incapable to admitting they had any struggle. It made them less than appealing. I myself came to Christ kicking and screaming, and then a number of years later had what you’d call a “nervous breakdown” and believe me the last people I wanted to be around were church people. They would have denied me my dark night of the soul. So I guess what I am saying is that anger being an emotion God gave us can be leveled at even Him in whom is no sin. I agree with the author though that after my anger subsides and calmer emotions dominate that I see even more how great God is. The one thing that kept me from this experience earlier in my Christian walk was inordinate shame and a “worm theology” that can be prevalent in some Christian circles. God knows when I am angry at Him whether I hide it or not. Somehow He has been Big enough to handle that (1 John 1:9 sure is a beautiful verse!).