How to Fight Nicely

When I was in Junior High, two of my friends, Seth and Andrew, used to get in little fights with each other. They really were best of friends, but Seth loved to bother Andrew, and Andrew loved to inflict pain on Seth. It was a great friendship.

One day, as they were going at each other at Andrew’s house, and I was sitting back watching the whole thing unfold, Andrew’s father walked in the room. Being the authority figure of the household, I thought for sure he was going to break them up. But he didn’t.

He simply walked on through the room, and on his way out, he called back over his shoulder, “Fight nicely, boys!”

I thought it was so funny. What about fighting can be nice?

But the truth is that in fighting, as in love, there are rules.

This is especially true when it comes to marriage. My wife and I never argue (cough, cough), but when we (don’t) fight, there are a few rules we try to follow which often helps us fight nicely. Recently, someone asked me for a copy of them, and I thought maybe I would make them available online for anyone else who could use them…for your friends.

Note: I don’t think I made this list up. I might have. I just can’t remember where I got it. If anybody has seen this list anywhere else, please let me know so I can include the proper citation.

The Rules for Fighting Nicely in Marriage

Negative

• No physical violence
• No name calling; no labels
• Never say “never” or “always”
• No leaving
• No garbage collecting; no bringing up the past
• No pre-judging statements; don’t mind-read
• No assumptions about what your partner is thinking
• No sarcasm
• No complaining to others
• No ganging up
• No fighting in public
• No analyzing
• No glib or intolerant remarks
• Don’t say, “Yes, but…” or “Ok, but…”
• No conditions
• No blaming statements
• No complaining
• No self-pitying statements
• No interrupting

Positive

• The person with the complaint, problem or hard feelings begins the discussion
• Focus on behavior
• Be specific
• Reveal personal feelings
• Try to use “I feel…” statements, rather than “You are…” statements
• Take your time
• Ask for feedback on major points to make sure you are heard and understood
• Identify your contribution to the problem (it takes two to fight)
• Be completely honest
• Take turns listening and talking
• Only one person talks at a time
• Focus on what started the argument
• Focus on one issue at a time; don’t skip around
• Accept responsibility for your own actions and/or words
• Identify alternate solutions
• Decide on a mutually acceptable solution
• Ask for forgiveness by saying: “I was wrong…”, “I’m sorry for…” and “Will you please forgive me?”
• Extend forgiveness only when ready
• Choose to forgive
• Discuss how to face the issue in the future

Remember, this are only guidelines and suggestions. They are not hard and fast rules. The last thing I want is for a marital conflict to turn into an argument about rules for fighting fairly. “You always break rule number 7!” “Did not! And besides, you just said ‘always.’ You broke rule #3!”

Do you have any helpful tips for fighting nicely in your marriage? Let us know below!