The Sermon on the Mount according to Congressional Jesus

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For they can get a job at minimum wage.
Blessed are those who mourn,
For they made their bad decisions and must suffer the consequences.
Blessed are the meek,
For we can take advantage of them.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For we can promise them free food to get them to vote for us.
Blessed are the merciful,
For we will remove them from their positions for not being “tough on crime.”
Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they are the most gullible.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they know how to make peace through war.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake,
For they will turn over secrets about their terrorist activities.

Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for this proves that you are standing up for the right things in the right way.

You are the salt of the earth. That is why old white guys must rule you. We must preserve our society and culture the way it has always been. If we allow the pepper to rule, they will only trample us underfoot.

You are the light of the world. That is why we need incandescent lightbulbs instead of those energy-saving fluorescents. We don’t want our light to be hidden. We like using a lot more electricity to light a room. This is what glorifies the freedom our Father in heaven gave us.

Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy, but to uphold the sanctity of the Constitution. It is the most perfect document ever written, and our interpretation of it is the only right one. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or tittle (that word always makes me laugh) will by no means pass from the Law until the whole world follows it.

Whoever therefore breaks one of the least of these commandments, and teaches men so, shall be stripped of his freedoms and liberties and given a life sentence in prison. But whoever does and teaches them, he shall be given special privileges and favors in my Kingdom. For I say to you do exactly what I tell you all the time, you won’t ever get a seat at the table.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not murder,” and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother has just cause to do so if that brother is a liberal, a gay, or a Muslim. And whoever says to his brother, “Raca!” will not be understood, because nobody says that anymore. But whoever says, “You fool!” shall be called a sissy-ninny for not using stronger language.

Therefore if you are bringing your gift as a donation to my re-election campaign, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift with my campaign manager, and then go away to your brother, and blackmail him into also donating to my campaign. This way, you will shut him up, and if your gifts are large enough, both of you will receive favors from me later on.

But if he takes you to court, get your own lawyer quickly, and counter-sue the pants off him. Otherwise, he will deliver you over a judge who has probably been bribed, and you could end up in prison. Then all that you worked so hard for will go to your enemy who put you in prison. It is much better to sue him and take his money first. This way, you can give it to me.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that it is perfectly normal for a man to look at pretty young women who are on their staff, and that what your wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. So go to the strip clubs and have fun. Hire the prostitutes on your trips to Europe. Take your girlfriend with you South America. After all, adultery for real is much more fun than adultery in the heart.

If your right eye starts to look at a beautiful woman as she walks by, let your left look also. You get better depth perception that way. It is more profitable to take a good look, and then later to ask her out for drinks, than to let your member burn with passion. And if your right hand causes you to sin, make sure you use lotion.

Furthermore, it has been said, “Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.” But I say to you that it looks bad to divorce your wife, so stay married for appearance sake, while you sleep around as much as you want. If you can get your wife to agree to this, even better, for it’s not adultery if your wife knows what you’re doing.

Again, you have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths to the Lord.” But I say to you, say whatever it is you need to say to get the deal done, and then feel free to do exactly the opposite later on. Let your “Yes” be “Yes” and your “No,” “No” when the person is in front of you, but after they leave, go ahead and renege on everything you said.

You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” But I tell you to not resist an evil person; just kill him. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, pull out your .357 and let the bullets fly. If anyone wants to sue you and take your tunic, sue him first and take his tunic and his shoes. And whoever compels you to go one mile, drag your feet and go as slow as possible so it wastes their time. Give to him who asks you, but at a decent return, and from him who wants to borrow from you, make sure you charge a high percentage rate.

You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you to walk softly and carry a big stick. Strike hard and strike fast before your enemy can strike you. Remove the threat before you yourself are threatened. Bomb your enemies, sue those who curse you, do harm to those who hate you, and picket those who spitefully use you or persecute you. This is how you will be sons of your Father, for He sends AIDS on gays, tsunamis on Indonesian Muslims, hurricanes on New Orleans, and famine on lazy Africans.

For if you love those who love you, you will be able to reward each other’s good health and prosperity. That’s how tax collectors get so rich. Therefore, you shall be perfect, and everybody else in the world can be despised as ignorant scum.

Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them, unless there is a camera crew nearby who can print their pictures in the newspaper and post them online. Otherwise, your good deed is wasted. Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound the trumpet before you, because everyone will just thank you’re strange. Instead, send out a press release to the local newspaper, or allow a staff member to leak your plans to the local press. This will get you the glory before men that you need.

But when you do your charitable deed, do not try to type your Tweets and Facebook updates into your iPhone with your left hand, for this is how many unfortunate typos have brought scorn upon others. A good deed with an embarrassing typo ruins the good deed. This way, your charitable deeds will look unplanned and ordinary, but everybody will see you do them and will think you’re a great guy, and you will receive your reward openly from all.

And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. They love to pray standing in front of churches and religious people that they may be seen. But nobody in church takes pictures. So you, when you pray, go onto the floor of the Senate, or stand before the National Prayer Breakfast, and say your prayers there. People will take pictures and write down your prayers for publication in the newspaper, and everybody will see what a devout person you really are.

When you pray, do not try to pray off the cuff. This will only cause you to repeat yourself and babble like an incoherent idiot. Instead, have a team of professional writers draft your prayers. Make theme eloquent and poetic, so that everybody will praise you for how in touch with God you must be to utter such beautiful prayers.
In this manner, therefore, pray:

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your Kingdom come through me and my political platform,
Your will be done through the bills I want to pass,
Since our plans for this earth match your plans from heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, along with prime rib and fancy French wine,
And forgive us our debts, because you know we’re never paying off $14 Trillion.
But we won’t forgive our debtors, because they owe us money.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil gays, Muslims, and Liberals.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever, and we want some of it for ourselves.
Amen.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, you are letting them take advantage of you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, you will have the power to control and manipulate their lives.

Moreover, when you fast … on second thought, just don’t fast. Why would you do that to yourself? If you are overweight, you might want to go on a diet, but who can diet when there is fried chicken to eat, and 64-oz Cokes to drink? I can’t believe Bloomberg outlawed large sodas in New York and Hillary is trying to make school lunches healthy! What happened to our Constitutional freedom to slowly kill ourselves and our children by eating too much unhealthy food? But you should wash your hands before you eat. If you don’t, that just gross.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. Instead, put your treasures in a bank or a 401(k) where your money is FDIC insured and you can invest it. This will allow you to lay up even more treasure for yourself, and best of all, the government only taxes investment income at 15%, which is less than they tax the poor schmuck who works at McDonalds. Best of all, if you get rich enough, you can make horrible decisions with your money, and the government will bail you out because you are too big to fail. In this way, moths and rust will never destroy what you have and thieves can never steal it. For where your treasure is, there is your future security.

The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore you eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, go get Lasik surgery. It’s come a long way and wearing glasses makes you look old and weak.

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despite the other. You cannot serve both God and mammon. The best route is to act like you are serving God so that everybody who does serve Him will give you money.

Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, not about your body, what you will put on. If you become rich enough, restaurants will let you eat for free and clothing chains will give you clothes to wear if only you announce that they are your clothing line of choice. Look of the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns. Instead, they steal seed from farmer’s fields and kill worms for their breakfast. Are you not more important than birds? So don’t worry about where your food and clothing will come from; just take it from others.

So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. That’s because Solomon had silks and jewels, which is better by far than any flower I’ve ever seen. Besides, those flowers wither away and get burned up in the sun. Solomon’s reign, with his nice clothes and good food, lasted quite a bit longer than that.

For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness by donating to my campaign, and I will see what you have done, and will make sure to reward you later on.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow. Give me your money, and let me take care of tomorrow for you. Each day has enough trouble of its own, so come to me and let me provide for your future.

Judge not, that you not be judged. Unless you have the legal standing to make your judgment, and can defend your case before a court of law. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged, unless the judge is a friend of yours and owes you a favor. For with whatever measure you paid him off, he will measure back to you with an important court decision.

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? The reason is because we must never admit we are wrong, even when it is obvious to everyone else. Deflect the blame by pointing out the speck in your brother’s eye. Don’t say to your brother, “Let me remove the speck from your eye,” because then there won’t be anything you can blame him for. You can get people to stop focusing on the plank in your own eye by pointing out the speck in your brother’s eye. The people will believe this, because they are like dogs and swine. Their attention simply needs to be diverted to someone else before they trample you under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him to knocks the door will be opened, so that whatever favor I give to you will be returned to me when I call upon you later on. What man among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? Give people “bread and circus,” and you can do anything you want. If you, being evil, know how to give good gifts to those who back you, how much more can you expect good gifts from those who need your support? Therefore, whatever you want men to do for you, do also for them, but in a way that puts them at your mercy and in your debt.

Enter by the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the way that everyone else enters by, and I don’t want them to see you visit me late at night. The narrow gate is out behind the house. I’ll give you the passcode for the keyless entry lock on the door. This gate is narrow and it is difficult to find, but this way we can do our business without prying eyes.

Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? Even so every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. It is essential you teach your immigrant workers the difference between the good fruit and bad fruit, or you will never get any profits from your vineyard. Tell them that a good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. They might be able to understand that.

Not everyone who says to Me, “Lord, Lord,” shall be able to work for me. It’s not what they say that matters, but what they are willing to do for me. Many come to me and promise to bring me large profits, to cast out the illegal immigrant demons from our country, and create many jobs in my name, but when they fail to do what was promised, I cast them away from me, and get them fired from their jobs or sent to prison for lawlessness.

Therefore, whoever hears these sayings of mine, and does them I will liken him to a wise man who built his house upon the rock. It was high up on a hill and very beautiful. We had many great parties there where he introduced me to many large donors. When the economy descended and the political flood rose, and the media winds blew and beat against his house, I was able to pull some strings and protect him. He did not fall from his position, for he was founded on the rock.

But everyone who hears these sayings of mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand. He had an oceanfront home near Santa Barbara. It also was very nice, but did not do what I asked him and so when the economy fell and the political flood rose, and the media winds blew and beat against his house, I stood back and watched is fall with a grin on my face. It was a great fall and the man is now in prison.