I wrote the second post for the “All About Eve” blog, and as I was writing it, I was pretty sure that most of what I was writing was … well … not quite what I wanted to say. But I published the post late last night anway, and went to bed.
When I woke up this morning, I knew where I had gone wrong, and am now writing this post…
It is not that what I wrote was wrong; it just was not helpful. “Eve” was grappling with issues of control, and I basically told her that she needed to get in control of her desire to control.
That doesn’t make any sense does it?
When we try to control our desire to control, all we do is amplify our sense of control.
We often call it “letting go of control” but really, all we are doing is trying to gain more control over our life.
Here is the vicious cycle that happens: A person recognizes that they are trying to control others. They see this as bad and feel guilty about this control. So they try to “let go of control,” but when they fail at this also, they now feel guilty about the control AND feel guilty about failing to let go of control. Now they have a double whammy of guilt, which only exacerbates the problem.
You see? When we try to let go of control, we are trying to control control, and since we can neither control people and events, nor let go of control, we walk around in an ever-increasing state of guilt about how we are always trying to control others and how we wish we wouldn’t do this.
What is the fix for our issues with control?
Well, this is where I don’t have many answers. I know for a fact that I am still trying to exert great control in my own life, and I become quite fearful when I see that I cannot.
However, these wise words from Master Oogway to Shifu were helpful:
But here is what is interesting … If you have seen the movie, you know that when Shifu trained Thai Lang, he did exactly as Master Oogway has suggested. He believed in Thai Lang. But Thai Lang’s lust for power led him down a path toward darkness that Shifu never wanted nor intended. This is partly why Shifu is now trying to control the situation. But he cannot.
And I think that this is my problem as well. In the past, when I have believed in God for my future, and believed in the best of others, it has only led to great heartache and pain. Since I do not want to experience that pain and heartache again, I try to exert control over others in my life, and over life itself.
And lest we think we can disregard Master Oogway because he is only speaking some sort of Eastern mysticism crap, the Bible pretty much says the same thing. Passages like James 4;13-17, Proverbs 16:9, and Proverbs 19:21 all reveal that when it comes to control of what happens in our life, control is an illusion. Sure, as Shifu points out in the video clip above, there are a few things we can control, but in the grand scheme of our life, these few things are so insignificant, they amount to having hardly any control at all.
As It is amazing when we sit back and begin to understand how little control we actually have in the world.
- I did not control the day I was born! /li>
- I did not control who my parents were!
- I did not control where I was born!
- I did not control the color of my skin, eyes and hair.
- I will not control when and where I step into eternity.
- I cannot control other drivers on the road.
- I cannot control what other people think about me.
- I cannot control my daughter’s future. (I can try to direct it…but I can’t control it!)
- I cannot control the weather.
- I cannot control how fast (or slow) my food gets to me in a restaurant.
- I cannot control how fast (or slow) the person in front of me is driving.
- I cannot control whether or not someone I know and loves prays to receive Christ.
- I cannot control the fact that my body is breaking down (I heal/repair MUCH slower at 40 than I did at 20!)
- I cannot control God by my religious performance.
Freedom, TRUE freedom, is understanding how out of control we are and then placing our faith in a God who has NEVER ceased to maintain control over what He has created.
So… to everyone who feels like you are out of control…it’s because YOU ARE!!! And, the more we try to control the more likely we are to live in complete rebellion to the one who is in control, who has all things in His hands and who constantly calls us to surrender to Him so that we can experience the joy of living under HIS Sovereignty rather than having to constantly discover that we have none of our own!
So If Control is an Illusion, How Can We Live Without Fear?
I don’t have all the answers on this, and as I stated above, this is all new to me as well. But I am learning, to the best of my ability, to just “enjoy the ride.” Life, it seems, is little more than a wild roller-coaster ride and nothing we can do will control the twists and turns of the track, the slow climbs up the hills or the terrifying plummets into the valleys. We may scream. We may cry. We may even throw up.
But after a couple time around the track, you begin to just enjoy it. Throw up your hands and laugh every time your stomach jumps into your chest.
How can we learn to do this? Because we know a few things:
- God is the builder of this roller coaster called life. No matter what, we won’t fall off the track.
- God loves us, our children, and our spouses MORE than we ever can.
- Jesus is riding in the seat next to us, and He’s hootin’ and hollerin’ with hands raised to the sky.
Based on these three things, we can KNOW that God will guide us and take care of us, and He will do the same for our children as well. Our life (and theirs) may not look the way we wanted or last as long as we think it should, but trying to control life or even trying to control our sense of control only causes us to lose all the enjoyment of life with God.
So don’t simply try to stop controlling people. Also stop trying to control your sense of control. Simply recognize that there is no control, and then sit back and enjoy the ride.
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior … Fear not, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:1).
Our only control is over our choices. Therefore we must make them wisely and with His guidance.
I believe that God has given us great control. Without personal control there is no obedience, and without obedience there is no salvation. Without personal control Jesus died for nothing, and we who hold him as our salvation are the greatest among fools.
Hello Jeremy- I read your article about church bullies and the traits you listed about church bullies accurately describes a person who currently go’s to the same church I do. This person has threatened one elder they should resign after they had a disagreement. This person has a pattern of disrespecting the church leaders in general. Last week they came to the church wanting the secretary to be fired because of something very trivial. The church elders have tried to ignore this person hoping that they’ll get tired of trying to pick on them. This person has had bullying behavior at the church for months. I think the elders are afraid to confront them about their bad behavior because they don’t want the person to stop attending church. Hypothetically if you were a church elder in this situation how would you suggest confronting the person’s bullying behavior?
Aggies I think they would follow the rules of church discipline in Matthew chapter 18.They need t find out if the matter is true or not. If the person is wrong and bulling other members I would take two or more elders to ask him to get right with God/members/leaders and if that didn’t work I would say leave or I would bring it before the church for his/her dismissal. All this has to be done very carefully and with prayer so it takes time to be done in a biblical and Christ like manner
Thanks for your reply. I doubt the elders would suggest for the “church bully” to leave because they have family members that attend. Those family members would probably confront the elders if they tried to excommunicate the main “church bully”. Also, that family behaves like bullies/crazy. About a year ago one of the family members of the main “church bully” put there arm around an elder and told them in a threatening way “I’ll take care of you” when they had a disagreement. When Paul excommunicated a member in the bible I’m not sure it’s clear if that person was a bully and acted crazy.
Interesting timing. I finished reading “The Shack” last night. It gives a great perspective about the problems of control. I suggest folks to read it. Thanks for the post.
Be present 🙂
Aggies I think Paul dismissed a member over sexual misconduct not bulling but your situation is more difficult because of family. If I was pastor I would see what it would cost to keep them or get rid of them. It would be worth more to me to get rid of them even if the church had to struggle in other places but we should not struggle in the area of worship. There will always be tares among the wheat but our God will handle what we find impossible to do it ourselves so that’s why I say to keep on praying about your situation to God because I know He will intervene just wait and see.
Your correct Ricky that Paul dismissed a member over sexual misconduct. The member did eventually repent. But it is good advice you gave that the elders should consider what it would cost to keep the few members that are “church bullies” where I attend. The elders have mostly ignored the church bullies for about a year hoping that they will stop. I think the elders don’t want to confront them because they generally don’t like confrontations. The elders are nice people,but I wish they had the guts to at least talk with them about their bad behavior and the harm that it is doing.
Aggie it sounds like you have your prayer request made out and I will pray for you right now. Keep me informed how things go. May God answer your prayers to reveal His glory and bring all honor to Him
Thanks!
Just one more thing Aggies I don’t want to leave out the possibility the bullies might turn from bulling to God as well. pray for that too because they could leave and disrupt another church and we wouldn’t want that to happen just to find peace in your church. I’m sure God the Father would like both situations yours and their’s to be resolved hopefully and prayerfully that will happen
That’s true Ricky. I’m not an elder or a preacher so it’s out of my hands how I would attempt to deal with the situation. If I were an elder I’d try to persuade the other elders to talk with the bully about there behavior. And your right that perhaps the bullying will stop. Jeremy Myers did write a good article titled about church bullies and some of there traits. The traits he described of a church bully in his article accurately describes the main church member who acts like a bully at the church I attend. At least the bully is not in a leadership position. The name of Jeremy Myers bullying article is called Why I Hate Church Bullies.
Good article. There’s some things that only God can resolve. Control is one of them. Just ask any goal-oriented person around.
Great article Jeremy. It’s probably what Jesus means when He invites us to enter ‘His rest’ – by giving Him control of every situation. Another very helpful article. Please keep them coming. I often share your insights at my bible group (although I often don’t say where they came from – hee hee) and they think I am very wise!!!!
We stop controlling others when we become their servant.