It is always difficult to know what to say at a funeral or to people in pain. Usually, unless we have experienced great pain, suffering, or loss in our own life, we stick our foot in our mouth and say the wrong thing. Sometimes, in painful situations, it is better to not say anything at all, then to try to comfort those who are grieving only to offend or hurt them further.
Not to make light of a painful situation, but too often, we are like this guy:
We want to say the right thing, but since we never know what to say at a funeral, we end up saying something stupid or offensive.
So although it is difficult to know what to say to someone who is grieving or suffering, here are fifteen things NOT to say at a funeral (or to others in pain). These statements are little more than Christian cliches, and aside from not helping anybody, they do not accurately represent God or Scripture.
- Don’t take it so hard.
- God is still on the throne.
- Try to hold back your tears; they make people uncomfortable.
- Remember to give thanks in all things.
- It’s probably for the best.
- God knows what He is doing.
- It could have been worse.
- She (he) is better off now.
- Don’t question God.
- God must really love you to have selected you for this burden.
- Your child (spouse, parent, etc) will be raised again.
- I know what you are experiencing; my dog died last month.
- God is refining you. There must be some sin He is rooting out of your life.
- God is preparing you for something better.
- God is preparing you for something worse.
I always like to remember Job’s friends. It is only after they opened their mouths that they became miserable comforters (Job 16:2).
Do you have questions about any of these fifteen or have one to add? Include it in the comments below.
Justin Lee sadly lost his mum, he wrote about something similar
http://gcnjustin.tumblr.com/post/59426244539/my-mom-just-died-heres-what-you-should-say
How about “God went out into his garden to pick the perfect rose, and it was (the deceased)”?
In response to “He’s in a better place now”, I like “Yeah, and maybe some one should shoot you now and put you out of your misery so you could be in a better place” (Not original from me).
Wow, that’s terrible. It is amazing what some people say.
Helpful!
After my dad died, someone said to me something like, “It’s so hard when your loved one is in hell.” This was while she was hugging me.
Whoa! That is BAD. I am so sorry someone said that. I think that is the worst thing I have ever heard someone say. I hope you slapped them.
Two of the worst things I ever heard were:
1. To a widow: “You have to let God be your husband now…”
2. To my niece, who lost her two-month old son to SIDS: “Well, at least you’re young enough to have more children…” I showed huge amounts of restrain in not punching that person in the face.
You showed huge restrain. People can be so insensitive. Worse yet, they think these things are helpful.
Yes, indeed, you did.
Sometime just a touch or a hug says so much.
Yes. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything at all. Just hug, and be there.
I’ve been there. I lost a child.
Just tell people you are sorry. If you have an especially good memory of something the deceased did or said now is the time to tell them. Tell them how much you thought of the deceased. Don’t try to “fix” the situation or say something profound. Don’t try to make sense of it. Don’t try to have all of the answers.
I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, the words “I am sorry” can be helpful, and sharing a memory. Some people think the memories are painful, but they aren’t.
After my sister shot herself, a Realtor had the gall to send a sympathy card with a personal message that went something like this: “I’m sorry to hear that your sister passed away. I would be glad to help you sell her house”.
Yes Really
Whoa! I am so sorry. What a jerk. That is one of the worst stories on this topic I have heard.
Jeremy–Thanks for your kind comments. Human behavior never ceases to amaze me–both on the bad, and (fortunately) on the good. I’m not sure how I came upon your article, but I am glad I did. It allowed me to unload that horrible thought that has been with me for 10 years. Thanks again.
Craig,
Thank you for following up. Your comments are an encouragement to me as well, to know that my writing is helping people. Thank you very much.
worst thing ive ever heard: “Well, sorry bro, he sucked at life anyways”.
That is truly terrible.
I have two suggestions:
1. don’t say ‘you weren’t a fan’ of the deceased, really just stay away. And
. 2. Don’t sign a sympathy card from your dog. Ever.
I am going to a funeral this morning and reading this article and the comments was helpful. Thanks!
My father- in- law had died years previously, so when my mother-in-law passed a few years later a friend came through the line and said to my husband ” so what does it feel like to now be an orphan” .
These are actually pretty funny.