Sorry for the song reference to Haddaway in the post title there … Although it was a really good song.
A reader recently sent me an email which I was unable to answer. (GASP! Yes … there are numerous such questions!) So, with his permission, I am putting it up here on the blog for you to weigh in on. His basic question is this:
We have all been told that true, biblical love (agape love) is not a feeling. But in 1 Corinthians 13 where Paul describes and defines agape love, he basically says that it is not actions either. Even if you do all the good and loving works described in 1 Cor 13:1-3, none of it matters if you don’t have love. So love seems to be something more than just loving actions as well. Therefore, what is love?
Here is an example: Do you love the poor and homeless? Well, probably very few of us feel a whole lot of love for the homeless. But many of us are involved in loving actions toward the poor and homeless as we give them food and clothing and try to help them obtain a better life. But taking care of the poor is one of the specific actions that Paul mentions in 1 Corinthians 13:3 as not meaning anything without love.
So again, I ask, “What is love?”
Here is the email I received from the blog reader (the email has been slightly edited for the purposes of this blog):
I was told countless times that love (Christian true love) is not a feeling but a decision.
And of course, we have 1 Cor 13, whatever you do without love is worth nothing. Even if you give your life to the poor, if you don’t love, it won’t do you any good.
Let us suppose someone has a chronically mentally ill spouse whom they have spent the last 30 years caring for, and will probably continue caring for them for another 30 years, unless death comes first.
The healthy spouse often feels like running away. They sometimes wish they had never gotten married. Sometimes they wish their spouse would just die. But the healthy spouse promised to be faithful in good and bad days, in sickness and in health. So far, the healthy spouse has stayed with the mentally ill spouse, but often does not feel any love, even though the constant care and companionship are loving actions. So is it love?
If the actions of love are present, but the feelings of love are not, is it love?
What should such a person do? Should they try to redeem their thoughts? Should they try to brainwash themselves into feeling love? Or is it enough to just keep the promises, stay faithful, and serve with ongoing love, support, and care, despite the absence of all feelings?
Maybe people don’t face this exact situation, but maybe they care for the poor, look after refugees, help support persecuted Christians, or work to protect orphans. These are all loving actions, but if they do not actually feel any love, is it really love? Does it really matter? Love is not a feeling, we are all told, but it seems that without the feeling, the actions of love are also worthless.
So, if love is not a feeling, and if according to 1 Cor 13 deeds do not suffice to prove love … what is love?
What thinkest thou, O wise one? Let us know in the comment section below!
How bout this….
*Can we even fully describe the Lord our God?….then how can we even fully describe the many facets of love?*
:)?
So very true. Thank you!
Maybe….it’s having the mind of Christ…as we go about our daily walk….dealing with people…how we see them…
Love is not a sensual feeling. We know “the wisdom of the world is sensual and demonic” (James 3)
We know from all through the New Testament and the old if we’re able, that the focus is not on the external. Jesus even teaches to clean the inside of the cup. 1 Timothy 1:5 tells us that the goal of the command is love, with a pure heart, good conscience and sincere faith.
Love is the motivation. Philippians 2 tells us to be like Jesus (even being God) not counting ourselves more important but laying down our lives for others – and He repeatedly taught it.
The motivation for our actions is important. We must keep an honest heart before God. Which is why our relationship with Him is foremost. Else we might just start to pity ourselves and we know from 1 cor 13 that love doesn’t seek its own.
Revelations 12:11 tells us that we “overcome by the blood of the lamb, word of our testimony and we LOVE NOT OUR OWN LIVES even unto death”
But it’s not in a sense of devaluing oneself. Jesus never lost value by serving Himself up. It’s because He knew His value that He could do it.
It’s not in sacrifice, but in mercy. Love covers a multitude of sin. Mercy triumphs over judgement.
We are alive to diffuse His presence, being mercy machines. Because more than ourselves we care about the souls and lives of others.
You can only be a doormat if you are in a place of self pity. It’s a perspective. Love doesn’t feel that way. Besides, God is real!!! And He is always here to commune with.
It’s amazing how real love blows the mind of the world, because our carnal selves are so self centered and self preserving most people can’t imagine that kind of action.
So the actions are important but they come from the motive. Don’t try grow fruit, try to become the tree with good roots, abiding in Him. Learning from His love. And always hoping for them, because Love never fails.
This is impossible for the carnal man of course. But that’s why we must be transformed by the renewing of our minds. This only comes from knowing God. From meeting Him with the desire to be more like Him. Seeking first His kingdom and righteousness. This is the new man 🙂
Yes!
Don’t hurt me no more.
The apostle John makes the statement that “God is love and those that abide in love abide in God and God abides in them ”
Does it not follow from this statement that biblical love ( agape ) refers to the presence and power of God himself. The presence and the energising power of the Holy Spirit in the lives of believers.
Perhaps if we read Paul’s poem about agape and say the word God, or the word Holy Spirit where Paul says love, then we might start to get the idea.
Yes, love this! Thank you!
Great answer. I have often wondered about 1 Corinthians 13 also. But as you say replacing the word love with God makes a lot of sense.
Thanks for the reply Jem and Suzanne. Along with Moses, Isaiah and David, Paul would have to be one of the greatest of poets.
The fact that Paul turned to poetry to speak about love , reminds me that God is not only to be understood in His actions but also in His inner temperament ( speaking in human terms )
I think Jesus demonstrated that God is a person of passion, strong emotions and feelings.
Luke tells us how Jesus turned and looked at Peter in the courtyard when Peter disowned Him. I can hardly read that without bursting into tears myself.
Loving ourselves is gaining at least some understanding of the value God places on us, and looking at ourselves/seeing ourselves as God sees us. Loving others is also seeing that God places this same value on them. Feeling can be involved, but feeling alone does not sum up love. It also involves how we treat not only ourselves, but also others. In that sense it is “doing”. We want the best for ourselves and others, and that often includes responding in kindness, helping when and as we can, and even practicing the fine art of “presence” in the lives of others.
Developing balance between loving ourselves and others may be difficult. Some of us tend to lavish our love on ourselves, while a few who have the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the heart to understand the needs with which we are constantly surrounded in the lives of others, tend to neglect self and tend mostly to others. Neither approach is balanced, but Jesus’ directive to love our neighbors as we love ourselves benefits both self and others best.
Brennan Manning told the story of a priest in Ireland who, on a walking tour of a rural parish, saw an old peasant kneeling by the side of the road, praying. Impressed, the priest said to the man, “You must be very close to God.” The peasant looked up from his prayers, thought for a moment, and then smiled, “Yes, he’s very fond of me.” Would that I had the insight of that peasant, and that I might also grasp that God is also very fond of you.
Love is ALL of it. I’ve looked after people with intellectual disabilities for 20 years and some days you just want to throw them against the wall. The fact is that we are human beings, and human beings have emotional responses and emotions running in all different directions every day. God knows that, after all He created us that way.
Sometimes we feel compassion for a person, sometimes true empathy. Mental illness is the pits for everyone concerned and it is SO hard to keep coming back with love, especially if you are being abused or your emotions twisted around so much that you actually feel like YOU are the crazy one.
TRUST ME I HAVE BEEN THERE. It’s actually A FORM OF TORTURE FOR THE CARER, and carers don’t get much of a life of their own. Their mental illness tortures you. In so many ways. Whether it be seeing them like that, whether it be dealing with their paranoia against you, attacking you emotionally or physically. It is horrible to live with.
Therefore how do you go on loving a person whose presence tortures you?
The best way you can. Whatever that means.
If you feel no love then ALL you can do is love with your actions. Keep the person clean and fed and try to protect yourself from their mental illness.
If some days you feel empathy, then love with your heart as well on that day.
It is all love.
What I have done in the past sometimes is to ask God to give me His eyes for this person. To show me how He sees them and how much He loves them. I have found that this is actually really effective. When I’ve done this He’s shown me a whole new love for this person and caring for them became a whole new game.
Whoever this person is they are doing a fantastic job of loving their spouse. No greater love has a man than he give up his life for another. All I can say is that love can be bloody, bloody hard, so ask for God’s love to channel through you.
Sorry, I forgot to mention that I’ve dealt with a lot of mental illness also, and I have found that sometimes the most loving thing for everybody is to get the person cared for by an outside service. You can manage and oversee their care, and in taking that step back from direct care, the relationship between the spouses can achieve a new level, or different level of love. Sometimes direct care is not the best way as it is too much for one person on their own. Stepping back from that is no less loving.
P.S. I have never thrown anybody against a wall or hurt anyone in any way. I practiced patience and self-control but just describing the extreme feelings that this kind a situation can evoke.
Phew! Just thought that I’d clear that up Lol
Thank you for your honest response. All your entries resulted in a deep touching. Bless you!
Loved this answer Kay. You have been fantastically honest – so much so that I am going to print off your responses and give them to two friends of mine whose mothers have severe Alzheimer’s and they are feeling so guilty about the emotions they are having. I think your answers will give them so much relief. Thank you.
Suzanne, I had to reply to your reply. I cared for my mother for years, even had to stop working to care for her. Your friends should not feel guilty because they have less than “loving'” feelings for their mother’s at all times. Anger, resentment, frustration, self-pity, questioning God are all perfectly normal responses to the situation, and it doesn’t mean that they do not love their mothers. Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.” We aren’t told not to get angry, we’re told not to sin in our anger.
They can’t be perfect in everything they say or do. They must take care of themselves, take breaks, let others help if possible, and they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves.
In my opinion, the fact that they are so concerned is a sure sign of their love. I believe that God loves them, and is pleased with them.
Excellent response Kay. I have worked with the intellectually disabled, and I’ll be working with them again soon. I was also my mother’s caregiver, who had dementia. So I know what you mean about all the emotions involved in caring for those with mental, emotional impairments.
I think that the type of love being discussed here is related to the caregiver caring for them self so that they can continue to be there for the one in need. As you said, get help or even step aside and let others do the care giving, if that’s an option.
If you don’t love that chronically mentally ill spouse, wouldn’t you have filed for divorce and walked away?
Neville got here 1st with same take as mine. God is Love.
Gal 2:20
“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me”
The government takes care of needy people; does that make welfare love?
Secular people “fall in love”. But don’t they receive something back?
Born again Christians living by faith, guided by the Holy Spirit, in covenant relationship with the Lord BECOME love as they surrender to God and put Him on the throne of their hearts!
I believe true love is a decision. Everyone has a voice in their head to incline them to feel love towards a person (to perform actions that show love), but a lot of people ignore that voice and even block it out (except for the people they specifically care about).
The way I see it, one of the measurements for love is how true it is, from a range of automatic love (just having that voice or some inclination to care for someone) to perfect or unconditional love (that you’re consciously willing to do anything you can to help out someone).
So automatic love is simply having an inclination to care for someone (it may only be noticeable when you see someone in need) and unconditional love is being aware that you want to do whatever you can for someone.
Love is not necessarily a two-way street. You can have unconditional love for someone and they can hate you and want you to die or otherwise disappear from their life. (The perfect example of this is God loving everyone unconditionally – even the atheists who hate Him).
The passage in 1 Corinthians 13 about doing actions without love being worthless is in reference to having a bad attitude while doing the actions (e.g. during evangelism if you have the attitude that the person you’re talking to is an enemy and you don’t act in a loving way when trying to turn them to the truth). In the case brought up of taking care of a spouse but not feeling love, it appears that the caretaker still has love for the spouse, given they are keeping the commitment and taking care of the spouse. As long as the spouse isn’t cheating or otherwise going against the relationship, it still appears love is present.
Love is a state of being that can not be separated from God. It’s not just in the mind but the heart and soul living for the benift of someone who is unaware of the Spirit within. It’s as present and as elusive and gentke as a breeze flowing through a window and as powerful a full blown tornado.
Yet it covers all amount of sinful actions. Love is very difficult to discribe.
I admire your analysis of love, very loveable something. ?
Great question! It is one I struggled with forever because I am not what you call a “people person” I used to wonder if this made me a bad person, clearly I didn’t have “love” in the way we understand it, for hardly anybody. It bothered me a lot. The Lord showed me something interesting. We know from scripture that it is not an emotion (per say) or actions. But I did learn that it was a choice. Not to decide to tell someone I loved them, but in my case, a sort of empathy. To get out of my own way, out of my own head and into theirs. To try to see the world as they might see it. What their struggles may be doing to them. How the result of their actions, behaviour, illness or circumstances causes the world to react to them in a certain way. What that might feel like. Taking a moment to try and understand them through their own eyes. Taking that moment, to step out of my own mind, which always just assumes or judges a situation without the facts. It actually started drawing me nearer to people. It softened my heart. My stone hardened jaded heart. So what I thought was this crazy philosophical concept of love, was nothing more that a choice to be present and connected. Of course that evolves into actions and feelings. I am not saying this is what it means for everyone, but it was for me. It is not an easy choice to make, sometimes it hurts and can be emotionally upsetting. However, it has made every difference in my life.
Peace everyone.
That really makes sense, Alyne!! I can relate to that. Your comment has touched me the most so far and really got me thinking.
I believe love can be defined as “good will in action.” It is not JUST the good will, not JUST the action. Its both. Willing good for another, and doing that which is in your power to bring it about.
What a question i was so pondering upon this i burnt the potatoes for tea but i managed to rescue them from the brink of distruction any way where was i. To me love is not the act in itself because that is a response to love or to be loved.Nor is it a feeling because sometimes we choose to love others despite our feelings we lay aside our own desires for the sake of others.Nor is love confined to reason because it isnt always logical or reasonable and can be totally illogical. Why would God send his son to die for sinners who hated him yet that is what he did.For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son.I think the heart of it is that love is an unstoppable driving force that can do anything overcomes everything and motivates us in ways we dont fully understand and that makes no sense at all logically.In essense that is who God is yet we didnt recognise him until Christ came to reveal who he was.The father has always loved us he is pure love but we rejected his love and went our own way.So in Jesus we discover our identity is found in our fathers love that we were always loved and in being loved we can in turn love others with the love he has freely given us through his son.That is my description of what love means to me.I better get back to feeding the family. regards brentnz
Great thoughts Brentnz although you have proven the idea that men cannot multitask! They must either ponder Jeremy’s questions or stick to cooking the potatoes. They cannot do both. Good answer though.
Suzanne thanks for your reply i really appreciate it i cant speak for all the other men out there but i agree that i certainly cant multi task.brentnz
Perhaps love is neither emotion or action, but the underlying motive that guides them both.
I like to refer back to when the old woman gave her last for coins while the man was praised for giving someone generously. Sometimes people today especially in church look at the poster child Christian. They give, they go on missions, etc. They are highly praised. And sure yet wouldn’t want the people they help to be hurt but they wouldn’t really care which country or who they helped as long as it looks like they are obeying the Bible and everyone likes them. That’s not love. In a way their actions are only to gain favor with God and those around them. Like the guy who gave a lot. Or the man who prayed loudly and compared himself to the tax collector. He looked great he gave a lot. But God notices the lamenting tax collector calling himself unworthy. And the little woman who gave all she had. They loved with all they had.
Love is at least to me giving it your all. Even when you don’t want to, or you know you will most likely fail. you know it benefit them. It lifts others up. It brings glory to your King so you push on.
Tacia that is true one of my favorite verses is if we love him we will obey him thats how we express our love for him he doesnt want sacrifice he wants obedience but not out of fear of judgement but because we love him with all our hearts and want to do all we can to show that we appreciate what he has done for us.The woman who offered the few mites gave everything she had the rich people gave out of there abundance.Big difference it wasnt the value it was the attitude she gave her all to God and God honored her.The verse that comes to mind that sums it all up that we are to love the Lord with all our hearts mind soul and strength and love our neighbours as ourselves.brentnz
I think love is simply God. Our power and peace comes from relying on and acknowledging His grace in everything – to know that He is the source of our victories and of our comfort when we fail. We need not do anything but acknowledge Him and be grateful
I’ve been struggling with a lot of issues this past year – failing to trust in God with all my heart while falling back into old fearful patterns and trying too hard lean on my own understanding, mixing myself up along the way with, frankly, too many Bible verses and analysis of Bible verses.
By trusting in God (as hard as that has been for me), I have come to see that grasping a single simple truth as God allows me works best for me – namely that God is complete love and complete mercy and forgiveness without limitation. There is nothing to fear. With God all things are possible and without God nothing is. The good news is that He never withholds himself from us. Whatever good I’m allowed to do comes from God. It is the perfect God who casts out fear (false evidence appearing real) – but never lets us go even when we give into fear.
I believe Paul’s famous letter could also read this way:
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have God, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have God, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have God, I gain nothing.
God is patient, God is kind. God within us moves us not to envy, not to boast, and not to be proud. God moves us not to dishonor others, and not to be self-seeking or easily angered. God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects so that we may be moved to always trust, always hope, always persevere in Him.
God never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me (i.e. fearful interpretations of religious dogma). For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (as a child of God who belongs to God).
And now these three remain: faith, hope and God who is love. Faith and hope lead to God who is Himself the greatest of all gifts.
To love God above all things is to acknowledge and rejoice that God (who is love itself) is above and within everyone and everything. Therefore, to love God fully is to love others as we love ourselves. God is both the ultimate noun and the ultimate verb.
So, IMHO, love is a gift, a decision and our grace-filled actions. Love is God within all of us. I need God. I belong to God and I am grateful for His unearned eternal grace and forgiveness. Amen.
True John. Thanks for this. I couldn’t agree less.
John i agree totally with you God is the highest expression of Love.God is doing a work in your life from what you have written when we struggle it allows the flesh to be exposed our wicked hearts are revealed and we see that we fall short.I went through the same experience it was painful and i am grateful and thankful to the Lord for bringin gme through such times because i am a better christian for it.The best way i found in dealing with my weaknesses was to confess them to God and as i told him that i also asked him to strengthen me in his mighty power because i couldnt live the christian life..It was pride on my part that stopped me entering into that deeper walk i wanted to do it in my strength but we cannot the more we walk according to the flesh the more of a foothold the enemy has on us so we struggle.When we crucify the flesh and the works of the flesh and draw closer to God and rely on him we become as he is and that is who we are called to be.So we do not fail but continue to overcome in his strength not looking to the flesh at all but to Christ.You and i were called to be overcomers more than conquerers.May the Lord continue to strengthen you in your walk and faith as you grow in him.Your brother in Christ brentnz
Hi, Brentz
Thank you so much for your reply – and helping me to see that I am not alone. I thought I had my post and the responses to it removed but thankfully have found it here. The truth is I panicked when I first read your response (the word “wicked” somehow threw me – but I realize now my heart was poisoned with the wickedness of fear, lack of faith and pride but I am a new creation in Christ who makes me whole and good in His eyes and Care. I foolishly and sinfully nurtured the poison but I am not the poison. I, like you and everyone, am a child of God. Today, I accept His mercy, grace and forgiveness with gratitude. I belong to God and I am glad. May God take this message, my life and my heart –and make it good. May God bless you on your journey and may everyone know that God loves them. Thank You God.
And thank you and God bless you, Brentz.
John i am excited for you and can see that the Lord is moving in your life you are an encouragement to me because your desire is to seek and please the Lord with all your heart.May our Lord continue to build you up in your faith and may you be a light to those who are in darkness.regards brent
Thank you, Brent. Your words have been amazingly healing.
God bless you.
Love is the condition of our heart when we engage into actions that show what it is we have in our hearts. We can perform things like what 1 Corinthians 13 talks about, but if there is not that desire to do what it is that we are doing then there is no love. The presence of love is what transforms the attitude behind the action. That’s the reason why we would prefer one till attendant over the other sometimes. The way they act towards us when doing what every other attendant is doing will be different, we call it attitude but that attitude is derived from the nature of the heart as it performs the deed. The action is the same but the heart in the action is different. There is love in one and no love in the other.
I didn’t take the time to read the comments here, i still will though but I’ll just add afew things first of all by saying Love is not a feeling rather it’s a committment, a decision, Choiceful intent, a will and lastly a commandment.
Committment: Christ as an example was committed to the work of His father. This reflected to the miracles, teachings, healing, giving abd everything He did on earth. If they were based on his feelings He could have run away from Gethsemane or called the thousands of angels to come fight for him before Judas.
Decision: Christ had compassion on the multitude after He ministered to their spirit, He knew their GIT needed ministration too so he decided to feed them. He actually could havd just blessed them and told them to go because the spiritual ministration is profitable.
Intent: Well, i love Jeremy so i made a choice to subscribe to his blog and read them. The intention is to learn, share with others and grow. There are one million and one other bloggers I’m yet to find out, i intend to love them, follow, subscribe and read their blogs. ???
I can unsubscribe, but this in no way means i un-love you, Jeremy, it’s just a choice to unfollow and still love. Lol! Kidding though
Will: i dunno what to say here. If I’ve been making sense from the beginning am sure you’ll find something to fill this. Thanks. ?
Commandment: This is too obvious to ignore. Its as simple as “love thy neighbor as thyself”. Its a command, no negotiation. I’m thinking out loud though, if you don’t love yourself how can you love me, your neighbor from here. Lol!
Am just trying to say that i think Paul wanted us to understand that whatever we do in love has to be in line with God’s will, intention to expand God’s kingdom, obedience to his command and committment to his work on earth.
Verses 1-3 had pride, boast n ego written all over it because am wondering why someone would have so much faith only to use it to move mountains lol! This contradicts vs 4 downwards.
Well, my heart is gladden that even Brother Paul admitted to all his knowing as partial and incomplete, what more can we say than to love like Christ did.
God bless us all.
Beulah.
Neville beat me, I have a similar view to him. I get my definition of love from 1 John 3:16, “This is love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers”. I think the next verse is the clue as to how that is lived out, “If you see someone in need but close your heart toward them, how does God’s love abide in you?”. So perhaps love is neither a feeling or an action but a Person and true love is manifested then through feelings and actions when we abide in Him and reflect Him to others.
I don,t know what love feels like.
Mitchell when we dont know what love is it is really hard to understand that God loves us i struggled with that very same thing growing up.Just start with trusting Jesus and following him he will help you to understand what love is just ask him to show you.I know that without love life is without purpose and empty but if we have Jesus we have love hope purpose and a future.May he show you how much he loves you. brentnz
Still not through with reading all the comments, many of them deeply inspiring.
Looking at the description of love “Love is…” in your article, love is HOW you do the deeds. It is a matter of the heart. Feelings are a symptom, but not a sure-fire symptom, just an unpredictable symptom, of what is going on in the heart. We can only get true love from God, not by doing deeds or drumming up feelings. We get love from God by letting Him love us, accepting His love for us in the myriad of ways He offers it to us every day. Getting love from God is how love never fails.
Hi Jeremy, thought provoking question this. Well, here are my thoughts, I hope they help.
Yes, love is not a feeling. And yes, it is more than just actions. Love is this: a mindset that births the desire and leads to the decision to do and be what is best for the others, always.
Love essentially puts the interests and concerns of the other person(s) above self, and is driven by the desire to be or do what is best for others. This desire then births the decision to do or be what the other person needs.
Love crucifies self (if need be) to become or do what is best for others in any context.
If the decision to “love” is not driven by the desire to always do or be what’s best for others, I doubt it is love as described in 1 Cor 13.
Using the example about the couple: if the healthy spouse had love (remember, it is a mindset), s/he would be driven by the desire to do or be what is best for the critically ill one, and thus, would not harbour thoughts of running away. Because clearly, that’s not what is best for the ill spouse.
If love is the motive, s/he would think from the other’s perspective, s/he would not act out of duty/obligation; but would rather strive to do and be all that the spouse needs him/her to do or be in that context.
PS: This love (the God kind) is not possible without the Holy Spirit, as He is the One who pours out the love of God in our hearts (Romans 5:5).
Thank you.
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