This is a guest post by Michael Thompson. Michael currently works at Denso Manufacturing TN as Expatriate Support. He is married to his wife Rachel, and they have two children (two and four-year-old). Michael also plays keyboard for Hope Church in Knoxville TN.
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When my wife started attending college her father served as an elder in their church. Even though she was very involved with her youth group and loved her church, she didn’t feel comfortable talking about sexual struggles with anyone at church or her family. These subjects were considered inappropriate for discussion.
At some point Rachel started dating the wrong person. To make a long story short, they had sex and she got pregnant.
Her family was prominent at church so her father’s reputation was at stake. Since she didn’t know how anyone would take it, she told no one. The only person who knew was her boyfriend, so he became the only influence over her. Should she have the baby, give it up for adoption, or have an abortion? She had never faced a decision of this magnitude and she was doing it alone and terrified.
If she had the baby her dad would be disgraced and be forced to step down as an elder. In her panic, she felt certain that her church would be ashamed of her and her father would reject her, whether it was true or not. When you’re faced with a big decision and you’re alone you become very susceptible to suggestion, and her boyfriend was telling her an abortion would fix everything.
She waited outside the abortion clinic, in tears, still not sure if she wanted to go inside. Her boyfriend pressed further and Rachel went inside, alone, while he waited outside in the car. When Rachel got inside she saw other girls also in tears. All the other girls had a mother, father, or friend to hold their hand. Rachel sat alone in tears, waiting for a doctor to kill the baby growing inside of her so her friends, family, and church would not learn of this and reject her.
There was another teenage girl at her church who also got pregnant before all this happened. Rachel saw how people talked about her when she wasn’t there and how people started treating her differently when she started to show. Rachel didn’t want that shame for herself or her father. That thought, mixed with her boyfriend’s venom, convinced her to have the abortion.
Rachel always said: “If I wasn’t a Christian I never would have had an abortion.”
It’s a tragedy that any girl should feel this way, and that a child was not given the chance to live because of it.
Rachel and I want all Christians to treat pregnant girls with nothing but the love of Christ.
The truth of Scripture that sex is reserved for marriage should be upheld, but if the only time this comes up in church is in the form of shaming the girl who made the mistake, we could be paving the way for the next Rachel to have an abortion.
It is time to bring to light that which has remained in the darkness. It is time to love those who live in shame and fear.
If you learn that a girl in your church got pregnant, love that person like you’ve never loved anyone before. They need it now more than ever. You’re not approving of the sin by loving them. The incredibly difficult life change and loss of social life and personal time will be punishment enough for them. They don’t need your rejection on top of it.
We also want girls to understand that the world will not end if people know about your mistake. Finding out that you’re pregnant is terrifying, but it’s incredibly unlikely that you’ll be met with an angry mob if people find out. You need someone to support you through this. You made the decision to have sex, you got pregnant, and your life is going to change. You will not look back several years from now and regret having your child. That child is going to be the joy of your life. You will, however, forever regret an abortion. The pain from the decision to abort is so much greater than the work and inconvenience of becoming a mother. It’s going to be very difficult for you, but you are stronger than you think. Reach out for strength from your church family and your immediate family and get through this.
Great article and really touches on a true issue for all believers. We are sinners saved by grace. We are not asked, instructed, or given the example to judge others. Yet we do. Why? If fear is the issue and we allow that fear to drive us to guilt and shame others into some sort of mock acceptable mode, then we are doubly wrong. We are asked, called, and given the instruction to love one another.
Great point, Kevin. Greg Boyd’s book Repenting of Religion really helped me in this area as well.
“Whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done for Me.” We all make mistakes and must live with the conseqenses. But God is willing to forgive in all circumstances as we should be also. It is not our place to chastise others, but to forgive them and help them through thier difficulties.
Christians have a tendancy to judge other Christians who sin differently than they do. If they would just focus on keeping their own temples clean & leave the judging to their Lord, they could walk in the freedom of being set free from condemnation and love the sinner as Jesus did.
I would hesitate to ever call pregnancy a mistake, but otherwise I completely agree.
I work at a local Pregnancy Aid Center. The shame and condemnation that those who are pregnant out of wedlock feel breaks my heart at times. I love the opportunity to share there is no (zero, zilch ) condemnation to those in Christ. Religion is destructive to many.
Chuck – I would not say “pregnancy” is a mistake, but the sexual activity outside of marriage that leads to an unplanned pregnancy is. The pregnancy just advertises it to the world. The church should be a “safe” place that, on the one hand, does not condone sin, but on the other hand, does not condemn the person who sins. ‘Tis a fine line to walk, thus it can only be done by the power of the Holy Spirit. Left to our own, we tend to fall on one side or the other. The church (aka, the people of God) should be a place of healing.
Exactly, Chuck, on all counts.
I’ve known several.
Mine did not!
This is such a terrible story that is all too common. I’ve been through training to help people walk through healing of their abortions and the stories are all the same. It’s shame & fear that drive people to this point.
A disconnect happens when we make these decisions. Our brain disconnects from our hearts when we try to reason our way out of crisis.
The challenge after the fact is to restore that connection. Obviously the best part is to avoid it all together. The church needs to be speaking into this more!
Yes, churches need to realize how we have added to the shame and fear of some people, rather than coming along side them to love and help.