Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

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On the day after my trip to the pet store, I went out to my pool to see how my fish were doing. Every single one of them was dead.

It figures. Now I know why the store manager and that punk kid of his were laughing at me as I left. The fish they sold me were all sick! The crooks. I really should report them to the police. But I knew when to forgive and forget, and didn’t God say, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay”? I would let God deal with them by sending them to burn forever in the pit of hell. That would be worse than sending them to prison where they might reform their lives and find Jesus. Yes, it was better to just let them continue in their sin. Besides, I had already warned the kid that he was headed for hell. His blood would not be on my head as he burned for all eternity.

But what was I going to do about fish? I couldn’t go buy more. My wife was already upset at how much I had spent on the boat, the fishing gear, the pool, and the fish. I couldn’t spend more money right now. I had to find some free fish to put in my pool so I could begin catching them.

But where? Where could I find free fish?

I guess it was time to start reading some of those fishing magazines. I pulled a few out and started thumbing through them, looking for articles about where to find fish. And wouldn’t you know it, there were several articles on this very topic! One article in particular was very helpful, stating that fish liked to hide under logs, behind rocks, and in the weeds. I had some of these right in my yard. Could it be possible that fish were hiding right in my backyard?

I didn’t quite understand how this could be. Didn’t fish live in water? How could they hide behind rocks and trees? Clearly, there was something I was missing.

So I decided to put my superior research skills to use in finding a solution to this problem. The answer did not take long. That is what happens when you have an intellect like mine.

I searched Google for “fish on land” and learned that scientists have discovered a fish that climbs out of the water and walks around on land. They call it a “mud skipper.”

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

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It was true what my neighbor said. When I looked through the magazines, all the pictures showed boats in rivers and lakes. But I had no intention of going fishing on a river or lake. I was kind of scared of water, and had used a pool because it was safer. If something happened, I could just jump out. Jumping out of a boat was not possible in a lake or river.

And fish could live in a pool, couldn’t they? Why not? Water is water, right? Why couldn’t I just go buy some fish, put them in my pool, and then fish for them?

Sure, it would defeat the purpose of catching all the free fish I could eat, because I would have to buy the fish before I caught them, but technically, if I bought them and set them free in my pool, and then caught them again, they were free fish. This is especially true if they reproduced in the pool! If they reproduced, I could keep my boat safely in the pool and still catch all the free fish I wanted.

The plan was genius. This was just another reason I was going to be a world-famous fisherman. Probably no one had ever thought of this before. Imagine the magazine articles that will be written about how I revolutionized the fishing strategies of fishermen everywhere! But first I needed to prove that my idea worked.

I went down to the pet store and asked to buy fish. The pimple-faced teenager behind the counter wanted to know what kind.

“One of each,” I told him. “I’m a fisherman, and want to have experience catching all different kinds of fish.”

“Some of them are kind of expensive. Are you sure you want one of each?”

He clearly didn’t believe I was serious about fishing.

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at world evangelism.

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We men know how to fish. It’s in our blood. It’s instinctive. I’m like a king fisher, out here…fishing. I could give lessons on fishing. I could start a fishing club. Maybe someday I will. Once I become famous for my fishing prowess, fisherman from all over the world will come to me wanting to learn how to fish.

I wasn’t a pro when I started. I made some mistakes. But I learned from them. Experience is the best teacher, after all. And now I am a professional. I am going to start catching lots of fish now.

“Hey there neighbor!”

Great. My pesky, know-it-all neighbor thinks he’s so smart. Yesterday, he told me that in order to catch fish, I had to put my boat in the water. Like I didn’t know that. But today I had nothing to fear: I had my boat in the water.  I proudly pointed out this fact to him. “Look! I’ve got my boat in the water!”

“Yes. Yes, you do.” The words came slowly out of his mouth. What a dimwit. “And, uh, you bought a pool too, I see.”

Why is this guy always criticizing me about how much money I spend? I’m the one trying to catch fish, and fishing is expensive. Besides, it was his idea to put the boat in the water.

“Well, duh!” I tried to say it nicely, but it’s hard to be nice to someone who always puts you down. “I had to put the boat in the water, and this was the best way to do it.”

“Hmmm…” He was clearly trying to decide what to say next.

Maybe I should ask him to help pay for my pool, since it was his idea. If he did, I suppose I could give him a fish or two when I caught them. No. They were my fish. Then it hit me. “Hey, you want to get in? You can fish with me!”

“No. I don’t think we’ll catch any fish out of your pool.” He spoke cautiously, as though he was wary of my crushing intellect.

I laughed. “Yesterday you say I need to put my boat in the water, and today you say I don’t. You need to be more consistent. This is why you lost your wife.” I probably shouldn’t have said that last part. But it was true. If he treated his wife the way he treated me, it is no wonder they split up. Sometimes, people just need to be told the truth. And besides, I said it with love. You can say things like that if you say it with love.

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at world evangelism.

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I want to become the world’s greatest fisherman. I want people to talk about the great number of fish I caught, and the size of the monsters I pulled from lakes and rivers all over the world. I want to be interviewed in fishing magazines, be a guest on fishing shows, and get invited to speak at fishing conferences. I dream of the day that fishing methods get named after me and people interview me for their books about fishing.

The only problem with achieving this dream is that so far, I haven’t done any fishing.

So recently, I decided to get started.

But one cannot go out and just start fishing. One must prepare. Proper preparation is the key to fishing. A well-prepared fisherman is a successful fisherman. You can quote me on that.

So, I went to the local fishing store, and bought everything I thought I needed. I bought lures, flies, two poles, some fishing line, a creel, and a pair of needle-nosed pliers to remove the hooks from all the fish I was going to catch. I even splurged and bought myself a boat. After all, if you’re going to fish, you should do it in style.

Never having fished before, I also knew that I needed to learn about fishing. If a well-prepared fisherman is successful, a teachable fisherman is even more successful. So I bought a few fishing magazines which looked like they could teach me something. However, being as humble and intelligent as I am, I knew that it would be foolish to actually read these magazines until I discovered what I needed to know about fishing. There was no sense learning about how to fish until I had learned the right questions to ask. And besides, I was pretty sure I could figure out this whole fishing thing on my own. I mean, how hard could it be? Besides, I had heard rumors of people who spent all their time reading about fishing, and never actually got around to fishing. That wasn’t going to be me. So I put the fishing magazines in the boat with all of my other fishing gear. This way, if I ran into any problems while I was fishing, I could pull out a magazine and look for a solution.

The next day, once everything was set, I packed myself a lunch, and climbed into the boat.

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