Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…
On the day after my trip to the pet store, I went out to my pool to see how my fish were doing. Every single one of them was dead.
It figures. Now I know why the store manager and that punk kid of his were laughing at me as I left. The fish they sold me were all sick! The crooks. I really should report them to the police. But I knew when to forgive and forget, and didn’t God say, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay”? I would let God deal with them by sending them to burn forever in the pit of hell. That would be worse than sending them to prison where they might reform their lives and find Jesus. Yes, it was better to just let them continue in their sin. Besides, I had already warned the kid that he was headed for hell. His blood would not be on my head as he burned for all eternity.
But what was I going to do about fish? I couldn’t go buy more. My wife was already upset at how much I had spent on the boat, the fishing gear, the pool, and the fish. I couldn’t spend more money right now. I had to find some free fish to put in my pool so I could begin catching them.
But where? Where could I find free fish?
I guess it was time to start reading some of those fishing magazines. I pulled a few out and started thumbing through them, looking for articles about where to find fish. And wouldn’t you know it, there were several articles on this very topic! One article in particular was very helpful, stating that fish liked to hide under logs, behind rocks, and in the weeds. I had some of these right in my yard. Could it be possible that fish were hiding right in my backyard?
I didn’t quite understand how this could be. Didn’t fish live in water? How could they hide behind rocks and trees? Clearly, there was something I was missing.
So I decided to put my superior research skills to use in finding a solution to this problem. The answer did not take long. That is what happens when you have an intellect like mine.
I searched Google for “fish on land” and learned that scientists have discovered a fish that climbs out of the water and walks around on land. They call it a “mud skipper.”
At first I thought this was just an attempt by pagan scientists to prove evolution. A few years ago I had been tricked into thinking that the jackalope was real, and I wasn’t about to make that mistake again.
So to verify the information, I called a guy from church who was a scientist. I have always doubted whether he was really a Christian or not, because he went to a secular university for his education, where they taught him evolution. But he claimed to believe in creationism, and so I hoped the university hadn’t tainted his mind too bad and he wouldn’t give me any evolution malarkey.
When I asked him about the mud skipper, he confirmed it was real. But when I asked him if other fish could also walk on land, he said they couldn’t. It just goes to show you, I guess, that even Christian scientists who believe in creationism don’t know everything. Those pagan universities really mess people up.
By my reasoning, if one fish can climb out of the water and walk on land, others could too. That is the way God’s creation works. And if scientists didn’t think other fish could do this, this is just because they haven’t discovered it yet. After all, scientists used to think that the earth was flat. Eventually, I am certain that scientists will discover that all fish can climb out of the water and walk on land, just like the mud skipper. The reason it hasn’t been discovered yet is because the fish are good at hiding behind the rocks and trees, just like it said in that magazine article.
My logic was flawless. I now knew that I did not have to buy fish from the pet store, or go down to the rivers, lakes, and streams to get fish. All I had to do was lure (that is a fancy fishing word I learned while reading the magazine) the fish out from behind the rocks and trees, and into my swimming pool. And the fact that science hadn’t discovered this yet means that once I figure out how to lure the fish out, I could write books about it, and maybe become as famous as Christopher Columbus who discovered that the earth was round!
This just goes to show you that God blesses those who work hard and use their brains. Early tomorrow morning I would set my intellect to work at figuring out how to lure fish into my swimming pool.