In a previous post I introduced the idea that in some ways, church can be worse than porn. The reason is that while porn causes people to feel inadequate with their sex life, many churches cause people to feel inadequate about their spiritual life. Both are presenting a fantasy that does not match reality. Today, (with a head nod to Jeff Foxworthy) I want to present some signs that you might be in a fantasy church.
5 Signs you might be in a fantasy church
1. If everybody in your church seems happy, fulfilled, and satisfied all the time … you might be in a fantasy church. (Did you ever sing that “Happy, happy, happy all the time” song in Sunday school? Yeeeaaah …. nobody is truly happy, happy, happy all the time.)
2. If you are in a church where everybody seems to have devotions every day, their prayers are always answered in miraculous ways, and everybody seems to be talking about God all the time … you might be in a fantasy church.
3. If during the greeting time, someone asks you how you are doing, and when you answer “Terrible” they smile, nod their head, and say, “That’s nice,” … you might be in a fantasy church. (This actually happened to my wife!)
4. If you are in a church where people never seem to sin, have fights with their spouse, get speeding tickets, have trouble with lust or alcohol, or have questions and doubts about what the pastor preaches … you might be in a fantasy church.
5. If all you ever hear from the pulpit is how great it is to be a Christian, and how God will supply all your needs and take care of every problem … you might be in a fantasy church.
(If you can think of others, please post them in the comments below!)
If you find yourself in a fantasy church, beware!
Trying to be real and authentic in such a place will only get you hurt more deeply. The best thing a person can do who finds themselves in a fantasy church is to leave quietly and find a group of people with whom they can be authentic, open, and honest (even if they are not all Christians!).
One of favorite Christian music groups, Casting Crowns, has experienced this also, and sings about it in their song “Stained Glass Masquerade”:
I find the hardest part is attempting to BE authentic, open, and honest yourself to test this. 🙂
You have some good lessons, Jeremy – and your wife is pretty cool. I enjoy your blog.
Missy,
Yeah, I actually would not recommend trying to be authentic in most churches. I would only try it if they proclaim that they value authenticity, and then, “experiment” on the pastor or in a small group. Open up with the pastor or in the small group and see what happens. If they judge, criticize, condemn, and cast you out, you know their claim to authenticity was a marketing ploy. If instead, you are loved, accepted, welcomed and helped, you may have found a genuinely authentic body of believers. If so, stick close to that group!
I have to say I feel we should be authentic in church. But I will also say that I struggle too. My family experienced an aweful church split at a church we were very involved with that shock our faith. But then after having left that church we’ve really had a hard time finding a new church home. If I haven’t felt welcomed enough to be authentic we continue to look. At the time we still had a close group from the church that had split and we all gathered for fellowship. But then we moved to utah and have been juggling between finding a place we “belong” or just settling for any church that at least shares our values regardless of relationship.
Natasha, I would say… “Don’t rush it.” For now, just be content to be with Jesus. Learn to see what he is showing you among your friends, neighbors, and coworkers for how you can show His love to them. Instead of looking for a church to attend, start looking for ways to be the hands, feet, and voice of Jesus to people who are already in your life. When you do this, “church” will find you.
Jeremy,
I think the next topic you need to talk about that’s going on in churches is “cliques”. I’m totally against them and feel most women tend to forget that we as women of God need to reach out to each other. Step outside our comfort zone because there are a lot of women out there that NEED to be around other women. I think being in a “clique” and only having fellowship with women in your “clique” and shutting out others is totally not what God wants us to do as women of God. I think he wants us to reach out to each other. I feel my church really struggles with “cliques” and I feel the Lord wants that to change. I don’t have the tools on how to go about this in opening the eyes of many women in my church. Please do you have any insight on this topic?
Sara,
I just want you to know that I experienced the same thing at a church that we attended for 12 years. It felt like being in junior high all over again. I never did make any friends there and when we left, no one even called to ask us what happened to us. I guess we weren’t missed!
We probably shouldn’t have stayed so long but we were brand new Christians and didn’t know it should be different. I just kept trying harder and harder to “measure up”. I was pretty depressed and unhappy the last couple years we were there.
Yes it a BIG problem in a lot of churches and it’s not right!! I was never one for “cliques” and I could care less what others think of me. It only matters what my Abba Father thinks of me. I just see it a lot and have experienced and still experiencing it my self. I feel the Lord has put it on my heart to speak against it and open others eyes to it in a Godly way. I pray God would bring some Godly women into your life and others going through the same thing. God bless you!!
Wow. That would be quite the topic. These do exist! Both I and my wife struggle with these cliques.
I honestly don’t think there are any tools to help others open their eyes about the clicks they are in. We just have to trust the Holy Spirit to do that. He has opened your eyes, so the best thing you can do is to use this new insight to look for others in your group (or newcomers) who might be getting “left out” and then seek to welcome them and build relationships with them.
Thanks, Jeremy, I have found it twice and I plan to stick close to both (we moved). After the encouragement I got at the first church, I made a commitment to just be open – regardless of the consequences, and it paid off. I actually recommend trying authenticity whether you think it will be recieved well or not. While we wait for the “right” crowd, a lot of hurting people fall through the cracks. Unfortunately there seems to be a large mission field right in our very congregations.
God bless you, brother.
Missy
Missy,
Wow. You are braver than I! But you are right. Authenticity is worth it, even if you get stung a few times. Thanks for the challenge.
I agree with Missy! It’s got to start with someone, and with the courage to be vulnerable. Yes, you could get hurt, but that’s only taking the same risk Jesus took. Also, in leading the way, you are not only showing people what it means to be transparent, you’re demonstrating it’s a two-way street: I can be real, and others can safely be real with me.
But, agreeing with Jeremy, not everyone can afford this risk, because safety is just so critical in some cases, and some people are too fragile at the moment to endure more hurt. For my part, I feel hurting others – rejecting, not listening, blaming – is worse for me than being on the receiving end, only because I now know Jesus is using this pain to refine me. But woe to me if others come by this type of pain from me!
Once again, Jeremy, you are on holy ground. Thanks for bringing it.
Great input, Steve. I don’t know about being on holy ground, though! ha.
It is difficult to open up and be honest with others, knowing that we may be hurt again. I have trouble doing this myself, and usually don’t, unless I have opened up a person before and they have shown care and concern. Once I see a person is safe, I might open up more. But these relationships take time to build.
Thanks for this post. Fantasy Churches abound…bc ppl love to live in a fantasy world. But the ones who have found their identity in Christ are not afraid to be real. They are NOT afraid of what others think. It is so liberating. We will never find authenticity until we leave off all our man-made versions of CHURCH.
Yep! It is just so difficult to discern man-made version of church from what God is doing in the world. Almost nobody thinks they participate in a man-made church.
Very good…!!!
One thing I noticed when reading the gospels. Jesus seemed to be more comfortable with the drunkards, prostitutes, etc. In reality, I myself find it so nice to be in church, yet, easier to be myself around people who drink, have problems, and are open about it all.
So true! I am the same. Masks go up in church, but seem to disappear around those who are struggling in life (just like me).
I hate #3 for that reason! Everyone put on a plastic face and play nice nice! however, God is GOOD all the time. So I guess i disagree with 5
Yes, God is good all the time. But what #5 was talking about is how pastors and sermons rarely paint an honest picture of how difficult life with God can be. Instead, many sermons paint a rosy picture of how great life is with God all the time. But although God is good all the time, life with Him can get downright difficult.
Point 2 = I never been to this kind of church… it is kind of strange to hear the prayers ALWAYS answered…. hmmmm…that is not right, I guess.. but if everybody seems to be talking about God, I think it is a good sign, isnt it? it shows how much their loves God?
point 3 =hmmmmm, maybe they did not know what to say to comfort people who are really open the first time?
Point 5 = It is really great to be a Christian. It is not easy, but, God really supply all my needs, and take care of every problem… and of course if I ask.. and of course, the answer is not what is in my mind…. so, sometime I misunderstood Him.. but,,,, and the end, when I understand how He take care of my problem… I know Him better than before.
God is a provider.. that is who He is… so God really supply all our need.. but we can not see it.. because our value is not the same as His…:)
5. If all you ever hear from the pulpit is how great it is to be a Christian, and how God will supply all your needs and take care of every problem … you might be in a fantasy church.
Some of the points might have been stated with a little exaggeration, but the point is nevertheless clear. Life is tough, and following Jesus is tough, and we do everyone a disservice if we paint the Christian life as nothing but soda pop and tootsie rolls.
Thanks Jeremy, shared, there´s a lot of truth here. Question is, how do we be the living, lively Church and avoid the fancy, phoney, fake la-de-dah of the ‘fantasy Church’?
Nathan, Good practical question. I cannot speak for others, but for me, it starts with being honest with God. I think sometimes we try to fake our spirituality even with God. He is not impressed. As I work on that, I find that He seems to bring people into my life who ask the hard questions, and who open up to me with their own struggles. I don’t “try to be authentic.” (If you’re trying … is it really authentic?)
Aye, there’s a lot of truth in that.