Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

Although I had discovered that all fish can climb out of the water and hide behind rocks and trees, I now had to figure out how to lure them away from the rocks and trees so they climb into my swimming pool.

At first, it was difficult for me to think of ways to attract them. One of these days I will have to learn to think like a fish. I had read about that in one of the magazines, and had dog-eared the page so I could read it later. But for now, I was pretty confident in my own skills to find the solution to my fishing problem.

The solution did not take long. First, I asked myself why I did not know how fish thought. The answer to this question was that I was not a fish. I am glad that God did not make me a fish. Fish are slimy and gross. And they die easily. I still cannot believe that all those fish I bought from the pet store died in my pool. They were starting to stink too. I left them in there so they could be food for the other fish that climbed in there. Fish were like that. They feed on each other. It just goes to show you how depraved they are.

Anyway, it was when I realized that I was not a fish that I found my answer. The reason I did not understand fish was not just because I was not a fish, but because fish lived in a whole different environment than I did. I lived in the air. They lived in the water. I read books and magazines. They just swam around doing fish things like reproducing and eating. In a way, fish are from another world.

I am not saying fish are aliens, for we all know that God didn’t create any aliens anywhere else in the universe, or else he would have told us so in the Bible. But since humans live on ground and fish live in water, it is kind of like fish are from a different world.

That is how it dawned on me. When I was younger, I watched the movie E.T., and in it, the little boy lured an alien into his room by laying out a line of Reese’s Pieces. I don’t think they sell Reese’s Pieces anymore, and I don’t know if fish like them. But I did know from reading my magazines that fish like worms, flies, and grasshoppers.

So to lure the fish out from behind the rocks and trees, all I had to do was put out a line of worms, flies, and grasshoppers, leading from behind each rock and tree in my yard, and into the pool.

The problem with this solution was that I didn’t have any worms, flies, or grasshoppers. Also, I wasn’t sure how to get any. I had noticed that flies had begun to buzz around my swimming pool due to the rotting fish, but there was no way of getting these flies to stand in a line from the rocks and trees up to my pool.

This minor setback was not too much of a problem for me. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I decided that the flies around my pool were actually helpful. All I had to do was tell the fish that there flies at my pool, and whole schools of fish would show up. Clearly, if I told the fish that my pool was full of water and had lots of flies buzzing around, they would leave their hiding places and come to the pool. Everything a fish wants was already at my pool, and all I had to do was invite them!

[Read more…]

Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

On the day after my trip to the pet store, I went out to my pool to see how my fish were doing. Every single one of them was dead.

It figures. Now I know why the store manager and that punk kid of his were laughing at me as I left. The fish they sold me were all sick! The crooks. I really should report them to the police. But I knew when to forgive and forget, and didn’t God say, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay”? I would let God deal with them by sending them to burn forever in the pit of hell. That would be worse than sending them to prison where they might reform their lives and find Jesus. Yes, it was better to just let them continue in their sin. Besides, I had already warned the kid that he was headed for hell. His blood would not be on my head as he burned for all eternity.

But what was I going to do about fish? I couldn’t go buy more. My wife was already upset at how much I had spent on the boat, the fishing gear, the pool, and the fish. I couldn’t spend more money right now. I had to find some free fish to put in my pool so I could begin catching them.

But where? Where could I find free fish?

I guess it was time to start reading some of those fishing magazines. I pulled a few out and started thumbing through them, looking for articles about where to find fish. And wouldn’t you know it, there were several articles on this very topic! One article in particular was very helpful, stating that fish liked to hide under logs, behind rocks, and in the weeds. I had some of these right in my yard. Could it be possible that fish were hiding right in my backyard?

I didn’t quite understand how this could be. Didn’t fish live in water? How could they hide behind rocks and trees? Clearly, there was something I was missing.

So I decided to put my superior research skills to use in finding a solution to this problem. The answer did not take long. That is what happens when you have an intellect like mine.

I searched Google for “fish on land” and learned that scientists have discovered a fish that climbs out of the water and walks around on land. They call it a “mud skipper.”

[Read more…]

Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

It was true what my neighbor said. When I looked through the magazines, all the pictures showed boats in rivers and lakes. But I had no intention of going fishing on a river or lake. I was kind of scared of water, and had used a pool because it was safer. If something happened, I could just jump out. Jumping out of a boat was not possible in a lake or river.

And fish could live in a pool, couldn’t they? Why not? Water is water, right? Why couldn’t I just go buy some fish, put them in my pool, and then fish for them?

Sure, it would defeat the purpose of catching all the free fish I could eat, because I would have to buy the fish before I caught them, but technically, if I bought them and set them free in my pool, and then caught them again, they were free fish. This is especially true if they reproduced in the pool! If they reproduced, I could keep my boat safely in the pool and still catch all the free fish I wanted.

The plan was genius. This was just another reason I was going to be a world-famous fisherman. Probably no one had ever thought of this before. Imagine the magazine articles that will be written about how I revolutionized the fishing strategies of fishermen everywhere! But first I needed to prove that my idea worked.

I went down to the pet store and asked to buy fish. The pimple-faced teenager behind the counter wanted to know what kind.

“One of each,” I told him. “I’m a fisherman, and want to have experience catching all different kinds of fish.”

“Some of them are kind of expensive. Are you sure you want one of each?”

He clearly didn’t believe I was serious about fishing.

[Read more…]

Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at world evangelism.

We men know how to fish. It’s in our blood. It’s instinctive. I’m like a king fisher, out here…fishing. I could give lessons on fishing. I could start a fishing club. Maybe someday I will. Once I become famous for my fishing prowess, fisherman from all over the world will come to me wanting to learn how to fish.

I wasn’t a pro when I started. I made some mistakes. But I learned from them. Experience is the best teacher, after all. And now I am a professional. I am going to start catching lots of fish now.

“Hey there neighbor!”

Great. My pesky, know-it-all neighbor thinks he’s so smart. Yesterday, he told me that in order to catch fish, I had to put my boat in the water. Like I didn’t know that. But today I had nothing to fear: I had my boat in the water.  I proudly pointed out this fact to him. “Look! I’ve got my boat in the water!”

“Yes. Yes, you do.” The words came slowly out of his mouth. What a dimwit. “And, uh, you bought a pool too, I see.”

Why is this guy always criticizing me about how much money I spend? I’m the one trying to catch fish, and fishing is expensive. Besides, it was his idea to put the boat in the water.

“Well, duh!” I tried to say it nicely, but it’s hard to be nice to someone who always puts you down. “I had to put the boat in the water, and this was the best way to do it.”

“Hmmm…” He was clearly trying to decide what to say next.

Maybe I should ask him to help pay for my pool, since it was his idea. If he did, I suppose I could give him a fish or two when I caught them. No. They were my fish. Then it hit me. “Hey, you want to get in? You can fish with me!”

“No. I don’t think we’ll catch any fish out of your pool.” He spoke cautiously, as though he was wary of my crushing intellect.

I laughed. “Yesterday you say I need to put my boat in the water, and today you say I don’t. You need to be more consistent. This is why you lost your wife.” I probably shouldn’t have said that last part. But it was true. If he treated his wife the way he treated me, it is no wonder they split up. Sometimes, people just need to be told the truth. And besides, I said it with love. You can say things like that if you say it with love.

[Read more…]

Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at world evangelism.

I want to become the world’s greatest fisherman. I want people to talk about the great number of fish I caught, and the size of the monsters I pulled from lakes and rivers all over the world. I want to be interviewed in fishing magazines, be a guest on fishing shows, and get invited to speak at fishing conferences. I dream of the day that fishing methods get named after me and people interview me for their books about fishing.

The only problem with achieving this dream is that so far, I haven’t done any fishing.

So recently, I decided to get started.

But one cannot go out and just start fishing. One must prepare. Proper preparation is the key to fishing. A well-prepared fisherman is a successful fisherman. You can quote me on that.

So, I went to the local fishing store, and bought everything I thought I needed. I bought lures, flies, two poles, some fishing line, a creel, and a pair of needle-nosed pliers to remove the hooks from all the fish I was going to catch. I even splurged and bought myself a boat. After all, if you’re going to fish, you should do it in style.

Never having fished before, I also knew that I needed to learn about fishing. If a well-prepared fisherman is successful, a teachable fisherman is even more successful. So I bought a few fishing magazines which looked like they could teach me something. However, being as humble and intelligent as I am, I knew that it would be foolish to actually read these magazines until I discovered what I needed to know about fishing. There was no sense learning about how to fish until I had learned the right questions to ask. And besides, I was pretty sure I could figure out this whole fishing thing on my own. I mean, how hard could it be? Besides, I had heard rumors of people who spent all their time reading about fishing, and never actually got around to fishing. That wasn’t going to be me. So I put the fishing magazines in the boat with all of my other fishing gear. This way, if I ran into any problems while I was fishing, I could pull out a magazine and look for a solution.

The next day, once everything was set, I packed myself a lunch, and climbed into the boat.

[Read more…]