John Eldredge and his wife have recently written some books which state that while men want to be warriors and need to know they are strong and wild, women need to know that they are beautiful: Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
I think this is true, but sometimes, especially in our culture, we have problems defining “strength” for boys and “beauty” for girls.
Which is partly why I was excited to learn about a campaign by Dove to help girls in our culture understand true beauty.
These following videos should be watched by every man, brother, husband, and father.
Those women on the billboards? Not real. The women in the magazines? Fake and photoshopped. Your wife, your daughter, and your sister? The most genuinely beautiful women in the world. Have you told her?
This following video shows us what the females in our life are up against.
And one more…
So here is the question: How can we tell our wives and daughters they are “pretty” without encouraging them to follow the worldly definition of beauty?
In discussing this with my wife, here are some of her suggestions:
1. Love is more than words. It’s a cliche because it’s true. Don’t just tell your wife and daughters they are beautiful. Show them with hugs, kisses, holding hands, taking them on dates. If all you do is tell the women in your life they are beautiful, but never show them, they won’t believe you.
2. Affirm them in ways not related to beauty. Women, even though they strive to be beautiful, want to be more than just pretty. They want to be valued and know that they are contributing. Being pretty helps them feel valued. This seems to work in reverse. Since they feel valued when they know they are pretty, if you help them to feel valued, they will also feel pretty. So find what your wife and daughters like to do, and constantly affirm them in it.
3. Sometimes, a hobby or interest outside of self-beatification can help. Girls who love horses rarely spend lots of time brushing their own hair, but with brushing their horse. Girls who love art spend less time painting themselves than their canvas. Mothers are the prime examples. Good mothers are consumed with caring for their children and rarely have much time to spend on themselves. This is not to say that horse lovers, artists, and mothers are not beautiful! To the contrary, they are often the most beautiful. Why? Because self-focused attention creates fake beauty, while an outward focus allows true inner beauty to blossom and flourish.
If you have other suggestions on what true beauty is and how to help the women in our lives feel lovely, please post them in the comments section for others to read.
I can’t see the videos because my Flash Player is messed up. So forgive me if I repeat something that’s already in the video.
Respectfully, giving hugs and kisses, showing that they’re valued, and taking an interest in what they do, I feel, is a psychological tactic with a Christian spin. It is focused on how the individual FEELS and how they view themselves when it shouldn’t be about us at all, but Jesus!!!
Nowhere is self-esteem taught in the Bible but quite the opposite – to be meek, humble, not of this world etc. God is not against beauty – in fact the whole world testifies to the beauty He has made. But when it comes to us, TRUE beauty, LASTING beauty, RELEVANT beauty is from the inside and reflects Christ, not ourselves.
What is true beauty?….
Virtue: Prov. 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous woman? for herdprice is far above rubies.” This means to be morally excellent which is an excellent quality.
Loyalty: Prov. 31:11-12 “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.”
Caretaker of the family: Prov 31:13-16 “She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.”
Stength: Prov 31:17 “She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneneth her arms.”
She is ministering: Prov 31:18-30 “She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.” She is not self-serving – she remembers the poor.
She has wisdom: Prov 31:26 “She openeth her mouth with wisdom…” To use and apply knowledge rightly.
Kindness: Prov 31:26 “…and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”
Fear God: Prov 31:30 “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that fereth the Lord, she shall be praised.”
Submission: Eph 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” (also Col. 3:18)
Modest in dress: She hides the form of her body. Her clothes fully cover her nakedness. She does not dress in the attire of a harlot as mentioned in Prov. 7:10.
A few more are good works, charity, faith, being sober, loves her children, discreet, modest hair and jewelry, keeper of the home, meek spirited, and quiet spirit. This is the true, Biblical defintion of beauty when it comes to women. These are the things we should be impressing upon women, not the world’s definition of beauty. When we do all of these things, we are reflecting Jesus. It’s not about us, but Jesus!
Blessings,
Carol
We all have a propensity towards pride and anything can trigger it. Unfortunately Christians also fall victim to this.
My intent was to point away from ourselves and towards Christ as evidenced by the many Scriptures. But there’s more – who do we want to be beautiful FOR? Man or Christ? Those verses gives us a model in which if we follow, we are beautiful in Christ’s eyes. If a woman is following the Biblical model of this, then she will not be full of pride because then she wouldn’t be following the Bible model. She would cancel out herself so that is not possible.
Since you brought it up, I do not think Christian Rock edifies God at all. I also don’t believe in mixing entertainment (worldly, flesh) with Christ (spiritual). So Christian literature, Christian art, and many others are not edifying to God at all. You may disagree but I know this to be true. And no I don’t think I’m better than anyone – in fact quite the opposite! I scrutinize myself much more harshly than anyone else – I know what I am.
About spiritual gifts – if anyone looks down on another person because they have a specific gift, then they are arrogant, prideful, and not pleasing to God. A Christian should NEVER possess that attitude towards anyone. And yes we are to esteem others over ourselves but that does not mean to give them a positive self-image or make them feel better about themselves. (which is the same meaning of self-esteem only redirected) It is to show agape love, don’t do anything that would make a weaker brother stumble, be mindful if they are of weaker faith.
This is a huge topic and there’s much more to say. I don’t think we disagree really – I just think you may have misunderstood me. I never advocated looking down on someone. I also think you may have missed what I was saying – I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I’d type more but I’m watching some show about the Antichrist that the History channel has made a joke of. Be back soon.
Blessings,
Carol
Carol,
Thanks for the comment. The videos were put out by Dove, and so they definitely are not focused on centering our lives on who we are in Christ.
I do appreciate your comments about Christ-esteem vs. self-esteem, and see a lot of value in the argument for Christ-esteem instead of self-esteem. I have been mulling over this distinction for nearly a decade now, and have read many of the books by Jay Adams, the Bobgans, Dave Hunt, and John MacArthur related to this issue.
The problem is that “Christ-esteem” seems to be little more than “self-esteem” with a Christian twist – like “Christian rock music” and “Christian literature” and “Christian art.” From what I can tell, those who hold to “Christ-esteem” instead of “self-esteem” make some valid points, but are still guilty of many of the things they accuse the “secular self-esteem” proponents to be guilty of.
Take feelings for example. “Christ-esteem” proponents often criticize “self-esteem” proponents of basing one’s opinion of themself on feelings. But this isn’t quite true. Feelings result from how a person views him or herself. “Christ-esteem” people still have feelings about themselves, but base them not on worldly standards, but Biblical truth. This is commendable.
But then things go downhill. The “Christ-esteem” people end up thinking they are better than the “self-esteem” people becuase they have a better standard of esteem. In other words, they become proud and arrogant about their standard. One way they develop “Christ-esteem” is by feeling better about themselves because they don’t have that lowly “self-esteem.” But of course, this is self-esteem.
And ultimatley, whether we are talking about “self-esteem” or “Christ-esteem” it all comes back to “me, myself, and I.” “Christ-esteem” proponents are forever talking about how “I am a sinner” and “Chirst died for me” and “though I don’t deserve it, God gave grace to me so I can be redeemed and forgiven” and how “He gave me gifts so I can use these gifts to bring glory to Him.” This is all true, but look how much of it is about “me” and “I.” All of this is self-esteem in a Christian lingo which helps Christians feel better about themselves.
In Phil 2:3, Paul talks about esteem, and tells us to esteem others as better than ourselves. To put it in other words, he is saying, have more “other-esteem” than “self-esteem.” This, I think, is the trick to it all. Think of others more than yourself. So “Christ-esteem” is nearly as bad as “self-esteem” if we use it to look down on others and think that we are more important, more spiritual, smarter, more gifted, etc., than others.
So how can we make the girls in our society more “beautiful?” You pointed it out quite well: Help them think of others before themselves-her husband, her children, her community. That’s what Prov 31 is talking about.
So personally, I guess I’m just not that concerned about whether we talk about “Christ-esteem” or “self-esteem” since both can lead to pride, which is esteeming self as better or wiser than others.
I’m not saying all proponents of “Christ-esteem” are this way. It looks like you, Carol, are pretty balanced and fair. I read some of your blog posts, and like a lot of what you say. Keep up the good work!
Well, this comment is already WAY too long…thanks for weighing in.
Jeremy
Carol,
Thanks for the clarification. Yes, I think we may be saying the same thing regarding the standard of beauty and how to define it and find it.
You are also absolutely right about our propensity toward pride. It is probably my number 1 struggle.
I don’t think we see eye-to-eye on Christian rock, art, and literature. In fact, we may be polar opposites on that issue! Ha ha. I personally think that “secular” art, music, and literature can be just as glorifying to God as “Christian” art, music, and literature. Personally, I know that certain secular songs and movies and pieces of art have taught me more about God and pointed me to Chirst than most Christian songs, movies, literature, and art. But that’s a subject for a different post.
That History Channel show sounds interesting…
Jeremy
Jeremy, I just read half but I love this…;)!!
Thanks Sofia,
It really is terrible what the media (and really all of us) put on women regarding the definition of beauty.