I have never been fond of accountability groups. I have been a part of several over the course of my life as a pastor, church member, and seminary student. I always felt like there was something… manipulative about them.
Accountability Groups I Have Been In
Here is my sense of every accountability group I have ever been in: they pretty much only force people to become liars. Oh sure, maybe the specific sin that the group meets together about is discussed and out in the open, but most often, the other sins are kept hidden and safely locked away. Furthermore, what happens most often in accountability groups is that if a person doesn’t want to talk about his sin, all the accountability group does is make him feel more guilty about it, which then makes him fall into the sin even more.
I was in one accountability group where we were dealing with issues of sexual temptation. The group lasted about two years, and we all did pretty good admitting our failures and praying for and encouraging one another. The group fell apart when one of the members got arrested and sent to prison for molesting a young girl. In the two years we met, he never said a word about any such struggle, temptation, or risk he was facing in this area. Not one word.
I was part of a different group a while back, and I recently learned that one of the men in the group is facing the possibility of divorce because of an addiction to pornography which he hid all those years.
I am not judging or condemning these men. What I am saying is that accountability groups don’t “work.” Some people will swear that accountability groups do work, and that every person should be part of one, but I’m just not so sure….
While counseling and accountability groups might be temporarily helpful for some, they do not result in lasting success for the vast majority of people who participate in them.
What Accountability Groups Focus On
Accountability groups usually focus on guilt and peer pressure to modify behavior. There are other behavioral management techniques that are sometimes used as well, but for the most part, there is very little about an accountability group that is overtly “Christians.” Oh sure, the accountability group might pray and talk about the Bible, but in general, there is very little difference between a Christian accountability group and any other form of behavioral management group. And usually what is discovered in these groups is that even IF a person is able to modify one behavior or overcome one addiction, they often fall into some other sort of destructive behavior or addiction, which often makes their overall condition worse than it was before.
When Accountability groups do work, it is often not due to the accountability group itself, or what it is doing, but because the person who experiences “success” stumbled upon some the truly biblical and Christian ways of dealing with sin (which I will explain below).
Here is the main problem though with accountability groups: They cause us to focus on our sin. And as any psychologist will tell you, the more you focus on something, even if it is focusing on trying not to do something, the harder it is to not do what you are focusing on.
Take the classic example of the “Do Not Touch – Wet Paint” sign. People usually feel no desire to touch walls and railings in public places… .until you put up a sign which says, “Do not touch! Wet Paint!” Then every person walking along the wall feels the strong urge to touch the wall and see if the paint is wet.
So also with our sin. When we walk around all day thinking, “Do not look; do no taste; do not touch” (Col 2:21), we will constantly struggle with urge to look, taste, and touch. This is essentially what Paul is saying in Romans 8:5-7 when he talks about the mind set on fleshly things. If we set our mind on things of the flesh, even if we are setting our mind on not doing things of the flesh, we will face the constant struggle of falling into fleshly things, and will frequently stumble. And then when we do stumble, we often feel so guilty for our failure, that we think to ourselves, “Well, I’am already sinning, I might as well make the most of it. And we plunge headlong into the sin and gorge our fleshly inclinations. I mean, if we have to ask God for forgiveness anyway, we might as well make it count, right?
So this ongoing struggle continues. We try and try and try to not sin. We walk around repeating the mantra to ourselves over and over. “Do not look. Do not taste. Do not touch.” Then we do look, or we do taste, or we do touch, and once we do, we feel so guilty, we can’t face God, we feel like death, and so we decide to just enjoy the sin while we’re in it, but that only makes things worse on us in the long run, until eventually, we feel so filthy and disgusting, and get so angry at ourselves for the way we behaved, we come slinking back to God, begging and crying for forgiveness, and we confess our sin to our accountability group, and they forgive us, and tell us to try harder. And we commit to trying harder.
And for some people, it actually works! But this is the biggest trap of all!
The Biggest Trap of Accountability Groups
Let me be honest. Accountability groups actually “work” for some people. Those who have the most resolve, the greatest discipline, the highest amount of self-control. They can make accountability groups work. And they have all the secrets on how they changed their life and live free from sin. They write the books and preach the sermons and lead the groups. And week after week after week, they announce “success” to their accountability group, and everyone else looks up to them and thinks, “Someday, somehow, I will be just like him — free from sin and temptation.”
Do you see what happens when someone is successful in an accountability group? It turns into self-righteous pride for him, and idolatry for everyone else. The successful person become self-righteous about his success (which is by far the worst sin of all), and often looks down on all the pitiful failures who just cannot gather together the resolve to keep themselves free from sin. Everybody else ends up feeling like more of a failure, because obviously, the accountability group works for some people, and it must be their own weakness, or lack of spirituality, or little faith, or failure to read their Bible and pray enough, or whatever it might be to grant the success that others experience.
This is why accountability groups don’t work, even when they “work.”
So what is the Alternative to Accountability Groups?
You know what the alternative is to accountability groups?
It is one word: love.
We don’t need accountability groups to defeat sin in our lives. We just need to know that sin is already defeated because of God’s love.
We don’ t need to strengthen our resolve. We just need to recognize that no matter what — yes, NO MATTER WHAT — God loves us. He cannot love us any more. God doesn’t wait for us to fix our lives before He loves us. He loved us while we were still sinners (Rom 5:8). And it is not as if God loved us while we were sinners, but once we believe in Jesus to become His children, He only loves us while we remain free from sin. No! He loves us NO MATTER WHAT!
God does not love some future version of you more than how much He loves you right now. It is not as if God is saying, “Well, I love you about 90% of the time right now, and if you would just stop drinking too much, I would love you 91%.” No! He loves you 100% right now. Whether you sin or not. W
Let me put this dangerously. If we are talking about when God loves us more, it may be most accurate to say that God loves us more when we sin. I don’t mean by this that we should go out and sin more so that God can love us more. No, what I mean is that when we recognize we are sinners, and take that sin to God, it is there, in the midst of our sin, that God can show His love to us. You see, when we get caught up in our own self-righteousness, we think we have earned God’s love. We think that the love God is showing us is because of our own goodness.
But God doesn’t love us because of our goodness. He loves us simply because He is love (1 John 4:8).
Here is a little exercise I have found to helpful when dealing with sinful tendencies in my own life. When you are facing temptation, and especially when you fall to the temptation and find yourself in the midst of sin, try this: invite God into the sin with you.
I know, I know. This sounds totally contrary to everything church teaches us about God and sin. God can’t be near sin and all that. That’s garbage. As I’ve written previously, the reason God cannot be in the presence of sin is because sin burns away in the raging fire of His love, grace, and forgiveness. So when you are sinning, invite God into it. Here is the type of conversation I have:
“Whoa! How did I get involved in this! Uh-oh. This isn’t good. Hey God! Are you seeing this?”
Yes, Jeremy. I see what’s going on here.
“Sorry about this.”
It’s all right. I still love you.
“You do? Don’t you see the filth I just walked into?”
Yep. I see it. I’m here in it with you. I’m not going to abandon you to this sin. I love you and will never leave you.
“Wow.”
Yeah…. You know, it’s kind of silly how you ended up here. Did you see the steps you took to get here?
“I saw it. I’ve been down this road a thousand times. I knew what was coming, but I just didn’t care. I’ll be honest, though, I kind of wanted to go down this road.”
I know. And I’ll walk this road a thousand times more if you want. I do appreciate the honesty, though. Always before, you denied any knowledge of how you ended up sinning. At least now you are beginning to recognize it and admit what happened, and talk to Me about it. I like that.
“I like that too. Thanks. And hey, I’m sorry.”
I forgive you. I have already forgiven you. And I love you.
You see? All God really wants is to let us know how much He loves us. And this love of God is the one and only thing that will EVER help us gain freedom and victory over sin. It is only when we see how much God loves us that we can invite Him into that sinful space with us, so that He can work within and inside the sin, to show us that His love is greater than any satisfaction or enjoyment we could get from sin. But until we see how much God loves us, we will be to scared of God and of our sin to take our sin to God and have an honest conversation with Him about it.
And look what else is happening. Rather than focusing our mind on things of the flesh, we are focusing our mind on the things of the Spirit, and especially the main truth of the Spirit-filled life, that God loves us and is on our side.
When we focus on sin and trying to overcome sin, it only results in more sin. Never less. Sure, we may gain “victory” over some type of sin, but all we really end up doing is trading one sin for another, and usually the other sin is some sort of religious self-righteousness, which is worse than the sin we started with.
Don’t Turn to an Accountability Group; Turn to God
So when you sin, don’t become guilt-ridden. Don’t beg and plead to God for forgiveness and promise to try harder next time. Don’t make resolves and promises you can’t keep, and even if you can keep them, will only result in self-righteous pride.
And whether you have an accountability group or not, don’t depend on other people to keep you free from sin. You can’t do it, and neither can they! Instead, when you sin, just take it to God. Seriously. Just talk to God about it, and thank Him for His unconditional love and limitless grace.
Until we begin to understand God’s love for us, sin will always cause us to run from God, hide from Him, and keep Him at bay. He doesn’t like this, and neither do we, for it only leads to greater separation from Him, and more sin.
The point of life in Jesus is not to sin less, but to grow in intimacy with God. And the close we get to God, the less likely it is that we will sin, not because we have developed some great inner resolve, but because we will learn that life with God is better than anything that sin and the world can offer. When we allow God into our struggles with us, we are still growing in intimacy with God, even in the midst of our struggles! It is a beautiful, gracious process, so that, in a way, even our sin is redeemed! It is a crazy thing when sin helps push you deeper into the loving and forgiving arms of God.
Good post! Having been in an accountability group and seen it at Wesley Theological Seminary, when I was there for a while, I can attest to how tricky it is. Wesely was largely responsible for bringing it into practice, though it was thought up by pietist like Spener and Arndt. Wesley was so concerned about holiness that he had a standard that most of us today would be hard pressed to even maintain for a week, nevermind years or decades. Some great points and thanks for sharing!
Wow this is great. I was just considering an accountability partner, but I had a check in my Spirit. What do you think of James 5:16? That’s totally different than an accountability partner right? I would strongly recommend Jonathan Welton’s book “Eyes of Honor.” It deals with this subject really well.
Yes, I believe what James is saying here is to confess your sins to each other to mend your relationship with that person and to be honest with that person. For example, if I lied to you about something, I should come to you and confess that I lied. Hopefully you will be able to forgive me. This is also not something that is needed for salvation as we are already forgiven for ALL our sins, even those sins we have yet to commit. This is also why I don’t believe it is necessary to ask God for forgiveness when you sin after your salvation. That would be like saying “I know Christ died on the cross for my sins, but that might not have been enough so I am asking for your forgiveness again”. I definitely think it is good to talk to God about your sin and tell him that you are sorry, but forgiveness is already given to you, for the rest of your life. Just sayin
1 John 1:9″ If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness”. If we confess, is a required call to action when we sin as well as, is faithful, is a verb in the present tense not past tense…
Very well said. If more of us invited God into our faults, shortcomings and temptations, instead of allowing guilt, fear and condemnation to cause us to run away from God, we would all be better off. Embrace God’s love no matter where we are.
Right. I heard a sermon this week in which the pastor noticed that the beginning of Eve’s problem in the garden was that rather than talk about the temptation with God (who was always in the garden), she talked about it with the serpent. God wants to talk to us about our sin.
Man. I really like this and believe it! It ccertainly has been my personal experience.
Thanks, Glenn. Glad I am not alone in my experience. I thought maybe I would be the only one who had experienced accountability groups this way.
Based on reports from people I’ve known who’ve been part of accountability groups, apparently sexual accountability is a very common topic, and salacious details/confessions of sexual improprieties are often the highlight of the groups. As one former pastor told me, these groups aren’t the sensation they once were because in his words “you can find juicier stories on the internet these days”. He seemed to think that whether it be sexual sin or other sin, that such groups “bring out the voyeur in people”. I do not have a personal interest in being part of such a group, but wonder if that fellow’s observation is accurate. What are your observations?
Yes, I can see that part about bringing out the voyeur in people. I think that is somewhat true of me when I was in those groups.
I do know some people who are in some good groups…. or what apparently are good, and they seem to have a good trust with each other, that nothing leaves the room, and that they don’t get into the salacious details. Also, they have mostly been life-long friends. I think that sort of group might be good, but then it is more of a friendship than an “accountability group.”
I prefer friendships with people I trust. I’ve noticed that people who tell everything they know in a group do not make good people to confide in.
Yes, confidentiality is critical for friendships! You have a post coming up on Monday about this very thing… pitfalls to avoid when getting to know your neighbors.
I totally agree with this. In fact, I had just emailed my accountability partner and told him I want to make our friendship more ‘normal’ – that is, not focus on our struggles with ‘sin’ so much and focus on normal everyday things. I also told him I thought focusing on sin exacerbated the situation. I saw a counselor last year who told me I was a ‘sex addict’ after which my sin was exacerbated way beyond before I was labelled ‘an addict’. Things got much worse.
Thankfully, this year God revealed His magnificent GRACE to me and after 15 years as a Christian I finally understand that in Christ we are completely washed clean in His eyes – even in the midst of our sin we are still holy to Him. This has been an amazing revelation. And far from a license to sin it is pure freedom that makes me want to be faithful to the one who loves me and set me free once for all.
I think a counselor is good if you need someone to talk to about the deeper stuff – of course good friends should be confided in – to a point – but not so that the friendship becomes just about that – because then it feels like a counseling relationship – and the friendship may be lost as you will associate that friend with your sin which you want to get rid of, and when you are free from the sin, you may want to be free from those associated with the sin too.
So, I agree. Accountability groups are way too focused on ‘sin’ and not on the fact that Jesus blood has made us holy, righteous and perfect once for all. I told my friend who runs a group, please, at the end of your accountability group, confess that you are righteous in Christ, because He is our righteousness.
Right! Many of them are focused on sin.
How did your friend respond?
Actually, he agreed that friendships can be endangered if it’s only about ‘accountability’. However, he does see a place for accountability. I think one of the problems is the fact that the chuirch has been so focused on ‘confessing’ of sin to ‘come back into right relationship with God’ after we’ve stumbled – whereas now people are now seeing GRACE anew – that is that God sees us as perfectly righteous all the time – because He sees Christ in us.
Hmm. Great point. Maybe these groups would work better if we focused less on confessing sin and more on living in grace and the Father’s love.
Having a group committed to a standard of practice or a positive series of actions, perhaps prayer and study and even other Christian disciplines is the best approach. Being accountable for being and becoming is better than focusing on ‘not doing.’ Isn’t it much easier to encourage each other to reach higher? In training my daughter’s Basenji, positive reinforcement is best. Only occasionally do I use a spray product called ‘Stop It’ which makes a loud hissing sound. Hmmm maybe I could market this to accountability groups, and they could follow each other around, catch someone, spray it, frighten them, and shout stop it!
In the end we must remind each other that we are accountable to only Him. There is great value in a trusting parallel confessing relationship in dealing with some sins, but this is a supplement to the accountability to God not a replacement.
yes, I think that groups might be beneficial when they focus on being and becoming, as you say. Also, I think that developing friendship within the group are critical, so that relationships are the focus of the group rather than it just being a “group.” Friends can help keep people accountable within the boundaries of their friendship. As just a “group” people tend to get legalistic.
I agree with what you say. Accountability groups do invariably lead to spiritual pride and works righteousness. Been there and done that. I have a different take than you Jeremy-though it may not be as different as it appears. 23 years ago I started attending 12 step meetings as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic- I was a believer back then as well. The problems I was encountering were related to a lifestyle I grew up in (too complicated to go into here)- I had tried church groups and found most did not relate to my pain- however in these groups (ACA) people with similar issues came and our sharing led to some unbelievable release of repressed feelings of pain. The fact that 12 step groups were originally The Oxford Group of Christian evangelical outreach makes it plain that the principles themselves are very Christian (at least originally). Bill W when tempted to drink got in touch with another drunk and talked about how tempted he was and his temptation was alleviated. The concept is different from accountability groups where a hierarchal concept ( a leader holding others accountable) leads invariably to a desire to look good (my my isn’t that the churches big problem at times). The only hierarchy is God. The 12 step group Traditions don’t allow CROSS TALK – people telling other people what to do- they allow pain and fear and doubt and all the yuck that extends temptation to be expressed without interruption. It has worked for millions. Are 12 step groups Christian- mostly not- but the principles are Biblical- to come alongside to be as capable as the worst of the worst.–I say it differs little from your conceptual talk with God- only some of us need someone with skin on in the here and now. The idea that we can be lone rangers as Christians or the 180 degree opposite set others as our betters are both flawed and losing concepts. Knowing I have a sin nature and that nature is as capable as anyone with that nature to do evil makes us equals- the only difference between me and anyone not a Christian is the bold of Christ- on that principle we meet learn the Word and doctrine and if need be share our pain and temptations and learn to trust God and each other. None of us are really any better than others. We all are saved by grace.
Great points.
I so wish more people would come to understand how shocking the grace of God truly is. As one of my favorite authors calls it… “outrageous grace.” I am sure that many accountability groups are gracious, but they do lean toward legalism.
The word Accountability reeks of the Law while God is “not keeping an Account/Record of our sins” 2 cor 5:19 Accountability focuses on self and we tend to look for our sin side as is habit in these groups…bad idea ; consider Peter who said to Jesus”Depart from me I am a Sinful Man “after the miracle Fish thing. to which Jesus Countered “Don’t be Afraid (of my Holyness looking at you for I am looking at you with Grace)..and not only that-Jesus would impart that Grace to Peter who would in turn use Grace (which is Attractive… ie”you shall be Fishers of Men” (and bait them with Grace not legalism or sin-consciousness_)
So glad to find this discussion. God’s grace is the power of the Holy Spirit living in believers today!! Acts 1:8 Please do more research about the roots of 12 step programs/meetings….they actually stem from occultic sources. The 12 steps were derived from seances and “voices” who told Bill W. to use “those principles”.
I was trapped in the 12step “psychological heresy” that perpetuates those groups for many years, and struggled greatly to overcome my sin. Once I TRULY surrendered my life….everything, to Jesus Christ, I was set free!! See http://mywordlikefire.com/2008/09/24/seances-spirits-and-12-steps/ Thank you so much for this site Jeremy!! Blessings in abundance 🙂
Thanks, Jodi. I have done some reading and research on the 12 Step programs. I am not ready to say they are satanically inspired, and I do know many people they seem to have helped, but I agree that ultimately, Jesus is the one who liberates us from what has enslaved us.
I didn’t think of that connection to accountability. But you are right. God keeps no record of wrongs. Great input!
This is one of my favorite posts you’ve ever written!
Wow. Thanks! Feel free to use the sharing buttons above to let others know about it.
I’m not sure I completely agree with this post. Accnt groups do work if you work it right. You must be honest in your confession. The 2 mess up examples in your post kept their sin hidden resulting in their fall. The point of accnt groups is to bring the lie out into the light so that the sin loses it’s power. It will NOT work if you keep it hidden.
true! But it seems to me that very few people feel safe enough in these groups to be completely honest. But if you have found one, that is wonderful!
If you don’t trust the group then you shouldn’t form/join the accnt group with them. The whole point is to bring it out into the light. The moment the person does that the sin weakens, but if you don’t the sin has a chance to gain more power resulting in the negative outcomes shared in your post. Share with a person or people you trust. This is one method and it is effective from my own experience. The more specific you are(w/o being inappropriate) the more powerful it is b/c it helps you see the sin for what it really is.
Yes, I see what you are saying. It just seems that “accountability groups” are often presented in churches as the “silver bullet” to defeating sin, and everybody (especially men) is “guilt-tripped” into joining one.
But if the trust and honesty is not there, then many accountability groups become little more than groups where legalism and spiritual pride are allowed to fester. This isn’t true of ALL groups, of course, but it did seem to be true of all the groups I have been in. (I’m pointing the finger at me as well.)
It’s hard to be prideful if you have to join an accountability group. It doesn’t make sense to be in an accnt group with people you can’t trust / are prideful. Confess your sins to one another and pray so that you may be healed(James 5:16). The essence of accnt groups is found in that one verse. To deny accnt groups is to deny scripture.
A very interesting post. I’m currently considering setting up an accountability group system, and this has given me a lot to think about. I don’t find that I agree completely with your points, because I think that they are ways in which the original idea of the group system has been corrupted, be that through dishonesty, works theology etc., rather than a fundamental issue with the system in general.
I am a part of an accountability program online, through X3 Groups, and can speak for how much God has worked in me through this group. To be surrounded by God fearing men, all of whom have shared my pain and understand where I am coming from, has been a great encouragement. Sharing scriptures and growing relationships, as well as prayerful worship of God, has made me more aware of his grace, rather than less. However, I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. This is a system that is inherently prone to self-righteousness. I can be guilty of that myself.
It is something that I feel needs to be worked on, and enshrined in the way the group works. A lack of judgement, and an increase in love, are the most important things, I find.
Great! If you start an accountability group, let me know how it goes.
Great article! Here is a short excerpt from my book. I think our ideas and conclusions are similar, but maybe with a slightly different twist. If you must be in an accountability group, take note of the suggestion at the end.
“In the case of sin, we cannot fight fire with fire. We’ll only get a bigger fire! One example of this I’ve often noticed is in accountability or mentoring type relationships. We usually share our deepest secrets. However, if we aren’t careful it is easy to go in the wrong direction. Since we agree to confess our sins to each other, the pressure and humiliation of having to share week after week seems to help. But, the humiliation of confession cannot keep us from sinning. It may provide some temporary success, but in fact, it is only our own pride trying to avoid the humiliation that keeps the sinful act at bay. We don’t want to lose face with our friends.
We are literally attempting to fight sin with pride. Can pride save us? Can it work supernaturally in our hard hearts? Of course not. Fighting sin with pride only makes our pride greater if we succeed or makes us more miserable if we fail. I’m not saying we should avoid accountability type relationships. I am saying that we should use those close relationships to spur each other on towards a much deeper dependence on Christ, not human perfection.”
Thanks for the quote from your book. What is the title?
The title is Refocus on Christ; before your religion kills you. You can find links on my website or I’d be happy to send you an electronic copy of some sort.
http://www.refocusonchrist.org
Maybe you should change your article title to “WHEN Accountability Groups Don’t Work”, because certainly they work (if done right).
You just generalized accountability groups to be bad for Christians, when in fact, fellowship, restoration and healing of a person is never done alone!
What is the purpose of the Church then?
”
You know what is “LACKING” in most accountability groups?
It is one word: love.
”
(rephrased your point)
I think this is a good point (2 years later). And I even think that in the situation described, the fact that you’re lying can prompt some self-reflection that leads to change. Any time you voluntarily ask others close to you and that you trust that you want to be held accountable for your thoughts, words and actions – as long as it is voluntary – that can be a good thing.
Kerry and Chris – the issue is that “Accountability” groups end up as a type of surrogate and superficial friendship for men. Friendships can and should be based on a mutual faith, but trust and mutual accountability is developed over time, through common experience, and only where we feel respected. Although authentic relationships where accountability is a component can erupt from these groups, it is unlikely in a weekly confessional setting. Trust is build over time and through experience – this is where accountability happens.
The fact is – that confession of sin has been buried into “silent confession” during Sunday services (for some) or just on your own time (for most) – just reinforcing the secrecy of it all. Even if we reject the notion of sacramental penance (I’m assuming the audience of this article is mostly Evangelical Protestant), our Ordained Pastors and Elders would do well to be an example for the saints in bearing each other’s burdens by taking on this role as overseers. Like any organization, “tone at the top” works its way down (or throughout) the whole.
I can totally see where this negativity towards is coming from because i have experienced some horrible ones… BUT they can be done right and in my opinion they are probably the most valuable part of human social interaction.
When you say that its too much thinking about NOT doing something all the time, whether its purity or anything else, this thinking causes alot of problems and doesn’t help. The way to be succesful is to focus on goals like “I want to read the bible and pray every morning and night”
“i want to do 10 acts of service a week” anything that is participating in good things that help you feel the holy spirit and want to be a better person. You can’t commit adultery and pray 10 mins later and feel good about it. Good works make you more self aware and accountable to god, which is the strongest motivator the only purpose of accountability groups is to make sure you are putting yourself in the right place to be accountable to god
🙂
I would agree that the greatest help comes from getting relational with God. But at times he uses others to help us heal from our sin, just as James indicates. Instead of limiting the group to accountability, I’ve been a part of some who have a spiritual review of our week, good and bad. We not only share the times we’ve messed up but the most spiritual moments of our week. I particularly like covering the question, “What has God shown you this past week?” If you combine fun activity and serious projects (e.g. painting a widows house) with the group, you have a recipe for true closeness, providing encouragement and example. I believe such relationships are very helpful in our fulfilling Hebrews 12:15 “See to it that no one has a root of bitterness, is sexually immoral or misses the grace of God.” We certainly can’t accomplish this if the only things we ever talk about with fellow Christians are ball games and the weather, the remadepreacher.
Yes, spiritual family is good and wise. It sounds like this is what you are describing.
My experience with accountability groups has been the opposite of this. I was involved with one at the Catholic student center at my university and it was tremendously encouraging. Like others have said it causes you to see your sin for what it is and it can be a deterrent, for example, if you know that you will have to confess to others in the group. I don’t agree with the spiritual pride thing or the idolatry part.
If you read the scripture about repentance you will find that repentance is more than just saying I’m sorry to God. It actually involves turning from sin and rooting it out from your life. It is an action. To just say “I know I sinned but God loves me anyway” is not repentance. Also as someone said above, to criticize accountability groups is to criticize the scripture. Confess your sins to one another, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another, etc.
Jack,
I am glad that accountability groups worked for you. Know, however, that this is not everyone’s experience.
As for repentance, I have read the Bible about this, and in fact, have studied the term quite extensively. Here is one post I have written on the subject of repentance.
The primary point to any accountability group is to help one another draw closer to God. It has to be close friends you can be transparent with or its just a failed, legalistic effort. I appreciate what Chuck Swindoll says about the men he meets with. The last question is (previous questions aren’t necessary for this point), “Have you lied to me about any of the previous questions?”. If you can’t ask that of one another without the fear of being rejected or judged then you’re with the wrong people.
I have heard Swindoll say that too. I think that natural “accountability” within existing friendships can be good and healthy, but I find that most accountability groups where people form groups for the purpose of accountability almost never work. You typically don’t know if others can be trusted until it is too late to realize they cannot.
My wife would like me to be into a accountability group. I believe about accountability is the same, but they don’t work. In the groups that I have been in do the same they keep in this place of guilt and shame and living in the past. A person can’t move forward if your looking back all the time.
Great article! I totally agree that guilt and peer pressure won’t make accountability successful. Creating a safe environment for accountability is definitely critical. That being said, it’s also important to make sure that accountability questions asked get to heart level matters. Guys have to feel safe and have a level of trust established in order to go to that level though. I see three main types of accountability. Cop accountability where the cop takes a “gotcha!” legalistic approach to the person being held accountable. There is also coach accountability where the coach tries to be very positive and encouraging and finally there is cardiac accountability where the person gets to heart level issues and matters with the person being held accountable. This gets at the underlying things that manifest with symptoms of acting out (porn, masturbation, affairs, etc.) The key with accountability is not just focusing on the symptoms which is how the person acted out (cop and coach) but to get to the underlying root issues or causes that were behind the acting out (cardiac).
The verse in James says “open up and share about your fallings short, and let others bring grace, speaking (Christ’s) grace over that person” The verse does NOT say become the defendent and everyone else a prosecuting attorney or judge.
We have lost trust, because we have lost true love. And we have lost true love, because we have lost God the Father’s holiness, which shapes and defines true love.
Solution? Seek the Father’s holiness and His righteousness and His love, seek Him.
I’ve been in support groups via celebrate recovery for 13 years and I find myself still trapped in my porn addiction. I’ve been on both sides of the dynamic you described. When God had given me some freedom, I liked the positive attention, but felt powerless to help those who were losing their battles around me. Then to feel like crap when all I had to offer was another confession. Having people I can be totally honest with is a valuable resource. But my dependence on that group to save me from myself has lead to frustration.
Throughout the whole time, I’ve struggled with truely trusting God’s love and acceptance. There have been many folks who tried to point me in the right direction, but my self hatred and the resulting shame before God have stopped me from changing in a lasting way.
Until I finally learn to trust and let Him in, I will just keep trying to slap another coat of whitewash on the sepulecher.
Thanks for being the latest person to point me in the right direction. I think I might be in the right place to finally listen.
Where I live, accountability groups work for the reason that we point each other to Christ. We are friends. Inside or outside the church. If one of us leaves the church, we still consider him to be a friend and the accountability does not just stop there. We see it more as an “accountability” and not just a “group” where you can dump whatever you feel like confessing or whatever. Most importantly, we do not try to become Jesus in anyone’s life. We are there for each other to encourage, to support, to pray for them, to keep an eye on them and point them to God’s love, yes. Personally, it has helped in so many ways, knowing that God also designed the church to carry each other’s burden as a way of showing love and manifesting His love to His children. I am joyful to say we are all growing together. I sincerely hope y’all could experience this brotherly love among believers too. God bless you!
I am glad that they work for you. I have heard (and experienced) so many horror stories about accountability groups, it is refreshing to hear of a group that is beneficial and healthy.
‘accountability groups’ are just another man-made church fabricated appurtenance. What language was the OT and NT written in? do we think they could not have had such sophisticated language back “in those days” as accountability group? A friend of mine pointed out, can you imagine the randy newman song from toy story “you’ve got an accountability partner in me”. also – people i’ve known for 40 years, *still* have to earn their way in to sensitive areas. That’s why its called the holy of holies. Well that’s why I call it that lol. What we *need* as author points out is love. people are tired of the appurtenances, i sure am. what about “friend”. a friend. Is there an example of paul saying to timothy: did you look at a girl. however my best friends i don’t even think twice of sharing intimate details of my life because they have earned the ability and proven safety here. Best to all having to navigate this bc the church adopts these trends so readily as if they were a part of the church the last 2000 years. I also pray for those burned by such things. Its a man made way to supplant what the spirit already does, and can do.
Wow!! Well said! This honestly answers an itch I’ve been having in my side that’s really been paining me lately, being frustrated I don’t have an “accountability partner” and yet feeling bad because none of my relationships are really there naturally without forcing it. This article as well as your comment have been a blessing just now to me.
You know, you can make a six foot sub sandwich with all that bologna you just served. What a bunch of crock!
This was one of the best articles on this topic I have ever, ever read. It’s exactly this. “By fear of the Lord men depart from evil”. You described just that. I believe the “fear” word in the KJV actually describes what you described here… delightful awareness, intimacy with God. Every time I’ve cultivated intimacy with God, major struggle areas in my life die down. Thank you for underlining this here. It has helped me greatly and been a ray of light amidst other articles on this topic. This is the one. Thank you.
Thank you for this perspective. My life-long struggle with groups I have been a part of was lack of mutual honesty. Someone always held back. The incongruency would cause others to withold. The concept is good, it rarely works. Look up the word “scrupulosity”. It is a psychological diagnosis (form of OCD) of one whose over-introspection can turn into a mental disorder. I have a sibling who has been hospitalized with it for months on end. It stems from a life-long preoccupation with sin. It’s origins come from having been raised in. culture of guilt-motivation, stemming from an ultra conservative, fundamental, legalistic, religious upbringing. I broke free from that, but still find myself struggling at times. God’s unconditional LOVE is truly the only focus that will bring freedom to one’s struggle – to their soul.
Thank you.
I was on an email list and received an update that said I was doomed to fail if I didn’t have accountability and that really deflated me and ironically led to a spiral of acting out sexually. I’m rather isolated and it’s hard to connect to Christians. Canada has pretty much been shutting churches down for over a year and I’m single. I do know deep down that it isn’t about denying sin, but drawing close to God which pushes the sin out of my life. Be filled with the spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. A Christian counselor once told me that you displace a bad habit with a greater affection.
Also, you have a grammatical error in the last paragraph.
“And the close we get to God”
God bless.
Thank you Jermy for this article. It is very helpful.
Blessings to you.
I found your article resonated with my heart.
I’m often wary when I hear the word accountability when referring to groups. It conjures up in me feelings of pressure, obligation and undue expectation. (Even neediness!)
Sometimes I can’t meet these expectations and what happens then?
Having been involved in several accountability groups (particularly mens church groups) over the years, I’ve felt judged when I don’t ‘conform’ so have left at times, feeling that I in some way, have ‘failed’ to reach the high standard ‘required’.
Rather than feeling safe to gently take off my mask in the group, I wore it more tightly. Faked for fear of judgement..
So ultimately, where I see the tag ‘accountability’, my ‘yuk meter’ is alerted..!
Thankyou for bringing it all back to Love.. X
Hi Jeremy, do you still use this site? I noticed the dates are from years back in the comments. I would like to have conversation with you. Thank you in advance.
I agree with your statement about inviting God into your sin situation. I consider myself a mature Christian who recently hired a young woman many years my junior and within a few days began to have feelings of affection. I’m married, it felt wrong, but the emotion was overwhelming, that is, until I had committed enough prayer time to overcome these feelings. God delivered me within a few weeks and all is good now. I never said anything to this young woman, and most of my conversation was purposely focused either on Truth or talking about my wife. That was more for me than her. I can now enjoy her countenance without experiencing intense feelings. They were never sexual, nor impure, but I knew my feelings (not so much my thoughts) were not appropriate and I couldn’t understand this at first. Is this a test of faith? The Holy Spirit revealed that when I encountered these emotions in the past (pre-born again) I acted on those carnal impulses. This time, as a born-again Christian, I was faced with obvious feelings of affection. I pleaded with God to move this affection away from this woman toward my wife and to redirect this piter-pater heart of love toward the Creator of love Himself, Jesus Christ. This was a snare to me, to my heart, for several weeks. My feelings steadily decreased from her and increased toward my wife and to Jesus. God truly delivered me from this, before anything could “happen”, though I regularly had conversations with myself that it’s all in my head and my heart, that such a love, expressed, would be unrequited. My constant prayer throughout Ps 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. This Psalm and prayer freed me from this potential snare and sin. Thank you, Lord God. Amen.
One thing my mum rightly says is that if people really read their Bibles daily and let the Bible read them, we wouldn’t have most of the problems we do as Christians. The Word of God gives entrance to light. Accountability groups may have a good heart but can be an idol at worst and a humanistic philosophy at best, essentially doing the work that God’s Word and the Holy Spirit alone can do. Yes of course seek help and support, disciple each other on the journey. But focusing on sin and what’s wrong is not what Jesus did. Instead, Paul tells us to think on what is good, pure, trustworthy. We become like what we focus on and I choose to focus on Jesus and his Word.