In the previous posts in this series (sign up at the bottom of this email to receive all the posts for free) we have discussed methods for getting acquainted with our neighbors, building relationships with them, and having group events that will help all of us to get to know each other better. In order to avoid some of the common problems that can occur during this process, let’s look at some pitfalls to avoid.
1. Being Too Helpful
We have learned that deciding ahead of time how much time, energy, money or emotional strength we can devote to neighbors allows us to be in a better position to help the most people. We have discovered that we can not meet everyone’s needs. Not setting limits can cause us to grow weary in well doing and cause us to want to stop helping others.
We attempt to first help those who are least able to meet their own needs, and then help others as we are able. We try to use our resources to help many people, rather than use large amounts of time, money and energy to help one person or family. Some individuals and families have more needs than we are able to meet.
2. Not Keeping Confidences
Are you the kind of person in whom others confide? I am. I have a friend in whom no one confides. What is the difference? What you tell me goes no further.
On the other hand, the fastest way to spread news is to tell one of my friends. Of course, nobody confides in him. Well … nobody confides in him twice.
3. The Neighborhood Grinch
Is there someone in your neighborhood whom no one likes? Several of our neighbors have told us they will not attend group functions at our home if Mr. X is coming. How do we handle that? We do not invite that person to small functions, but we do invite him/her to large functions, such as our upcoming block/neighborhood party.
4. Being Self-Centered
When we meet someone do we use it as an opportunity to tell them all about ourselves, or as an opportunity to learn about them? Do we see it as our chance to tell our stories, or listen to theirs? Do we invite people to our home to show them our tastefully decorated home and souvenirs from our many travels or to get to know them better? Do we want to know people better so we will know what they can do for us (or will buy from us), or so we can get to know them and make a new friend? After they have told us about themselves and told us their stories, most people want to hear about us.
Avoiding these pitfalls will help us build long-term, loving relationships with our neighbors.
You might have noticed that I did not mention anything about sharing the gospel with your neighbors, inviting them to church, or asking them what they think of Jesus. That is because I will devote a whole post to this subject, which I will write about next time.
Between now and then, can you think of any other pitfalls to avoid when getting to know your neighbors? Share them with others by commenting below!
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The Neighborhood Grinch would be a tough one to handle I think.
Yes, it is. Our neighborhood and an adjoining neighborhood where I run each have a person whom no one likes. I seem to be the only one who gets along with them. I try to treat them with love and kindness. We invite them to neighborhood functions, which most people think is what we should do, even though they never attend. However, we do not invite them to smaller functions inside our house, which cannot include the entire neighborhood due to space limitations.
This is an excellent series, Sam. The sort of things you’re talking about are what will bring about the Kingdom of God. It’s all about community.
I, too, would like to comment on partying with the grinch. I’ve been a grinch, and still have that tendency, so I know a bit about it. I’m not surprised that the Neighborhood Grinch never accepts the invitations to neighborhood functions.
I think a grinch is simply an introvert. It may possibly be because (s)he is generally misunderstood to the point that it hurts, so his or her opinion of humanity has dropped below zero into contempt. Usually, though, it’s because we introverts find it much easier to relate at length with one person rather than moving from person to person every few minutes. We find that demanding and even overwhelming, especially if a lot of those people are ones we’ve never met before. The reasons are various, and it took years of introspection for me to understand how I got to be who I am, and to joyfully accept it.
I’d suggest that rather than inviting the grinches to the larger functions or even to smaller ones, you invite them, when you don’t already have visitors, to come in for a cup of coffee or a cold drink. That’s especially important if the grinch is someone that nobody seems to like. Also, realize there’s nothing wrong with being a lone wolf. As another grinch I know likes to point out, it’s a good thing we’re not all in the same lineup.
Also, I’d like to add one pitfall to your list: doing those neighborly things for the wrong reason. Doing them to satisfy ourselves that we are obeying the commandment to love is not the same as actually obeying that commandment. Demonstrating “loving” acts just to make ourselves feel good is a particularly dangerous form of pitfall number 4, being self-centered. We have to “feel the love.”
But how can love be commanded? I don’t think Jesus was speaking primarily to those who don’t yet know love when he said, “Love one another.” I think he meant for those of us who have experienced that unconditional love to be on guard against ever being distracted from continuing to pass it on.
Again, great series. Thanks for the insights.
Lutek. Sorry I missed this when I was out of town. The grinch I was thinking of here is antagonistic, has called the police on numerous neighbors for imagined offenses, does not respond to invitations, does not allow any neighbors into their house and so on.
I agree with your addition to the list: “doing those neighborly things for the wrong reason”. Doing them to make ourselves feel good doesn’t hold up very well. Eventually we stop feeling good and begin feeling resentful.
Thank you for the kind comments.
ok Sam,, under the too helpful part..just how do you determine who is “truly unable” to meet their own needs. I have neighbors who will make you think that they are somehow much worse off than yourself and then gleefully accept your help or even ask for your help under the guise or you’re so much smarter, better off , more capable etc blah,blah blah than they are. How do you tell? I most always end up way over involved, then I sort of wake up and smell the roses. It starts slowly and then slowly escalates. Then when you attempt to cut back..hurt or angry feelings surface. How do you tell? Pls tell me the secret.
Yes, most of us know people like that. If you read all of my “neighbors” posts, you will figure out that I include most everyone as a “neighbor”. We have little trouble finding the “truly unable”, such as desperately sick people, the mentally ill, some of the homeless, and the recently bereaved (such as loss of spouse or child).
Since we are involved with many people, we rarely get over involved with any one person or family. We try not to make anyone too dependent on us, and try to help them find a variety of resources to supply their needs.
I know people who are able to do their own work or hire someone to do it, but plead poverty, inability or whatever to get others to help them for free. Some people have done this most of their lives and are experts at getting someone else to do what they themselves are able to do. If you try to cut back, they try to make you feel guilty. They act angry, hurt, abandoned and so on. They are masters at doing this.
That has happened to us. We explained we had to cut back and left it at that. In every case we noticed that they soon found someone else to do what they “needed”. Sometimes they even hired someone when they could find no one who would do it for free. (Apparently they had money after all!)