Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

To be a true fisherman, there are certain things you have to do which really don’t make you a better fisherman, but prove to everyone else that you are the real deal, the genuine article. Apparently, there are a lot of false fishermen out there, and the primary thing that sets true fishermen apart from false fishermen are fishing rituals. False fishermen don’t practice these rituals, which prove they were never really fishermen in the first place.

I honestly don’t understand the significance of these rituals, but I was told that true fishermen have been doing them for thousands of years, and so if I wanted to be a true fisherman, I would have to do them too.

Net Washing

The first was net washing. I didn’t own a fishing net, so I had to go buy one. I wasn’t even sure how to fish with a net, but that didn’t matter. Great fishermen of the past used these fishing nets, and they would have to clean their nets, so to identify myself with the great fishermen of the past, I began a daily practice of cleaning my fishing net.

And I was determined to do a better job at it than others. I watched one guy clean his net, and he just sprinkled a little water on it and called it good. It didn’t take him more than a minute. I really doubt that the fishermen of the past could clean their net in under a minute, and I don’t think that sprinkling a net qualifies as washing.

So I make sure to take more time on my daily net cleaning, and really get the net fully into the water.

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

As I continue my quest to become the world’s greatest fisherman, I have discovered that success is not measured in how many fish you actually catch, but in how well you present yourself as a fisherman. This was a great relief to me, because the more I learn about fishing, the less I like it. Some days, I am pretty sure I hate fish. They stink, they are slimy, and those bugged-out eyes kind of freak me out.

Thankfully, you don’t have to catch fish to be a world famous fisherman. All you have to do is project the image of being a successful fisherman and be able to teach others how to fish. There are two kinds of fisherman: those who fish, and those who teach others to fish. I am one of the latter.

But before people will listen to you about how to fish, you have to convince them that you are a great fisherman. How is this possible if, like me, you have never actually caught fish? There are numerous ways.

Fishing Necklace

The first thing I did was buy a fishing necklace with a hook on it. I made sure the hook on my necklace was plastic, of course. I didn’t want to risk any more trips to the hospital. I made sure the hook was fluorescent pink, and I wore it on the outside of my shirt so that everybody could see it as I walked around.

I felt pretty good about making such a public statement that I was a fisherman, but one day I saw a guy wearing a golden fishing hook. It looked very expensive, and when I asked him about it, he said it was real gold! Clearly he was a better fisherman than I was because he was wearing a golden hook and mine was cheap plastic. I immediately went out and bought myself the biggest, brightest, and most expensive golden fishing hook I could find. Now, everywhere I go, people look with admiration at my fishing hook necklace. The amazement is obvious on their faces about what a great fisherman I am.

Fishing T-Shirts

Another great way to show people that I am a fisherman is by wearing fisherman t-shirts. I have one t-shirt that says, “If you were to die tonight, do you know where you would fish for eternity?” Another that I wear a lot says, “Fish with Jesus on streams of living water… or try your luck at the lake of fire.” The choice is obvious. I find that wearing shirts like this really help me feel like a true fisherman.

Fishing Bumper Stickers

Also, bumper stickers are nice. My favorite bumper sticker, which I placed on both my cars and on the back of my fishing boat, reads, “Love the fish; hate fish guts.” I have often thought that fish would be much better if they didn’t have any guts. I have watched some videos about cleaning fish, and while I have never actually done it myself, it looks disgusting. I think that fish guts are actually what keeps me from catching any fish. I would not want to deal with their guts.

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

Since no one would go with me to the river, I decided to go by myself.

But when I got down to the river, things didn’t go quite as planned. First of all, the bank was steep and I fell a few times on my way down to the water. But once I got down there, I discovered that the river was more dangerous than I ever imagined. The water was moving! I had heard rumors that people actually got into the river to fish, but I knew by looking at the water rushing by that nobody would be that foolish. Even if they survived, how would they ever get home?

Just as I was thinking these thoughts, I looked up the river and saw a boat floating down the river toward me, and inside were some fishermen! At first I thought these men were fearless, but as they floated closer, I realized that they were just foolish.

They were unwashed, sweaty men, with facial hair! Such burly, scruffy men should not be allowed to be fishermen. They give fishermen a bad name.

And the language they used was even worse. It sounded like they were trying to kill the fish with foul mouths. I immediately concluded that these were not true fishermen, but were frauds. They were false fishermen who only gave the appearance of fishing. Fishermen were like me. We have dignity, style, and can craft a flowery tale about the fish we’ve caught. Resorting to such coarse language as they did is only proof of a weak mind. They clearly hadn’t read all the books that I had about proper fisherman etiquette.

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

While I waited for fish to come out from hiding and visit my pool, I decided to begin training myself about how fish think. I had read about this in a magazine and knew it was important. I figured that the best way to do this was to go where the fish lived.

I knew enough about fishing now to know that most fish lived in lakes, rivers, and streams. I certainly wasn’t going to live near one of these bodies of water, but it wouldn’t hurt to take a tour of one. I even came up with a fancy name for my excursion: I called it my “Fishin’ Mission.” There was a river not too far from me, and I decided to go there for my first trip.

I must confess that in the back of my mind I had plans for more than just seeing the river and learning about fish. In one of my magazines I read about “Fishing Tours” and decided that once I became a world-famous fisherman, I could charge people to go down the river with me where they could take pictures and learn from me about the dangers of rivers and the joys of fishing. Then they could go home and tell everybody about the river and show people pictures. Some of those people would want to come on the tour, and I could have a steady source of income. It would be great.

But first things first. Before my Fishin’ Mission could become world famous, I needed to get some actual experience going down the rivers and lakes to learn about the fish I was going to catch. I was a little too scared to go alone, however, so I decided to invite some other people to go along with me. This would be beneficial in two ways.

First, I had heard somewhere that there is no such thing as a “Lone Ranger Fisherman.” I think this means that no fisherman should fish alone but this explanation didn’t really make sense to me because the Lone Ranger had Tonto. Regardless, I figured it was good advice, and needed to find some people to go with me. When you are going to someplace as scary as lakes and rivers, there is strength in numbers.

The second reason I wanted to find some others to go with me is that they would be good PR. Once they came back with adventures stories of our time on the river, with pictures of the giant fish we caught, and tales of the monsters that got away, I would have people beating down my door to go on a Fishin’ Mission with me. All I needed to do was get a few people to go with me the first time, and then word of mouth would do the rest.

So I made up some flyers and stapled them on telephone poles and fences around town. Nobody called.

So then I plastered the flyers on the walls of some businesses in town and put them in the windshields of cars. I did get one call on those, but it was from the police telling me that they had received some complaints and if I did this again, I would get fined for littering.

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

Although I had discovered that all fish can climb out of the water and hide behind rocks and trees, I now had to figure out how to lure them away from the rocks and trees so they climb into my swimming pool.

At first, it was difficult for me to think of ways to attract them. One of these days I will have to learn to think like a fish. I had read about that in one of the magazines, and had dog-eared the page so I could read it later. But for now, I was pretty confident in my own skills to find the solution to my fishing problem.

The solution did not take long. First, I asked myself why I did not know how fish thought. The answer to this question was that I was not a fish. I am glad that God did not make me a fish. Fish are slimy and gross. And they die easily. I still cannot believe that all those fish I bought from the pet store died in my pool. They were starting to stink too. I left them in there so they could be food for the other fish that climbed in there. Fish were like that. They feed on each other. It just goes to show you how depraved they are.

Anyway, it was when I realized that I was not a fish that I found my answer. The reason I did not understand fish was not just because I was not a fish, but because fish lived in a whole different environment than I did. I lived in the air. They lived in the water. I read books and magazines. They just swam around doing fish things like reproducing and eating. In a way, fish are from another world.

I am not saying fish are aliens, for we all know that God didn’t create any aliens anywhere else in the universe, or else he would have told us so in the Bible. But since humans live on ground and fish live in water, it is kind of like fish are from a different world.

That is how it dawned on me. When I was younger, I watched the movie E.T., and in it, the little boy lured an alien into his room by laying out a line of Reese’s Pieces. I don’t think they sell Reese’s Pieces anymore, and I don’t know if fish like them. But I did know from reading my magazines that fish like worms, flies, and grasshoppers.

So to lure the fish out from behind the rocks and trees, all I had to do was put out a line of worms, flies, and grasshoppers, leading from behind each rock and tree in my yard, and into the pool.

The problem with this solution was that I didn’t have any worms, flies, or grasshoppers. Also, I wasn’t sure how to get any. I had noticed that flies had begun to buzz around my swimming pool due to the rotting fish, but there was no way of getting these flies to stand in a line from the rocks and trees up to my pool.

This minor setback was not too much of a problem for me. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I decided that the flies around my pool were actually helpful. All I had to do was tell the fish that there flies at my pool, and whole schools of fish would show up. Clearly, if I told the fish that my pool was full of water and had lots of flies buzzing around, they would leave their hiding places and come to the pool. Everything a fish wants was already at my pool, and all I had to do was invite them!

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Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…

On the day after my trip to the pet store, I went out to my pool to see how my fish were doing. Every single one of them was dead.

It figures. Now I know why the store manager and that punk kid of his were laughing at me as I left. The fish they sold me were all sick! The crooks. I really should report them to the police. But I knew when to forgive and forget, and didn’t God say, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay”? I would let God deal with them by sending them to burn forever in the pit of hell. That would be worse than sending them to prison where they might reform their lives and find Jesus. Yes, it was better to just let them continue in their sin. Besides, I had already warned the kid that he was headed for hell. His blood would not be on my head as he burned for all eternity.

But what was I going to do about fish? I couldn’t go buy more. My wife was already upset at how much I had spent on the boat, the fishing gear, the pool, and the fish. I couldn’t spend more money right now. I had to find some free fish to put in my pool so I could begin catching them.

But where? Where could I find free fish?

I guess it was time to start reading some of those fishing magazines. I pulled a few out and started thumbing through them, looking for articles about where to find fish. And wouldn’t you know it, there were several articles on this very topic! One article in particular was very helpful, stating that fish liked to hide under logs, behind rocks, and in the weeds. I had some of these right in my yard. Could it be possible that fish were hiding right in my backyard?

I didn’t quite understand how this could be. Didn’t fish live in water? How could they hide behind rocks and trees? Clearly, there was something I was missing.

So I decided to put my superior research skills to use in finding a solution to this problem. The answer did not take long. That is what happens when you have an intellect like mine.

I searched Google for “fish on land” and learned that scientists have discovered a fish that climbs out of the water and walks around on land. They call it a “mud skipper.”

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