Below is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called Adventures in Fishing (for Men). The book is a satirical allegory about Christian attempts at evangelism. He who has ears to hear…
After my great success in Africa, some of my donors suggested that I start a “Training Center” for fishermen. There were numerous fishermen around the country and across the world who were dying to know all that I had learned about fishing, and how they too could become a successful fisherman.
This training center would have all the best books and equipment. It would be a safe place where fishermen could come for training. We would not only teach the fishermen trainees everything they needed to know about fishing, but would put them in real-life scenarios where they could practice the skills of fishing, without any danger of drowning, getting pierced by hooks, or getting arrested for swimming. At our school, they could become master fishermen without any contact with smelly fish.
The first thing I had to do was start an advertising campaign. I needed brochures and billboards, television spots and radio ads. And on every single one, I had to put a picture of myself.
So I had a professional photographer come over to my house. I put on my best fishing t-shirt and my golden fishing necklace, and had him take pictures of me standing in front of all my fishing books. For a special touch, he told me to open a leather-bound fishing book and point my finger at some random place on the page to make it look like I was studying it.
When I got the proofs back, I was quite impressed. With my fishing clothes on, all those fishing books behind me, and the open fishing book in my hands, I really looked like a world-class fisherman. Everybody would want to learn from me now!
Then I had a graphic design artist put together a little brochure with my picture on it, which included my mission, vision, values, and purpose statements from the SHITPLAN I had written previously. I included a description of my dream for a World Fishing Training Center, and how the only thing that was keeping us back from transforming the world into a fishing utopia was a lack of finances.
Then I sent this brochure out to everybody who had financially supported me on my fishing trip to Africa, and I sent it to every fishing club I could think of. When the donations started coming in, we hired a realtor and an architect so we could buy land and construct a giant building upon it. We eventually found a piece of property on the north side of town. It was 80 acres and only cost about half a million dollars. I know this sounds expensive, but we needed lots of room for parking.
Then we had the architect draw us up some plans, and as soon as they were done, we began construction. I learned from my experience in Africa that people are impressed with beauty, and so we decided to use only the best building materials. We built our Training Center with marble flooring, brass handrails going up spiraling staircases, giant stained glass windows which depicted famous fishing scenes, two huge LED screens, and a state-of-the-art sound system. All together, the first stage of construction was estimated to be about $10 million, and we had future plans for additions and renovations that could cost upwards of $150 million with a 90,000 square foot auditorium that seats 3000 people.
We would also construct several dormitory-style buildings, complete with padded seating, fold-out tables, and electronic whiteboards to start a four-year intensive training school for young fishermen. We would hire some of the best fishermen from around the world to come and pass on their knowledge to the next generation.
Yes, with a Training Center like this, we were certain to turn the world upside down. It was just a matter of time before every fish in the world had been caught.