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Two Men in one Bed (Luke 17:34)

By Jeremy Myers
154 Comments

Two Men in one Bed (Luke 17:34)
Note: This post is part of the July 2015 Synchroblog.

In the past, I have taught that Jesus never mentioned homosexuality.

But a few weeks ago, after the Supreme Court of the United Stated ruled that gay couples could get legally married, a guy came up to me and said, “This ruling is a sign of the end of the world! Jesus prophesied in Luke 17:34 that when the rapture happens, there will be two men in a bed!”

I went on to show him that in the Greek, the word “men” is not actually there, so all it really says is “There will be two in one bed …”

And besides, there is some question about whether Luke 17 is even referring to the rapture.

Jesus teaching Luke 17:34But even if the text is referring to a gay couple in bed, and even if the text does teach about the rapture, I pointed out to him that one of the men was taken in the rapture, which means that apparently, God accepted him.

He apparently hadn’t though about this … and so started back-peddling a bit from this text.

But I decided to look into Luke 17:34 a bit more deeply.

Is it just two people in a bed?

As I pointed out to the end-of-the-world alarmist, the word “men” is not in Luke 17:34. The text literally reads:

In that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other left.

But then I noticed that in the context, our English translations go on in Luke 17:35 to record Jesus talking about two women grinding at the mill. I looked briefly at the Greek here as well, and noticed that the word “women” was not in Luke 17:35, just as the word “men” was not in Luke 17:34. Note that the word “mill” is not in the text either. Luke 17:35 literally says this:

Two will be grinding together; one will be taken and the other left.

So I asked myself, “What am I missing? Why do many English translators supply the word “men” in Luke 17:34 and “women” in Luke 17:35 when neither word is there? So I looked at the verses a little more carefully, and noticed that other words in Luke 17:34-35 revealed the gender of the people in question.

When Luke 17:34 says, “one will be taken and the other left,” the words “one” and “other” are both masculine. By itself, this might not mean that the two people were men, for Greek (as in most languages) can use male words and pronouns to refer generically to “people” whether they are male or female.

But Luke 17:35 is much more clear. When this verse says, “one will be taken and the other left,” the words “one” and “other” are both feminine. A feminine pronouns are only used of women.

So when you compare Luke 17:34 and Luke 17:35, and Luke 17:35 is clearly referring to two women, then it seems pretty clear that Luke 17:34 is referring to two women. The burden of proof lies on those who want to say that Luke 17:35 refers to women while Luke 17:34 refers generically to “people.”

But so what?

Just because two men are in one bed, this doesn’t mean they’re gay.

This is very true.

While rare, it is not completely unheard of for two straight men to share one bed today. They might share a bed for warmth, or for protection, or simply because there is a lack of bed space.

This is especially true of men in ancient Middle-Eastern cultures. Unlike most modern Western males, I read in various sources that men of the Ancient Near East didn’t feel “weirded out” by sharing a bed with another man.

But then I started studying the context further.

One source that really provided some background details for my study was a series of blog posts by Ron Goetz on gays and lesbians in Luke. What follows below is a brief summary of his arguments.

NOTE: I am not saying I agree with Ron Goetz. All I am doing is summarizing his research. I would like your opinion on what he argues, and would like your thoughts about whether or not Jesus does, in fact, mention homosexual couples in Luke 17:34-35, and what this means (if anything) for the debate today about Same-Sex Marriage.

Gay Sex in Luke 17:34-35

Below is a small sampling of what Ron Goetz argues regarding two same-sex couples in Luke 17. Before you criticize what he says, I strongly urge you to go read through his entire series of posts, as it is likely that he has already responded to your question or criticism.

The summary/extended quote from Ron Goetz begins below…

I tell you, in that night,
there shall be two men in one bed;
the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.
Two women shall be grinding together;
the one shall be taken, and the other left.
(Luke 17:34-35, KJV)

The Context of Sodom

Sodom and GomorrahImmediately before the mention of two men in one bed is a lengthy discussion of the destruction of Sodom. Now I don’t believe the sin of Sodom was homosexuality. But there are many today who believe that it was, and I think most of the Jewish believers in Luke’s audience may have believed it as well.

Jesus knew that by recounting key details of Sodom’s destruction, his audience would have man-on-man sex on its mind. Jesus intended for us to understand that the “two men in one bed” were gay.

One key practice for interpreting a passage in the Greek scriptures is to look for its antecedents in the Old Testament.

I’ve only found two Old Testament references to two men laying together.

“Thou shalt not lie with a man, as with a woman: it is abomination” (Leviticus 18:22).

“If a man lie with a man, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them” (Leviticus 20:13).

By clearly alluding to the Levitical prohibitions against male homosexuality, followed immediately with his declaration that “one shall be taken, and the other left,” Jesus declared his own acceptance of gays and lesbians, and that gays and lesbians are not automatically rejected by God.

Whether or not you believe in this final separation, or whether or not you believe the Bible, doesn’t matter with regard to the significance of the passage. What is important is that Luke 17:34-35 teaches that sexually active gays and lesbians are not automatically consigned to perdition.

Two Women Grinding Together

In the Hebrew Bible, “grind” is used as an acceptable euphemism for sexual intercourse in at least four places: Job 31:10, Judges 16:21, Isaiah 47:2-3, and Lamentations 5:13.

[Yet] It seems shocking that Jesus would use what sounds to us today like gutter language when referring to lesbian love-making. The idea of Jesus uttering the words “women grinding together” can be very uncomfortable. It certainly was for me. Even though the Old Testament evidence confirmed my hypothesis, it was difficult for me to hear that language coming from the mouth of Christ.

But when you remember that there is earthy language throughout the Bible, in both testaments, we get an understanding that the church’s demand for regal, solemn, respectable language is not a Biblical demand. Our personal and cultural expectations are not necessarily in sync with the scriptures. What sounds like earthy language today were, generally speaking, acceptable Biblical euphemisms.

Solomon’s love poem, the Song of Songs, is well known for its graphic descriptions of romantic love. First century Israel did not have the clinical, scientific nomenclature for sexual matters that we have today, but they did have acceptable ways to discuss these things among adults.

No, Jesus Christ was not using gutter language when he mentions “two women grinding together.” The Old Testament books of Job, Judges, and Lamentations contain the Biblical use of the metaphorical grind. Jesus used the ordinary, acceptable language of his day to refer to lesbian love-making.

[But it is not just a couple of Old Testament texts that use “grind” in this way.]

In Latin, the word “grind,” and the related word “mill,” are both euphemisms for things sexual. The Roman poet Horace (65 to 8 BCE) used “grind” in his endorsement of brothels. Writing in Latin just decades before the birth of Christ, [one author] says that

Once, when a noble left a brothel, “Blessed be thou for thy virtue!” quoth the wisdom of Cato: “for when their veins are swelling with gross lust, young men should drop in there, rather than grind some husband’s private mill.”

His use of both “grind” and “mill” shows that even the presence of the word “mill” does not eliminate the possibility of sexual meanings in the word “grind.” Horace’s usage is very significant because it is proof of the use of “grind” as a euphemism for sexual intercourse in the Roman empire just a few decades before the birth of Christ.

[Such euphemisms are also found in Greek.]

Sapphos from LesbosPlutarch (ca A.D. 45 to 120) was born in Greece near Delphi, and was a contemporary of Luke. One of Plutarch’s s, “The Banquet of Seven Wise Men,” is a fictional conversation among some famous men who lived around 650 BCE. After a brief lull in the conversation, Thales of Miletus speaks:

This remark arrested the attention of the whole company, and Thales said jestingly…. “when I was at Lesbos, I heard my landlady, as she was very busy at her handmill, singing as she used to go at her work:

Grind, mill, grind;
For even Pittacus grinds,
King of great Mytilene.

Plutarch records “grind” used as a sexual metaphor in the last quarter of the first century A.D., overlapping the probable years when Luke was composed.

The sexual meanings of “grind” and “mill” were common in Greek society when Luke being composed, and could have been in common usage for as long as 700 years prior to that. There is no room for quibbling over whether or not “grind” and “mill” were used sexually in the Greek language of the first century, and that this layer of meaning was familiar to literate Greeks.

The Lightning and the Eagle

Zeus and GanymedeA major piece of evidence supporting the thesis of a deliberate gay theme in Luke’s Small Apocalypse (which I call “Luke’s Gay Apocalypse”) is found in the two primary symbols of Zeus, the supreme god in Roman religion. The symbols of Zeus are the lightning bolt and the eagle, and they appear in Luke 17:24, 37.

I subsequently investigated the Luke 17 passage specifically as the “Q Apocalypse,” and was blessed to find a terrific resource, “Where the Eagles are Gathered”: The Deliverance of the Elect in Lukan Eschatology, by Steven L. Bridge (2003), who connects the lightning and the eagles with Zeus and Ganymede.

The lightning bolt was Zeus’ powerful weapon, and the eagle was sent to retrieve the bolts after Zeus had thrown them. One of the most popular and enduring stories involving the eagle describes the Abduction of Ganymede. According to the story, the King of Troy had a beautiful son named Ganymede, and Zeus found Ganymede irresistibly attractive.

Zeus and GanymedeAccording to the story, the attractive young Ganymede is abducted by an eagle, who in one version is Zeus himself, having transformed himself into an eagle. While the story had several uses (as a paradigm for imperialism and an allegory for Truth), in the Roman era the sexual nature of Ganymede’s relationship with Zeus was widely recognized.

Zeus had numerous liaisons with mortal women, but only one same-sex relationship, and the eagle is vividly associated with his romantic relationship with Ganymede. Just as the donkey reminds Christians of the Nativity and the Triumphal Entry, so also the eagle reminded Romans and Roman subjects of Zeus’ sexual relationship with his cup bearer and servant, Ganymede. The story of Zeus and Ganymede adds a layer of sexual meaning and interest to the eagle’s image which is missing from its common use as a symbol of power.

Zeus and Ganymede What we have here are the two chief symbols of Zeus, lightning and eagles, one of which is vividly associated with Zeus’ same-sex relationship with Ganymede, located at the beginning and end of a discrete unit of the third gospel, Luke’s Small Apocalypse. That distance between the verses may seem great, and this distance has obscured their historical and cultural connection. But these were the symbols of Zeus. If we were to read a paragraph that opened with a mention of a “crown of thorns” and ended with a “cross,” no one would doubt that the crucifixion was a central element in that paragraph.

Anywhere in the Roman Empire, someone reading Luke 17:20-37 would immediately recognize Zeus and Ganymede in Luke 17:24, 37.

So are Gay People Accepted by God or not?

The upshot of all this? Once we recognize the common thread running through the major elements of the passage–Zeus and Ganymede, Sodom, and the gay and lesbian couples–the entire passage coheres as a unified whole. Not only do the major elements of the passage become related in a single theme, but several unresolved interpretive questions fall into place as well.

The general topic or theme of the passage is indeed judgment, but the examples Jesus uses to illustrate the enactment of judgment don’t tell us what is worthy of judgment, but what is not worthy of judgment.

And this is one very accurate way of describing the purpose of the passage. We’ve never quite known what the basis of acceptability was for the favored members of these pairs. We have surmised that they have an unspoken relationship with God, that they have faith, that they have remained awake and watchful and kept their lamps trimmed, but the passage has forced us to guess what the difference is between those who are taken and those who are left.

That puzzled guessing is understandable, because the point of the passage never has been to tell us the difference between who is acceptable to God and who is unacceptable. The point has been to tell us that homosexuality is not a factor in a person’s acceptability to God.

People’s sexual orientation is not among the criteria for whether they’re in or whether they’re out.

Luke’s Gay Apocalypse, with the romantically involved gays and lesbians and the gathering of the Eagles around the Body of Christ, tells both Jews and Roman gentiles the “moral of the story.” It is this:

  • Non-Celibate Gays and Lesbians are not Rejected by God.
  • Homosexuality is Not a Criterion of Acceptability for God.
  • Lesbians and Gays are Present in the Final Eschatological Gathering of God’s Elect.

Just because the word “homosexual” doesn’t appear in the gospels doesn’t mean Jesus didn’t talk about it. He did talk about homosexuality, using concrete terms similar to those in the Hebrew scriptures.

I tell you, in that night,
there shall be two men in one bed;
the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.
Two women shall be grinding together;
the one shall be taken, and the other left.
(Luke 17:34-35, KJV)

Jesus discussed homosexuals in precisely the way we would expect him to, not in abstract terms, but using concrete examples.

The post above was part of the 2015 Sychroblog on Gay Marriage. Below are posts from other bloggers who also contributed. Go read them all to see what they have to say!

  • Justin Steckbauer – Gay Marriage, LGBTQ Issues, and the Christian Worldview
  • Leah Sophia – Marriage Equality Again
  • Tony Ijeh – Thoughts on Gay Marriage
  • Tim Nichols – Imago Dei: Loving the Different
  • Carlos Shelton – About Gay Marriage
  • Wesley Rostoll – Some Things to Consider Regarding Gay Marriage
  • K. W. Leslie – Same-sex Marriage
  • Paul W. Meier – Gay Marriage: Love is the Narrow Gate
  • Tara – Justice for All
  • Michelle Torigian – Marriage Equality: The Constantly Expanding Love of God
  • Lifewalk Blog – Here I am
  • Mary – A Recovering Evangelical Writes about Homosexuality
  • Liz – Same Sex Marriage Stuff: Part 1
  • Loveday – Gay Marriage in Africa, USA, and the World
  • Jea7587 – Loving Your Gay Neighbor, Part 2
  • D. L. Webster – Questions of Interacting with Differing Beliefs

God is Redeeming Life, Redeeming Scripture Bible & Theology Topics: Bible Study, gay marriage, homosexual, homosexuality, Jesus, lgbt, Luke 17:34-35

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Some Christians will not find this funny. But I did.

By Jeremy Myers
30 Comments

Some Christians will not find this funny. But I did.

Some Christians might not think this is funny, but I do…

The Bible in One Facebook post

God is Redeeming Scripture Bible & Theology Topics: bible, Bible Study, humor, Jesus, sin, Theology of the Bible

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Nonviolent Resistance and Pacifism are Not the Same Thing

By Jeremy Myers
24 Comments

Nonviolent Resistance and Pacifism are Not the Same Thing

nonviolent resistanceI recently had an email exchange with a reader of this blog about pacifism and nonviolence. Usually such exchanges are better suited for the comment section of blog posts, since this allows more people to weigh in on the conversation. So, for the sake of inviting you in to the conversation, I will post our email exchange below. Please read it and then weigh in with your own thoughts.

I am interspersing my thoughts into the exchange (indicated by brackets [ … ]), and will conclude with some brief observations and clarifications.

Derek (not his real name): A question. If it is the job of the Holy Spirit to convince the world of sin (and I agree that this is the job of the Holy Spirit) are you saying that we as a nation are not to do anything about the threat to our freedom from ISIS or the other radical Muslims who say we must submit to their god? “A nation” is composed of people (some of the population being Christian) and if they do nothing against their enemies, then they will be over run by those enemies. Would just like a little clarification. Otherwise, you are correct that we should not use the “Christians are not perfect…just forgiven” as an excuse for covering for someone who has done wrong who claims to be a Christian. Of course, I assume you do believe that Christians are not perfect until God gives us our glorified body. Right or do you believe Christians can become perfect?

J. Myers: No, I am not saying that we should do nothing about ISIS. But violence will only lead to more violence. There are ways to nonviolently resist the things they are doing. Think Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, etc.

[I didn’t answer his questions about Christian perfectionism. I do not believe Christians can become perfect in this life, but I didn’t want our discussion to get sidetracked onto peripheral issues.]

Derek: Please tell me one way you can nonviolently resist the radical ISIS? While nonviolence is a desired way, you approach a radical ISIS member and you most likely will lose your head.

Will be waiting your reply, as I have much to say about Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and Nelson Mandela.

J. Myers: There is no “one way” or even “a way” that fits every situation. That is why creativity and determination are needed in nonviolent resistance.

But no, I would never recommend approaching a radical ISIS member. Why would you? Nonviolent resistance is primarily for the times when they approach you. And yes, you might lose your head. But Jesus was crucified, and in God’s economy, dying for what is right is more of a “win” than killing someone else to save one’s life.

loving is not winning[Note that nonviolent resistance is not about “winning” or “defeating the enemy.” If we nonviolently resist, we may end up dead. That’s what happened to Jesus, after all. The goal of nonviolent resistance is not to “stay alive” while taking the life of someone else (if necessary), but it is rather to reveal God and love others like Jesus. It is impossible to do this if you are killing them.]

Derek: It is good that most Christians in the United States – from the beginning of the republic until today – do not hold your pacifistic viewpoints on dealing with the devils who call themselves Islamic Jihadists.

[Note the scapegoating going on in Derek’s statement. He has “de-humanized” these Muslims by calling them “devils.” We get very upset when Muslims refer to the United States as “The Great Satan,” but we do the same thing to them.]

I don’t know exactly what you mean by, “That is why creativity and determination are needed in nonviolent resistance.” I will admit, that if a person can meet one of these people who is not so radicalized, and you can tell him or her about the saving Grace of God, and that their Allah is not the real God, it is possible to win them to Christ. But how many of them are going to give you that opportunity? Not many.

[Yes. If the first words out of your mouth when you meet a Muslim include “Allah is not a real God,” it is not surprising that they will not want to hear the rest of what you have to say, and you will not “win them to Christ.” But who ever said that such words need to be included in the first conversation you have with Muslims? Or even the tenth? Or Hundredth?]

I believe that God is allowing these radical Muslims and other revolutionaries to stir up the middle east – perhaps bringing about World War III – so the people of the world who are so naïve, will fall for the argument that we need a World Government perhaps under the current United Nations. I believe we are in the Last Days, and if such does come about, from this World Government could come the Anti-Christ which the Scriptures tell us about. If that happens, then you should know the rest of the story.

[Here is the scapegoating again. World War III is already being blamed on the Muslims, and it hasn’t even started yet!]

Earlier, you had mentioned the “nonviolent” tactics of Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Nelson Mandela.

Gandhi was a true believer and practitioner of “nonviolence.” However, my understanding is that he was not a “born again” Christian, despite all the good work he did. If the Scriptures are correct in their teachings (and I believe they are), then Gandhi is in torment in Hell as I write this email.

[Isn’t it strange that while Gandhi can better follow the instructions of Jesus than most Christians (even though He was Hindu), he is “in torment in Hell” right now? Yes, I know we do not receive eternal life by works, but I find this entire line of reasoning quite shocking. Also, because Gandhi wasn’t a “Christian” he apparently has nothing to teach us?]

Martin Luther King attended various meetings which were sponsored by organizations which were “communistic” in nature. While his nonviolent protests did bring about the Civil Rights movement and led to ending the wrongs of Segregation, one of the unintended consequences of such has produced Black hoodlums across America, many of whom have the idea they do not have to obey the laws of the land because their ancestors were slaves. Racial tensions are greater today, than they were during the days of Segregation. Martin Luther King was a professing Christian and Minister, and I have to give him the benefit of the doubt that at some time in his life, he trusted in the shed Blood of Christ on the Cross for forgiveness of his sins, and held to that trust for his Salvation until the day he was assassinated.

[So, Martin Luther King Jr., though he was a Christian and a pastor, can apparently be discredited too because his meetings were sponsored by communistic organizations? And what is this about the end of segregation being responsible for “black hoodlums across America”? Yikes!]

Nelson Mandela was another who was influenced by “communistic” doctrines. And while he may have been unjustifiably held in prison for many years, I do not believe he was a professing Christian, and if he was not, then we can only know what the Scriptures teach us. Despite his bringing an end to Apartheid, I understand that South Africa is as unsafe to travel to today as are some areas of New York City.

[And Mandela was a communist too, and therefore, cannot be trusted? And the end of Apartheid is responsible for violence in South Africa and even New York… ]

Nonviolence works only when your enemy agrees to become nonviolent. Nonviolence did not win us the Revolutionary War. Nonviolence did not win the Civil War for the restoration of the Union. Nonviolence did not win us World War I, and Nonviolence did not win us World War II. However, pacifism did influence our loss of some 55,000 American Soldiers in the Korean Conflict, and some 60,000 plus in the Viet-Nam War.

[Here is the whole concept of “winning” again. And the confusion of nonviolent resistance with pacifism.]

God commanded Israel to go to war against their enemies many times in the Old Testament. And while I prefer peace over war, and I wish “nonviolence” was the doctrine of all nations and tribes, there are times when a nation has to go to war to assure its citizens of security from those who will harm us. Anything less will ensure oppression and occupation from those who would kill us and destroy the way of life we have been blessed with.

[And the best trump-card of all – the violent portrayals of God in the Old Testament.]

J. Myers: I am not a pacifist. I have never claimed to be a pacifist. I do not recommend that anybody become a pacifist. Nonviolent resistance is not at all the same thing as pacifism. On the spectrum of forms of resistance, just-war is closer to pacifism than to nonviolent resistance.

Based on your comments, I see we disagree on many, many things. That’s fine. But many of those disagreements are forming the foundation for our disagreement on this issue. This means that any further debate on this issue will be a waste of time for both of us.

Derek: “Nonviolent resistance is not at all the same thing as pacifism.”

Don’t know what planet you have just arrived from, but “Nonviolence” and “Pacifism” are the same thing. Neither are willing to take up arms to fight a threatening enemy. Don’t know how old your are, but I will be 71 at the end of this month of June. I taught American History for some 10 years at a community college. I have studied history most of my adult life. One thing I have learned from my studies, is that you cannot allow an enemy to exist. He has to be destroyed, or he will destroy you. History teaches that, and reality proves such. Both Pacifists and Nonviolence advocates refuse to admit to such.

I did not respond any further, since I saw the exchange was becoming “unproductive.”

Here are some closing thoughts:

Nonviolent resistance is primarily differentiated from pacifism by the word “resistance.” Pacifists often are content to sit back, do nothing, and let evil roll over them. They see their role in resisting evil as little more than a speed bump. They might slow down evil as it rolls over them, but they are probably not going to stop it.

Nonviolent resistance, on the other hand, is actively devoted to resisting evil and injustice in every way possible, yet without resorting to violence. There is, as you can see, a huge difference between the two.

who would Jesu shoot?The Bible does not promote pacifism, but does promote nonviolent resistance. We are to do what we can to stop evil and fight against evil, but we must not do so with the weapons of war and violence. Among many other texts, one primary place Jesus teaches this is in His instruction to love our enemies.

There are six elements to nonviolent resistance, which differentiates it from pacifism and they are summed up well by Martin Luther King Jr. (King, Stride Toward Freedom, 1958, 84-88)

First, one can resist evil without resorting to violence.

Second, nonviolence seeks to win the “friendship and understanding” of the opponent, not to humiliate him.

Third, evil itself, not the people committing evil acts, should be opposed.

Fourth, those committed to nonviolence must be willing to suffer without retaliation as suffering itself can be redemptive.

Fifth, nonviolent resistance avoids “external physical violence” and “internal violence of spirit” as well: “The nonviolent resister not only refuses to shoot his opponent but he also refuses to hate him.” The resister should be motivated by love in the sense of the Greek word agape.

The sixth principle is that the nonviolent resister must have a “deep faith in the future,” stemming from the conviction that “the universe is on the side of justice.”

Near the end of our email exchange, Derek listed several wars that had been “won” by the use of violence. The definition of “winning” is somewhat debatable. While one country might have forced another country to “lie down,” was the cost of human life on both sides “worth it”? Is this “winning”?

He points out that pacifism caused the death of thousands. I do not deny it.

But note carefully that I am not defending or recommending pacifism. I am recommending active nonviolent resistance.

nonviolent resistance

What is most surprising about nonviolent resistance is that where it has been used in human history, it has a better “success” record than does violent resistance (or war).

In one chapter of his book, Engaging the Powers (which is a book every Christian should read), Walter Wink lays out the history of nonviolent resistance and shows how when it is properly used, nonviolent resistance is more successful than war at stopping evil and violence. In fact, in many cases where violence was completely and repeatedly unsuccessful, nonviolent resistance brought about the change that violence had attempted to accomplish, but failed.

In a TED talk a few years ago, political scientist Erica Chenoweth talked about her research comparing nonviolent and violent campaigns, and she said that while she used to believe that violent resistance was more successful than nonviolent resistance, the data she collected blew her away and changed her mind forever. She said, “I collected data on all major nonviolent and violent campaigns for the overthrow of a government or a territorial liberation since 1900,” she says — hundreds of cases. “The data blew me away.” Below are some charts of her research, and you can read more about it here.

nonviolence

nonviolent resistance 2

You can watch her TED talk here:

There is so much to be said about nonviolent resistance, but I’ve said enough for now, and the only real point of this post was to invite you into the conversation I had with Derek. Where was I wrong? Where was he?

What could have (and should have) been clarified? What is your perspective on nonviolent resistance, pacifism, and war?

Leave your comments below!

God is Redeeming Life Bible & Theology Topics: forgiveness, Gandhi, Jesus, love, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, nonviolent resistance, pacifism, peace, violence, war

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The Sermon on the Mount according to Congressional Jesus

By Jeremy Myers
17 Comments

The Sermon on the Mount according to Congressional Jesus

Jesus sermon on the mount

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For they can get a job at minimum wage.
Blessed are those who mourn,
For they made their bad decisions and must suffer the consequences.
Blessed are the meek,
For we can take advantage of them.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For we can promise them free food to get them to vote for us.
Blessed are the merciful,
For we will remove them from their positions for not being “tough on crime.”
Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they are the most gullible.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they know how to make peace through war.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake,
For they will turn over secrets about their terrorist activities.

Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for this proves that you are standing up for the right things in the right way.

You are the salt of the earth. That is why old white guys must rule you. We must preserve our society and culture the way it has always been. If we allow the pepper to rule, they will only trample us underfoot.

You are the light of the world. That is why we need incandescent lightbulbs instead of those energy-saving fluorescents. We don’t want our light to be hidden. We like using a lot more electricity to light a room. This is what glorifies the freedom our Father in heaven gave us.

Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy, but to uphold the sanctity of the Constitution. It is the most perfect document ever written, and our interpretation of it is the only right one. For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or tittle (that word always makes me laugh) will by no means pass from the Law until the whole world follows it.

Whoever therefore breaks one of the least of these commandments, and teaches men so, shall be stripped of his freedoms and liberties and given a life sentence in prison. But whoever does and teaches them, he shall be given special privileges and favors in my Kingdom. For I say to you do exactly what I tell you all the time, you won’t ever get a seat at the table.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not murder,” and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother has just cause to do so if that brother is a liberal, a gay, or a Muslim. And whoever says to his brother, “Raca!” will not be understood, because nobody says that anymore. But whoever says, “You fool!” shall be called a sissy-ninny for not using stronger language.

Therefore if you are bringing your gift as a donation to my re-election campaign, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift with my campaign manager, and then go away to your brother, and blackmail him into also donating to my campaign. This way, you will shut him up, and if your gifts are large enough, both of you will receive favors from me later on.

But if he takes you to court, get your own lawyer quickly, and counter-sue the pants off him. Otherwise, he will deliver you over a judge who has probably been bribed, and you could end up in prison. Then all that you worked so hard for will go to your enemy who put you in prison. It is much better to sue him and take his money first. This way, you can give it to me.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that it is perfectly normal for a man to look at pretty young women who are on their staff, and that what your wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. So go to the strip clubs and have fun. Hire the prostitutes on your trips to Europe. Take your girlfriend with you South America. After all, adultery for real is much more fun than adultery in the heart.

If your right eye starts to look at a beautiful woman as she walks by, let your left look also. You get better depth perception that way. It is more profitable to take a good look, and then later to ask her out for drinks, than to let your member burn with passion. And if your right hand causes you to sin, make sure you use lotion.

Jesus politicsFurthermore, it has been said, “Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.” But I say to you that it looks bad to divorce your wife, so stay married for appearance sake, while you sleep around as much as you want. If you can get your wife to agree to this, even better, for it’s not adultery if your wife knows what you’re doing.

Again, you have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths to the Lord.” But I say to you, say whatever it is you need to say to get the deal done, and then feel free to do exactly the opposite later on. Let your “Yes” be “Yes” and your “No,” “No” when the person is in front of you, but after they leave, go ahead and renege on everything you said.

You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” But I tell you to not resist an evil person; just kill him. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, pull out your .357 and let the bullets fly. If anyone wants to sue you and take your tunic, sue him first and take his tunic and his shoes. And whoever compels you to go one mile, drag your feet and go as slow as possible so it wastes their time. Give to him who asks you, but at a decent return, and from him who wants to borrow from you, make sure you charge a high percentage rate.

You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.” But I say to you to walk softly and carry a big stick. Strike hard and strike fast before your enemy can strike you. Remove the threat before you yourself are threatened. Bomb your enemies, sue those who curse you, do harm to those who hate you, and picket those who spitefully use you or persecute you. This is how you will be sons of your Father, for He sends AIDS on gays, tsunamis on Indonesian Muslims, hurricanes on New Orleans, and famine on lazy Africans.

For if you love those who love you, you will be able to reward each other’s good health and prosperity. That’s how tax collectors get so rich. Therefore, you shall be perfect, and everybody else in the world can be despised as ignorant scum.

Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them, unless there is a camera crew nearby who can print their pictures in the newspaper and post them online. Otherwise, your good deed is wasted. Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound the trumpet before you, because everyone will just thank you’re strange. Instead, send out a press release to the local newspaper, or allow a staff member to leak your plans to the local press. This will get you the glory before men that you need.

But when you do your charitable deed, do not try to type your Tweets and Facebook updates into your iPhone with your left hand, for this is how many unfortunate typos have brought scorn upon others. A good deed with an embarrassing typo ruins the good deed. This way, your charitable deeds will look unplanned and ordinary, but everybody will see you do them and will think you’re a great guy, and you will receive your reward openly from all.

And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. They love to pray standing in front of churches and religious people that they may be seen. But nobody in church takes pictures. So you, when you pray, go onto the floor of the Senate, or stand before the National Prayer Breakfast, and say your prayers there. People will take pictures and write down your prayers for publication in the newspaper, and everybody will see what a devout person you really are.

When you pray, do not try to pray off the cuff. This will only cause you to repeat yourself and babble like an incoherent idiot. Instead, have a team of professional writers draft your prayers. Make theme eloquent and poetic, so that everybody will praise you for how in touch with God you must be to utter such beautiful prayers.
In this manner, therefore, pray:

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
Your Kingdom come through me and my political platform,
Your will be done through the bills I want to pass,
Since our plans for this earth match your plans from heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, along with prime rib and fancy French wine,
And forgive us our debts, because you know we’re never paying off $14 Trillion.
But we won’t forgive our debtors, because they owe us money.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil gays, Muslims, and Liberals.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever, and we want some of it for ourselves.
Amen.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, you are letting them take advantage of you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, you will have the power to control and manipulate their lives.

Moreover, when you fast … on second thought, just don’t fast. Why would you do that to yourself? If you are overweight, you might want to go on a diet, but who can diet when there is fried chicken to eat, and 64-oz Cokes to drink? I can’t believe Bloomberg outlawed large sodas in New York and Hillary is trying to make school lunches healthy! What happened to our Constitutional freedom to slowly kill ourselves and our children by eating too much unhealthy food? But you should wash your hands before you eat. If you don’t, that just gross.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. Instead, put your treasures in a bank or a 401(k) where your money is FDIC insured and you can invest it. This will allow you to lay up even more treasure for yourself, and best of all, the government only taxes investment income at 15%, which is less than they tax the poor schmuck who works at McDonalds. Best of all, if you get rich enough, you can make horrible decisions with your money, and the government will bail you out because you are too big to fail. In this way, moths and rust will never destroy what you have and thieves can never steal it. For where your treasure is, there is your future security.

The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore you eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, go get Lasik surgery. It’s come a long way and wearing glasses makes you look old and weak.

sermon on the mount Jesus politiican

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despite the other. You cannot serve both God and mammon. The best route is to act like you are serving God so that everybody who does serve Him will give you money.

Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, not about your body, what you will put on. If you become rich enough, restaurants will let you eat for free and clothing chains will give you clothes to wear if only you announce that they are your clothing line of choice. Look of the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns. Instead, they steal seed from farmer’s fields and kill worms for their breakfast. Are you not more important than birds? So don’t worry about where your food and clothing will come from; just take it from others.

So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. That’s because Solomon had silks and jewels, which is better by far than any flower I’ve ever seen. Besides, those flowers wither away and get burned up in the sun. Solomon’s reign, with his nice clothes and good food, lasted quite a bit longer than that.

For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness by donating to my campaign, and I will see what you have done, and will make sure to reward you later on.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow. Give me your money, and let me take care of tomorrow for you. Each day has enough trouble of its own, so come to me and let me provide for your future.

Judge not, that you not be judged. Unless you have the legal standing to make your judgment, and can defend your case before a court of law. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged, unless the judge is a friend of yours and owes you a favor. For with whatever measure you paid him off, he will measure back to you with an important court decision.

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? The reason is because we must never admit we are wrong, even when it is obvious to everyone else. Deflect the blame by pointing out the speck in your brother’s eye. Don’t say to your brother, “Let me remove the speck from your eye,” because then there won’t be anything you can blame him for. You can get people to stop focusing on the plank in your own eye by pointing out the speck in your brother’s eye. The people will believe this, because they are like dogs and swine. Their attention simply needs to be diverted to someone else before they trample you under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him to knocks the door will be opened, so that whatever favor I give to you will be returned to me when I call upon you later on. What man among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? Give people “bread and circus,” and you can do anything you want. If you, being evil, know how to give good gifts to those who back you, how much more can you expect good gifts from those who need your support? Therefore, whatever you want men to do for you, do also for them, but in a way that puts them at your mercy and in your debt.

Enter by the narrow gate, for wide is the gate and broad is the way that everyone else enters by, and I don’t want them to see you visit me late at night. The narrow gate is out behind the house. I’ll give you the passcode for the keyless entry lock on the door. This gate is narrow and it is difficult to find, but this way we can do our business without prying eyes.

Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? Even so every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. It is essential you teach your immigrant workers the difference between the good fruit and bad fruit, or you will never get any profits from your vineyard. Tell them that a good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. They might be able to understand that.

Not everyone who says to Me, “Lord, Lord,” shall be able to work for me. It’s not what they say that matters, but what they are willing to do for me. Many come to me and promise to bring me large profits, to cast out the illegal immigrant demons from our country, and create many jobs in my name, but when they fail to do what was promised, I cast them away from me, and get them fired from their jobs or sent to prison for lawlessness.

Therefore, whoever hears these sayings of mine, and does them I will liken him to a wise man who built his house upon the rock. It was high up on a hill and very beautiful. We had many great parties there where he introduced me to many large donors. When the economy descended and the political flood rose, and the media winds blew and beat against his house, I was able to pull some strings and protect him. He did not fall from his position, for he was founded on the rock.

But everyone who hears these sayings of mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand. He had an oceanfront home near Santa Barbara. It also was very nice, but did not do what I asked him and so when the economy fell and the political flood rose, and the media winds blew and beat against his house, I stood back and watched is fall with a grin on my face. It was a great fall and the man is now in prison.

God is Redeeming Life Bible & Theology Topics: Jesus, politics, sermon on the mount

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The guy puking after Malcolm Guite mentions Contemporary Christian music made me laugh … but the rest made me cry.

By Jeremy Myers
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The guy puking after Malcolm Guite mentions Contemporary Christian music made me laugh … but the rest made me cry.

I had never heard of Malcolm Guite before I saw this video, but when I heard what he says about art and people and the Gospel and everyone living in the light of Jesus, I discovered that I love him. Malcolm says what I tried to say in my post, Everyone is Following Jesus.

Watch this video. Enjoy it. Watch it again. Then invite others to watch it also.

Oh… and as I mention in the title, don’t miss the guy puking right after Malcolm mentions contemporary Christian music. It flashes on the screen for less than a second. I wonder if that was intentional?

God is Redeeming Church, Redeeming Life, Redeeming Theology Bible & Theology Topics: gospel, Jesus, kingdom of god, love

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