parenting Archives - Redeeming God

Below is the third letter in the series, “Letters To Dad.” They are written by Sam Riviera, and are based on the true stories of people he actually knows in real life.

Dad,

At least that’s what I’ve called you the last few years. You’ll probably be the only person I’ll ever call dad, even though you were my foster dad. According to grandma, if my mom knows who my real dad is she’s never said. She probably doesn’t know. Grandma says mom was strung out most of the time around the time she got pregnant with me so who knows who my real dad is. I’ll probably never know.

Grandma says it’s a wonder I ain’t in prison or some institution. All the meth mom was using when she was pregnant with me shoulda fried my brain. Well, I didn’t do great in school and spent a lot of time in the counselors office, but I’ve managed to stay out of jail. So far…

You told me I could go live with grandma or some other relative. That isn’t happening. No one wants me or has space for me. Grandma thinks I should be able to find a job. I’ve tried, but they tell me I don’t have any experience and they’re looking for people with experience. How much experience do you need to wipe off tables and take out the garbage?

I think grandma’s afraid she’ll have to support me. She barely gets by on her Social Security check and her landlord is threatening to raise her rent. She says she can’t pay more and doesn’t know where she can find another place for what she can afford, so she can’t have another mouth to feed and a big guy like me must eat a lot.

There’s this place for homeless and runaway kids where I can get a hot meal every night. They have showers and used clothes and a few other things. I got a backpack and I’m hoping for a sleeping bag. There’s a place I sleep up under a freeway bridge behind some bushes. It keeps me dry when it rains.

I was trying to sleep on the street, but it’s too dangerous. I couldn’t find anyone to hang with and you can’t sleep on the street alone. You’ll get kicked in the head when you’re trying to sleep and they take your stuff. You can’t get any sleep.

A guy I know down there said there was a shooting on the other side of the street last Saturday. Ten cop cars showed up. They ran everyone off the block and took what you couldn’t carry. The next night there was a stabbing in the alley around the corner. Some guy died. More cops. This stuff doesn’t even make the news. Like anyone cares when a homeless person gets murdered. Bad for the tourist business. Pretend it doesn’t happen. We’re not real people.

I guess I understand. The foster kid checks you got for me stopped when I aged out of the system. You have other kids and your job doesn’t pay much. You said it’s time for me to make it on my own. So far that looks like dinner at the homeless kids place, sleeping under a bridge, and hoping I won’t get stabbed. I’m trying to follow up with several places that are supposed to help people like me, but they really don’t have any place for me to live or work.

So far, I’m not using drugs. I don’t have money and I’m not selling my body or dealing for the privilege of getting messed up by drugs. You don’t know what it’s like down here. It’s a lot more messed up than you know. There are a few people who care, but they don’t have a place for me to get off the street. The system is totally messed up. Guess I’m luckier than most. So far…

Tony

How to Raise Children When Not “Attending” Church

By Jeremy Myers

18 Comments

When parents seek to follow Jesus by being the church in their communities (rather than by simply attending church), one of the questions that often comes up is “What about our children? How will they learn about the Bible? How will they discover Jesus? How will they learn to worship God?”

First of all, here is what it DOES NOT look like. Ever. At least, not in any family I have ever seen:

So how do we raise children if we don’t “attend church”?

I don’t have all the answers to these questions, but note, first of all, that the prevalence of such questions reveals how broken “church” has become. I mean, according to Scripture, it is the parent’s responsibility to raise up their children and teach them about God, but our modern way of doing church relinquishes these things to 45 minutes on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, in a building with a (generally) controlled environment, and to a person we don’t really know.

Isn’t that crazy?

How did we go from “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Prov 22:6) and “Teach these things to your children … ” (Deut 6:7; 11:19) to asking, “So what did you learn in Sunday school today?” on the drive home from church?

I sometimes think that the simple act of sitting in a pew on Sunday morning gives our children a terrible misconception about what it means to worship God and follow Jesus. The activity of “attending church” rather than being the church in our day-to-day lives can give the impression to our children that loving God and following Jesus is a “Sunday morning in the pew” activity, rather than a minute-by-minute awareness throughout the day.

Anyway, again, I don’t have all the answers … in fact, I don’t have ANY answers.

But here is my basic approach: We teach and train our children by loving them. Your children will not learn about God if you “go to church” but then treat them like crap the rest of the week.

Children learn to imitate what we do; not by what we say or what we tell them to do.

Remember that raising children to follow Jesus “outside the institutional church” is not at all the same thing as raising them to follow “outside the church.” If you are seeking to follow Jesus with your life, you are still raising your children within the church, and may be doing a better job of it than if you sat in a pew on Sunday morning and hoped that your children were learning something downstairs.

Over at the “All About Eve” blog which I am writing for, Eve asked these questions about parenting, and I proposed a bit of an answer. Here is an excerpt from what I said:

So while parenting might be the “good” you focus on right now, this does not mean you cannot get a job, write a book, care for the needy in your community, or do any of the other “good” things available for you to do right now. You might do any or all of them. But if you do, and if you have chosen to focus on loving your children, then these other things can be done in light of loving and training them. Take a job, for instance. You could show your children love through a part-time job by showing up for work on time, not bad-mouthing your boss or coworkers at home, and wisely using the money that you earn. This is just an example, but you probably get the point.

Go read Eve’s question here, and the rest of my response here.

Recently, I also heard a pretty good podcast about this. It was called “The Wild Ones.” You can listen to it here: The Wild Ones by Darrin Hufford.

Certainly, as we follow Jesus into the world, other people speak into the lives of our children, but raising and loving our children in the ways of God is not something we pass off to the youth pastor or the Sunday school teacher. It is a day-in and day-out way of living life before our children with Jesus by our side.

Do you have children? Are you seeking to teach them to follow Jesus outside of the “four walls” of institutional Christianity, and into a moment-by-moment relationship with God and others? If so, what ideas can you share? What challenges have you faced? What are your fears and how have you dealt with them?

Do We Suffer from the Illusion of Control?

By Jeremy Myers

16 Comments

I wrote the second post for the “All About Eve” blog, and as I was writing it, I was pretty sure that most of what I was writing was … well … not quite what I wanted to say. But I published the post late last night anway, and went to bed.

When I woke up this morning, I knew where I had gone wrong, and am now writing this post…

It is not that what I wrote was wrong; it just was not helpful. “Eve” was grappling with issues of control, and I basically told her that she needed to get in control of her desire to control.

That doesn’t make any sense does it?

When we try to control our desire to control, all we do is amplify our sense of control.

We often call it “letting go of control” but really, all we are doing is trying to gain more control over our life.

Here is the vicious cycle that happens: A person recognizes that they are trying to control others. They see this as bad and feel guilty about this control. So they try to “let go of control,” but when they fail at this also, they now feel guilty about the control AND feel guilty about failing to let go of control. Now they have a double whammy of guilt, which only exacerbates the problem.

You see? When we try to let go of control, we are trying to control control, and since we can neither control people and events, nor let go of control, we walk around in an ever-increasing state of guilt about how we are always trying to control others and how we wish we wouldn’t do this.

What is the fix for our issues with control?

Well, this is where I don’t have many answers. I know for a fact that I am still trying to exert great control in my own life, and I become quite fearful when I see that I cannot.

However, these wise words from Master Oogway to Shifu were helpful:

But here is what is interesting … If you have seen the movie, you know that when Shifu trained Thai Lang, he did exactly as Master Oogway has suggested. He believed in Thai Lang. But Thai Lang’s lust for power led him down a path toward darkness that Shifu never wanted nor intended. This is partly why Shifu is now trying to control the situation. But he cannot.

And I think that this is my problem as well. In the past, when I have believed in God for my future, and believed in the best of others, it has only led to great heartache and pain. Since I do not want to experience that pain and heartache again, I try to exert control over others in my life, and over life itself.

And lest we think we can disregard Master Oogway because he is only speaking some sort of Eastern mysticism crap, the Bible pretty much says the same thing. Passages like James 4;13-17, Proverbs 16:9, and Proverbs 19:21 all reveal that when it comes to control of what happens in our life, control is an illusion. Sure, as Shifu points out in the video clip above, there are a few things we can control, but in the grand scheme of our life, these few things are so insignificant, they amount to having hardly any control at all.

As Perry Noble has written:

It is amazing when we sit back and begin to understand how little control we actually have in the world.

I did not control the day I was born! /li>
I did not control who my parents were!

I did not control where I was born!

I did not control the color of my skin, eyes and hair.

I will not control when and where I step into eternity.

I cannot control other drivers on the road.

I cannot control what other people think about me.

I cannot control my daughter’s future. (I can try to direct it…but I can’t control it!)

I cannot control the weather.

I cannot control how fast (or slow) my food gets to me in a restaurant.

I cannot control how fast (or slow) the person in front of me is driving.

I cannot control whether or not someone I know and loves prays to receive Christ.

I cannot control the fact that my body is breaking down (I heal/repair MUCH slower at 40 than I did at 20!)

I cannot control God by my religious performance.

Freedom, TRUE freedom, is understanding how out of control we are and then placing our faith in a God who has NEVER ceased to maintain control over what He has created.

So… to everyone who feels like you are out of control…it’s because YOU ARE!!! And, the more we try to control the more likely we are to live in complete rebellion to the one who is in control, who has all things in His hands and who constantly calls us to surrender to Him so that we can experience the joy of living under HIS Sovereignty rather than having to constantly discover that we have none of our own!

So If Control is an Illusion, How Can We Live Without Fear?

I don’t have all the answers on this, and as I stated above, this is all new to me as well. But I am learning, to the best of my ability, to just “enjoy the ride.” Life, it seems, is little more than a wild roller-coaster ride and nothing we can do will control the twists and turns of the track, the slow climbs up the hills or the terrifying plummets into the valleys. We may scream. We may cry. We may even throw up.

But after a couple time around the track, you begin to just enjoy it. Throw up your hands and laugh every time your stomach jumps into your chest.

How can we learn to do this? Because we know a few things:

God is the builder of this roller coaster called life. No matter what, we won’t fall off the track.
God loves us, our children, and our spouses MORE than we ever can.
Jesus is riding in the seat next to us, and He’s hootin’ and hollerin’ with hands raised to the sky.

Based on these three things, we can KNOW that God will guide us and take care of us, and He will do the same for our children as well. Our life (and theirs) may not look the way we wanted or last as long as we think it should, but trying to control life or even trying to control our sense of control only causes us to lose all the enjoyment of life with God.

So don’t simply try to stop controlling people. Also stop trying to control your sense of control. Simply recognize that there is no control, and then sit back and enjoy the ride.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior … Fear not, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:1).

Giving our Children to the Lord

By Jeremy Myers

3 Reasons Christians MUST Celebrate Halloween

By Jeremy Myers

55 Comments

Every year around this time, I read all sorts of posts and articles for why it is sinful for Christians to participate in Halloween.

So I decided to write a post about why Christians MUST celebrate Halloween.

No, I don’t have any Bible verses to back this up or deep theological ideas to prove it. I just have three reasons Christians should celebrate Halloween.

Christians Are Light in the Darkness

Christians often complain that Halloween is a day of death, darkness, and evil. I won’t argue this. For many people, Halloween is a day to celebrate witches, ghouls, ghosts, goblins, death, decay, murder, and many other such things.

But since when do Christians run away and hide from death and darkness? Doesn’t the Bible call us to be lights in the darkness, and to bring life and healing to those areas which are full of death and decay? Of course it does!

Look, you don’t have to dress up like a vampire to participate in Halloween. And definitely don’t judge and condemn those who do. But I would encourage you to go on out and have a good time. Let your kids get some free candy. Laugh! Have a good time. Enjoy life. Make some memories.

Or, if the kids are grown and gone, give out heaps of free candy to the neighborhood. They will remember you forever.

Which brings me to my second point.

Halloween is an Opportunity for Generosity

Halloween is a great opportunity to show Christian generosity. I still remember the two or three houses in my neighborhood that gave away full candy bars on Halloween. Not the little snack-size ones, but full-size candy bars! I couldn’t believe it then, and I still cannot believe it now.

We often bemoan the fact that we don’t know the families in our neighborhoods better, but Halloween is one night of the year where most of the neighborhood families will be knocking on your door. So make an impression on them! Be generous!

I was talking a guy this past week who said he was going to pass out Gospel tracts to the kids in the neighborhood when they came by his door. This also will make an impression on the families who knock on your door, but not in a good way… I tried to encourage him that if he was going to pass out tracts, he should include a huge handful of candy with each one. Let people remember you for being generous, and they might also read that tract that came with your generosity.

Or better yet, they might want to talk to you when they see you in the park, at the mall, or trimming your hedges.

But there is one last reason for Christians to celebrate Halloween….

Free Candy!

I am a candyaholic, so I had to include this…

But I am actually kind of serious.

For most children, Halloween is about one thing: candy.

If you have kids, they are going to go to school the day after Halloween, and everyone is going to be talking about how much candy they got. When the kids ask your child how much candy he/she got, do you want them to have to say that they didn’t get any candy because their mom and dad believe Halloween is evil?

As I wrote in a different post about a Trunk-or-Treat I attended, if you feel that Halloween is some sort of contest between Jesus and the devil, one sure way to “win” is by giving away lots of candy. On Halloween, candy is how kids keep score. This goes back to the previous two points. The devil loves it when Christians hand out Jesus stickers instead of candy on Halloween.

If you hand out Gospel tracts or “Jesus Loves You” pencils instead of candy on Halloween, you are actually bringing shame to the name of Jesus on this day.

Jesus is not glorified when we are cheapskates and killjoys in His name.

Let kids be kids! And if you are (rightfully) afraid of what they might see or what they might encounter, then go with them! Walk around the neighborhood with them, giving them that sense of parental security and safety that is so important for children to have.

And guess what? If you do this, I bet they will even share some of their free candy with you…

So far, I’m not using drugs

How to Raise Children When Not “Attending” Church

So how do we raise children if we don’t “attend church”?

Do We Suffer from the Illusion of Control?

What is the fix for our issues with control?

So If Control is an Illusion, How Can We Live Without Fear?

Giving our Children to the Lord

3 Reasons Christians MUST Celebrate Halloween

Christians Are Light in the Darkness

Halloween is an Opportunity for Generosity

Free Candy!

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