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What to Say when You Stop Attending Church

By Jeremy Myers
46 Comments

What to Say when You Stop Attending Church

stop attending churchAre you one of the millions of people who have stopped “attending church” so that you can better follow Jesus into the world?

If so, you have probably noticed two things: First, you have rediscovered joy and excitement in your relationship with God and your life with Jesus. Each new day brings an expectation for what God will teach you that day, where Jesus will take you, and how you can show the love of God to people you interact with that day.

The second thing you have probably noticed, however, is that once you stopped attending church to start following Jesus outside the four walls of the church building, many of your church-attending friends and family think that you have abandoned Christ, have rejected the faith, and are falling away from God. Many do not understand how anyone can follow Jesus without attending church on Sunday morning.

This second experience can be quite frustrating. You have never felt closer to God, have never seen God more at work in your life, have never felt more freedom and joy in your interaction with neighbors and coworkers who need to see the love of Jesus, are seeing many answers to prayer, have a renewed interest and insight into Scripture, and are seeing God do amazing things in your life,  and yet…. your church-going friends and family say that you are sinning by not sitting in a pew on Sunday morning to sing some songs and listen to a sermon.

I know that many of the readers of this blog have had this experience, and would love for you to share your stories in the comments below, with a special focus on how you have learned to respond with love, grace, and truth. 

Below is one such response that a reader of this blog recently sent to me after it was sent to a member of her family who is concerned about her spiritual well-being since she has stopped attending church. This letter shows some of the frustration she feels at being judged for no longer attending church, but at the same time, reveals the love and joy that she experiences as a result of following Jesus into the world. I asked if I could share it, and was given permission. Some names and personal details have been removed.

I am sorry that it seems that I get angry at Christians. I want to tell you that I truly do not feel any hatred or anger toward them at all. I understand that going to church is the path they are on and it is a good one for them and that is great. I harbor no ill feelings toward them for their decision to include attending church as part of their life of following Jesus. I know that given the right circumstances going to “church” can be a good thing for many and I am glad those people have it. I would even tell someone that if they feel they need, to go ahead and attend a “church” group.

I want you to know that the anger that you sense I have for Christians is not toward you. I get frustrated when I feel like I must defend my life to my family. Though everyone else in my family attends church, I don’t ask you to defend that decision to me, and I am just asking for the same courtesy and respect. Perhaps I am misunderstanding you and it is not a defense that you are asking for. If that is the case I am sorry I got upset. I will try to see that you don’t want me to explain my life next time we talk. I think that anyone would get upset as I do if they felt that they were constantly having to defend their life to their loved ones. So if that is not what you are wanting me to do than I apologize for misunderstanding, and I will try to not do that anymore.

But if that is the case than I want to suggest something.

Please don’t let your heart ache for me. There have been many years in my life in which aching for me would have been appreciated. The last several years have certainly been hard as I have experienced the loss of friends, marriage struggles, depression, financial trouble, and so on. But I cannot tell you how incredibly blessed I feel right now. In the last year, God has given me three amazing friends, and my children have new friends as well.  We have activities that are encouraging growth and skills, many of which help us grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  We have a house over our head. We planted a garden and grew many things successfully. I get to stay home and school our children and they are doing well. We are all healthy. We are going camping again after a long time without it.  Although I must fight monthly for my marriage, it seems to be getting better (all marriages need fighting for).  We have a security that I have never had ever in my marriage. ALL THESE BLESSINGS ARE FROM GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is so a part of our lives i can’t imagine life without Him, it just wouldn’t exist. We prayed for all these things and in one way or another He has blessed us. It may not always look like we wanted it to look but if we try to find Him in our day it is not hard work, He is most certainly there. Sometimes He even gives us the grace to find him in the trials and hurts even while we are in them.

There certainly were plenty of times for your heart to ache for me, but honestly those were the times that I was attending church. The times I was lonely and ridiculed, with no friends at all. The times I was hurt because my husband was doing things that hurt me deeply and separated me from him. The times I was suffering depression with no one around to tell me it was OK or to help me. I could go on and on…

But now, I am more joyful than I have ever been, freer than I ever thought possible, looking for more ways to show Christ to the world than ever before. I am so thankful, I can’t get through a day without rejoicing. God has done that. God has given that to me. I know it won’t last forever.I know trials will come again and I hope that I can reflect on this time of joy to get through them, knowing He is there just as He is now.

I know also that this path is not for everyone. I know that. But this is the path for us. This way of living has set us free to be who God wants us to be, instead of some predetermined person with predetermined gifts to offer not because we want to but because it is expected of us. I feel more free to praise God now than ever before, because when I do, people don’t think I am just trying to get them to “come to church.”  I finally am free to live my life the way I feel God intended ME to. Not everyone will be called to this way of following Jesus. Just as not everyone will be called to be single, or any other [fill in the blank] way of living. I have found my purpose for the life God has given me, and after struggling to find it for 37 years, I am glad to have it, and I guess I get a bit passionate about defending it. I know I don’t fit in the nice neat Christian box, but then, I never fit in any box nice and neatly, did I?

I would love it if you could just embrace the fact that after many years of “wandering” I feel like I have found myself and my role in God’s tapestry. Many of the things God has led me to in the last year have helped me discover who I am supposed to be. Some of these new friends, though they also do not “attend church” have helped changed my dream. I no longer feel called overseas to work in orphanages after my children grow up. I now feel called in a real big way to help the girls in America that have been sexually abused. I want to start a horse ranch for them where they can work, feel safe, learn, grow, and heal. For the first time in my life, I have a dream that I feel is attainable. I feel like I have a dream that matches me like a glove. I am so content and joyful and thankful right now that I honestly ache that you cannot see it.

I am glad that you care so much for me, I really do. But please set your heart at rest knowing that finally I feel like I have found what God has wanted to show me for years. All those times I didn’t fit in the boxes I was in, whether it be school, girl, church, sorority, athlete, etc. God was trying to tell me, “Hey, it’s OK. I never intended you to be those things.” I love the fact that I am finally OK with not fitting in. I am more than OK; I am thankful for it. That is God’s doing and I will praise Him for it, and try to follow Him into the next chapter of my life.

I love you so much, and I hope this helps you to understand that I am not angry. I am passionate about what God is doing in my life and it hurts when my loved ones don’t understand it. Please be happy for me.

stop attending churchIf you are one of the millions of people who are no longer attending church but who nevertheless have a vibrant and growing relationship with Jesus and have seen your relationships with other people grow in amazing ways, please share your experience below.

If you would like, also share some tips and suggestions for how to respond to church-going friends and family who think that you have fallen away from the faith because you are no longer “attending church.”

God is Uncategorized Bible & Theology Topics: attending church, be the church, church, family, following Jesus, God, life, Theology of the Church

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The World Shames the Church Once Again

By Jeremy Myers
3 Comments

The World Shames the Church Once Again

I know that the church is not supposed to follow the world, but sometimes, I think the church could learn a lot from the world.

Take this as an example:

world shames the church

What else could the church do instead of leaving trashy fliers like this on the windshields of other people? How about volunteering to be designated drivers for drunk people? Of course, the Christians who leave these fliers would spend the time telling their drunk passengers how they are going to burn in hell for getting drunk, so that might not work out so well…

[Read more…]

God is Uncategorized Bible & Theology Topics: alcohol, blessing, church, curse, Discipleship, ministry, Theology of the Church, world

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10 Christian Clichés To Avoid Like the Plague

By Jeremy Myers
39 Comments

10 Christian Clichés To Avoid Like the Plague

There are numerous Christian clichés get people nodding their heads in agreement and saying “Amen!” in sermons, but when you stop to think about them, they are not only meaningless, but also border on heresy. OK, maybe heresy is too strong a word, but at the bare minimum, these Christian clichés are dangerous.

christian cliche

On the surface, many of these Christian clichés appear to be true (some are even quotes from Scripture), but they are almost always used in a damaging and controlling context and teach people some very bad theology.

So don’t say the following Christian clichés

  1. Where God guides, God provides. The worst Christian clichés are the ones that rhyme. Like this one. But more than that, the message of this Christian cliché is awful. When people say this, what do they mean by “provide”? Does this refer to money and finances? That is the context in which I have always heard this statement said. So, if this Christian cliché is true, then the only things we should follow God in are the areas where we have money and finances to do it? And even if you do receive lots of money, or lots of people, are you sure this is God’s green light to move forward? It seems from Scripture that God is most often at work in small ways, foolish ways, insignificant ways, and with people who are nobody, and who have no money, no power, and no prestige.
  2. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Hey, it rhymes, so it must be true! Gag me. Maybe God didn’t bring you to it at all, but you brought yourself to it. Or maybe He did bring you to it, but He is not going to bring you through it, because He wants you to sit in it for a while and learn something. And even if He is going to bring you through it, maybe it will take decades.
  3. The greatest distance in the universe is the eighteen inches between your head and your heart. This Christian cliché is quite popular, but thankfully it doesn’t rhyme. What people mean when they say it is that following God about more than just what you know; it is about what you do. I suppose this is true at one level, but the fact of the matter is that what we do is most often based on what we think. This is why Paul encourages his readers to “renew their mind” in Romans 12:1-2. The renewal of one’s mind leads to the renewal of actions and behavior.
  4. You can’t outgive God! Again, this Christian cliché is almost always said in the context of some call for monetary donations to a building project, a ministry opportunity, or some other fundraising campaign. And while it is true that God is more generous than we can ever imagine, it is not true (as is often taught) that if we give lots of money, God will give us even more money. Don’t give beyond your means to a church or ministry based on this faulty understanding of finances. We can give generously and joyfully, to ministries and people that are serving in the Kingdom of God, but don’t expect that by giving, God will give you greater financial wealth. He probably won’t. 
  5. We are saved by faith alone but not by a faith that is alone. This is based on a misunderstanding of James 2:14-26. Related to this is the statement that “Even demons believe.” I’m not going to say much about this, because I have written on these Christian clichés elsewhere. Click the links to read more.
  6. When God closes a door, He opens a window. What does this even mean? And even if He does open a window, what am I supposed to do? If I wanted to walk through a door to a certain opportunity, and God “opens a window,” does that mean I just get to sit there and look out the window? Am I supposed to crawl out the window? I just don’t get this Christian cliché.
  7. Man meant it for evil, but God meant it for good. So, God is in the business of getting evil people to do evil things? I know that Joseph said something like this in Genesis 50:20, but pretty much just like every other verse quoted out of context, we should not understand Joseph to be saying that evil things that happen are good. God never calls evil “good,” and neither should we. Evil is evil. What Joseph meant is similar to what Paul says in Romans 8, that although evil things happen, God can bring good from them, and still accomplish His goal and purposes in our lives despite the evil.
  8. Do not forsake the assembling of yourselves together. Yes, another Scripture that is quoted a lot. This one comes from Hebrews 10:25. I wrote on this misquoted verse previously as well, and won’t say anything more about it here, except to say that this Christian cliché is often used as a club to beat Christians over the head who are following Jesus by loving and serving others, but who may not “attend church” on Sunday morning in a building with stained glass and a steeple. I don’t think that is what the author of Hebrews had in mind…
  9. A Bible that’s falling apart usually belong to someone who isn’t. In my experience, those who have Bibles that are falling apart should just go buy a new one. I have also seen Bibles that were falling apart because they were severely abused by their owners… you know, thrown into duffle bags with the gym clothes and poorly-sealed tupperware container of leftovers. A Bible doesn’t fare well in those situations. But even when Bibles are falling apart because their owner truly does read and study it all the time, many of them are some of the proudest, self-righteous, judgmental Christians I know. Being a Bible expert does not guarantee Christlike behavior.
  10. God said it. I believe it. That settles it. In other words, “I just believe the Bible.” Riiiiight. Me too. So when we disagree, who is correct? This Christian cliché is another idea I have written about elsewhere (see this post, for example), but my concern is that when most people say “The Bible says” what they really mean is, “My understanding of the Bible says…” Any Bible student who has read more than two books on any subject in Scripture will be aware that different people read various passages in Scripture in different ways. Settling theological or ethical debates is not a matter of just quoting Scripture. We need to actually understand what the Scripture says in its various contexts, and then bridge the gap between those contexts and our own. In this process, there are thousands of possible ways to go astray, and so in many areas of theology and Christians ethics, what we believe must be held with a degree of humility.

[Read more…]

God is Uncategorized Bible & Theology Topics: christian cliche, church, Discipleship, God, Hebrews 10, James 2, sermons, Theology - General

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Church Tribes vs. Jesus’ Tribe

By Jeremy Myers
13 Comments

Church Tribes vs. Jesus’ Tribe

This post about church tribes is written by Sam Riviera, a frequent contributor to this blog.


church tribe Jesus tribe

Yesterday’s post  introduced to the concept of church tribes. This post looks at the pros and cons of church tribes, and how to be part of Jesus’ Tribe.

Benefits of Belonging to a Church Tribe

There are benefits to belong to a tribe… especially a church tribe.

One of the primary benefits of having a tribe is that it gives us a sense of belonging, a place where we can call home, and feel protected.

We all want safe havens where we are listened to, accepted, and loved. Most of us can handle aggressive, angry, hostile people much better when we know we have a loving, supportive family waiting for us at home, and a loving, supportive group, be it a church or a social club, with whom we will gather to escape a hostile world and support one another.

Together we can accomplish what we could never do alone. We can work on common goals, trade ideas and “have each others backs.” It’s nice to be part of a group where together we can form a united front that tells people, “Don’t mess with us or we’ll stomp on you.”

Even if others think us strange, weird, or crazy, that’s OK. We have each other to tell us that we’re normal and everyone else is crazy.

Disadvantages of Belonging to a Tribe

Nevertheless, there are some disadvantages to belonging to a tribe, and to church tribes in particular.

Most tribes expect those who belong to conform to the rules of the tribe. This is especially true of church tribes. If we want to belong, we must first learn who’s the chief, who are his right-hand people and what we are expected to do to show proper respect to them. We may be expected to show not only respect, but to give gifts of time, money and other items to the “tribal leaders”.

[Read more…]

God is z Bible & Theology Topics: church, guest post, Sam Riviera, Theology of the Church, tribal church, tribalism

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The Tribe and the Church

By Jeremy Myers
5 Comments

The Tribe and the Church

This post is written by Sam Riviera, a frequent contributor to this blog.


the tribe and the churchThe adults of the village filed into the community meeting house and found their usual seating locations, which identified their rank within the tribe. Everyone was dressed in accordance with the customary dress for such occasions.

Music began. The crowd swayed and chanted with the music. Everyone knew the music and the words. Containers of drink were passed from person to person and everyone drank a few sips.

An elder stood and spoke. Everyone respectfully listened. The tribal meeting concluded with more music.

Though this description sounds like something that only happens in a Native American ceremony or in an Indonesian jungle, the description above actually describes what happens in countless churches around the world every Sunday morning.

But is this wrong?

Our Tribal Urge

We all have a tribal urge. A tribe is group where one can belong and others are excluded; the place where one knows their place and exactly what is expected of them.

A tribe consists of people who will be there in one’s time of need; the people who will not allow one to die alone.

This all sounds fine, but why do we want to belong to a tribe? Are there advantages? Are there disadvantages? Can the tribal urge find fulfillment in Christ? Can it find fulfillment in the church?

Or does the tribal urge conflict with Jesus’ command to love our neighbors as ourselves?

The Russian thinker Peter Kropotkin, in his book Mutual Aid: A Factor of Evolution suggested that survival is the result of cooperation of people together against the environment. Each person benefits from the things others contribute and share. Can this best be accomplished within the tribe or within society at large?

Do we form tribes for the purpose of surviving in a harsh environment, or as an attempt to group with others similar to ourselves and to exclude all others? Is the tribe an effort to meet our own needs, to the exclusion of the needs of others?

[Read more…]

God is Uncategorized Bible & Theology Topics: church, church service, Discipleship, guest post, Sam Riviera, Theology of the Church, tribal church, tribal urge, tribalism

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